Lobbyists of Another Kind

Where all the action is:

One of the best things about my job is getting to eavesdrop on unsuspecting guests in the lobby. I mean, the lobby is where everyone loves to hang out for some reason. Personally, if I was paying $100+ bucks a night, I'd be living it up in my room, but that's just me. I don't mind at all when people hang out in the lobby because it actually gives me some amusement. Just last week we had a high school team staying here and, of course, they just wanted to run in and out of their rooms and come hang out in the lobby to feel like they were "cool," I guess. After a few hours of listening to them chatter about the most ridiculous things, there were only 4 left. Three girls and 1 boy. Now, it was obvious that the boy was dating one of the girls that was left but it seemed like he may have been a little too interested in one of her friends. I was very interested to see how this was going to play out. Much to my surprise, it was very entertaining. The girls started braiding each other's hair and giggling, while they played truth or dare (how cliche!!). To help out with the story, we're going to call the guy Rock (that's what it sounded like they were calling him, anyway) and since I didn't get the girls' names, we'll call them by their respective hair colors -- Brownie and Blondie (they double as desserts!!). When it got to Rock, he picked truth and was asked "Whose hair is braided the prettiest?" Now, Rock (dating Blondie -- or so I'm pretty sure), answers that he likes Brownie's hair the best or that he thinks it is the prettiest. I'm sure in his peasy high school male brain, he thought he was scoring points with Blondie because she was the one to braid Brownie's hair but let's be serious, girls NEVER think that way. Blondie stands up and immediately starts throwing some hammed up, over reactive tantrum. "OMG, ROCK!! HOW COULD YOU SAY HER HAIR IS PRETTIER THAN MINE?! I'M SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!!" Clearly, Rock and Brownie are dumbfounded by this and he tries to chime in with his measly "but you braided her hair so I was trying to compliment you." Ooohh, Rock! Do you know nothing of high school girls? It doesn't matter if her braid was better, you ALWAYS say her hair is the prettiest. ALWAYS. It reminds me of when I was in high school and I flipped out on my boyfriend for borrowing a piece of paper from another girl in our class instead of me. That's right, folks. BORROWING A PIECE OF PAPER. This went on for another 30 minutes until finally all of the girls left mad at Rock. I felt so bad for him that when he came to the desk to pay for a candy bar, I just let him have it. There's just no winning with high school girls.... come to think of it, there's no winning with the female species at all, fellas.

Scheduling Conflicts

Boss lady:

Coming from a family of mostly men (all with hot tempers), I can pretty much handle anything when it comes to the maintenance men I supervise at the hotel. They are both pretty hot tempered country boys and can let a lot of tension build up and then just explode at the smallest thing. Over the past few weeks, I've noticed things getting really tense and small arguments occurring but I figured they were grown ass men and could deal with it appropriately. I mean, everyone has little annoyances with coworkers once in a while. I came into work this morning and wasn't even here 10 minutes before I had a guest in my face complaining about screaming on the 3rd floor. Ok, the 3rd floor is where the maintenance office is so I was just praying and crossing my fingers the whole way up that it wasn't my two guys because I knew it would be a long day if they were going at it. I got upstairs and starting following the shouts and sure enough there was tweedle dee and tweedle dum hootin' and hollerin' like buffoons! I immediately jumped in because I know when a guy is about to swing and it looked like it was escalating to that level pretty quickly. I had idiot number 1 yelling at me about idiot number 2 and idiot number 2 shouting and swearing about idiot number 1. It took me a few minutes to get them shut up but then they'd just go right back at it. FINALLY, I got the two jackasses to sit down and shut up after threatening them with suspension and raising my voice!! When I got to the heart of the issue, it was over the fucking schedule. Are you kidding me? Two grown ass men with families are about to start swinging on each other because they don't want to work on a saturday?!?! WHAT THE FUCK? I was so mad and you better believe I got real southern and real mean real fast!! I wish I would've had my granny's cast iron spoon 'cause I would have knocked the shit out them for causing such a scene during work hours while guests were present. They just sat their quietly and I'm sure they probably had a few things to say to each other about me when I left but at least I got them to shut up and stop acting like hooligans... or so I thought! Not even an hour later, one of them came storming out of the elevator yellin', "I CAN'T WORK WITH HIM! HE'S SUCH A MOTHERFUCKER!" That was it for me!! I called both of them into my office, filled out suspension forms, told them to clock out, go home and come back in 14 days when they could act like fucking adults. This resulted in one throwing a pen and a set of keys in my office so I gladly added 7 more days to his suspension and told him one more peep would mean termination. I asked them why they were willing to risk their jobs over being lazy assholes and not wanting to work 4 hours on a Saturday. Their response: "We both wanted to go huntin'." Well, boys, now you have 3 full, unpaid weeks of hunting. I sure hope that deer tastes good!! :o))

No Pets Allowed

Dogs are not children:
People call here all the time to ask if we are a pet friendly hotel and the answer is NO. For some reason the general manager likes to make exceptions to this rule and let people bring their tiny dogs as long as they are kept in a crate and do not bark. These people are also required to sign a waiver that if anything is destroyed due to having a pet in the room, they will be charged a $200 recovery fee. Well, this weekend we have a few wedding parties staying here and I was very adamant that NO pets were allowed... not even the tiny ones. I was working check ins and I see one of the grooms come up to the desk with his soon to be wife pushing a pink stroller. Being the logical person I am, I assumed it was a baby and was trying to get a peek. There was this pink net material draped over the hood of the stroller so I couldn't really see much, but I could see enough to know that this was clearly not a baby!!! Then I heard a small bark. WTF. I began to tell the couple that we were not a pet friendly hotel and that they would have to stay somewhere else or board the dog and then the waterworks started. "We can't conceive children so it just infuriates me when people refer to Sassy as a dog. As far as we are concerned she is our daughter and we love her and treat her as such." ...What.the.fuck. I was literally speechless. The bride just kept crying and going on and on about being a barren woman when the guy finally stepped in and offered to pay  more. I apologized to him for bringing up such a sore subject (BUT HOW THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THEIR DOG WAS A SUBSTITUTE FOR NOT HAVING CHILDREN!!) and just had him sign the recovery fee waiver. It was finally over... or was it?! Every time this couple came down, they had this poor poodle in the stroller with bows in its hair or wearing some ridiculous outfit. Don't get me wrong, I have dogs. I have had dogs my whole life but at some point you have to realize just that.... THEY ARE DOGS. No matter how much you may love your dog, it's still an animal. Putting pink dresses and bows on it isn't going to make it stop shitting in the floor. Anyway, these loony toons decided to bring "Sassy" down for breakfast. WRONG!! They were immediately told that no pets were allowed in the dining area, especially during breakfast hours. Well, what do you think happened? This crazy bitch decided to start crying and making a scene in front of everyone about how she can't have children and we were not treating her dog as we would any other child. Honestly, I felt really bad for her but there's just no way I could let her keep her dog downstairs while other people ate. She got mad but finally gave in, once her embarrassed looking groom talked some sense into her. I think I felt worse for the dog and her fiance more than I did her though because they looked miserable the whole time. I'm pretty sure I saw the dog plotting a way to escape through the lobby doors more than once. Now, I'm not saying love your pets less because they aren't people, but I am saying there are boundaries. Sure, put a jersey on your dog or cuddle with them, but don't fucking put them in strollers and parade them around telling people its your daughter!! What's sad is, she could probably adopt a kid but they might not let her if she starts talking about her dog because they'll think she's fucking insane!!! All I know is, I'm glad that tonight is the last night I have to see that little pink stroller and Sassy walk through this lobby....

Grown Ups

I think when you're pushing 50 it's time to retire your middle school attitude:
I have had the WORST time trying to get along with one of my new co workers. She's a manager so it's a little trickier to deal with since I can't just write her up or fire her like I can someone on the desk or in housekeeping. She is ALWAYS late and then she leaves for hours at a time. I'm honestly not sure at all what she does other than run around in the her stupid little beetle and take her son lunch money... her 18 YEAR OLD SON, by the way!  Anyway, she got hired here and started immediately trying to act like a badass by writing people up for the stupidest shit and I told her, "Now, listen... you have to pick your battles because these people will just start quitting if you treat them like that." Of course, I was right. We've lost about 5 employees since she got here a few months ago and there's a good chance one of our other department managers is going to turn in his resignation soon because she keeps annoying him with dumb shit. Actually, I've already threatened my two weeks notice if the general manager didn't put a stop to her lack of professionalism and somewhat bullying towards everyone. For example... her shift is supposed to be 9am-5pm and she actually asked if she could get it changed to 11am-6pm (NOT EVEN AN 8 HOUR SHIFT) because she "just couldn't get up that early!" <--- What kind of grown ass woman can't wake her ass up and be at work by 9 am?? She constantly cries to everyone about her personal problems like her mom's health and her son's migraines. I understand that everyone has problems and I'm certainly not trying to be heartless but at some point, you have to learn to set that stuff aside when you come to work! And as for her son's migraines... SHUT UP!! I have a BRAIN TUMOR and I still work 40 hours a week so the fact that she won't let him drive, won't let him get a job and won't let him take full course loads at the community college is fucking ridiculous. If he has a migraine, then he should stay home but she shouldn't stop him from doing things at all because she's scared he MIGHT get one. What the hell is wrong with people?! She will come out of her office and say "Oh, I'm just going to run some lunch money over to my son," and then she leaves for 4 hours. Really?!?! It takes you 4 hours to take a grown man lunch money even though he only lives 3 minutes away. Her whole attitude at work is super sketchy and also, she is kind of crazy. She has severe mood swings and I literally don't know which one is going to come at me when I walk through the door. How 'bout this bitch put one of the front desk computers in her office because her's broke and then wouldn't give it back for us to do check ins!! I was about to reach deep inside and pull out my Warsaw, SC roots and show her what crazy actually looks like, but instead, I just walked away and came back to the situation calmly. She truly is the most unpleasant and horrible person I have ever had the misfortune of working with and if things are different within the next month, this blog may have to change it's title because I will no longer be working at a hotel! :)

We are a Smoke Free Facility....

NO SMOKING:
Ok, let me start this blog post by stating that the hotel I work at is SMOKE FREE. There are no smoking signs ALL over the building and in the rooms. It's very clear that smoking is prohibited in the building and it's even on the sheet you sign at check in. We always get those rebels that think they can just open the window and no one will be able to tell or those people that just don't care at all and smoke anyway. Of course, everyone that smokes always complains and swears up and down they weren't smoking in the rooms when they see the $200 recovery fee charged to their cards. About a week ago, there were 2 Asian men staying in a room on the second floor who had been smoking in the room. It was no secret because you could smell the cigarette smoke in the hallway as soon as you stepped off the elevator. Being the manager, I was the one that had to deal with it. The housekeeper that reported it also brought down a KFC bucket from the room FULL of cigarette butts as evidence. It was GROSS. There were literally like 60 cigarettes in the bucket and they hadn't even been there an entire day. Since the 2 guys weren't in the room and there was no Do Not Disturb sign, I had to go put the "No smoking letter" up on the desk in their room, explaining why the room had been stripped and that there would be a recovery fee charged to their card. It was almost 11pm and they still hadn't shown up so I thought I was in the clear and that I wouldn't have to deal with the yelling about the fee and trying to lie their way out of it. Like every other post, why would I think I'd be lucky enough to escape this?! They walk in at 10:58pm right before shift change. I immediately get a phone call from the room asking why there was an ionizer and why their beds had been stripped.I explained that we are a smoke free facility and that I would have to put them in a new room for the night because their old room was being deep cleaned to get the cigarette smell out. When they got downstairs they started yelling at me and the night auditor that they would never smoke in the room... IN PERFECT ENGLISH BY THE WAY...but when I brought out the bucket of cigarette butts it was like completely silent for a minute and then they pulled the "NO SPEAK ENGLISH!" Get the fuck out of here. I didn't even know what to say. I just kept showing them the picture of the Xed out cigarette because you DON'T HAVE TO SPEAK OR READ ENGLISH TO KNOW THAT MEANS NOT TO FUCKING SMOKE!!! Oh my jeeebus. I was so mad and they just kept speaking Chinese to me when less than 10 minutes ago you were speaking the same language as me, buddy!! It just went back and forth for a few more mintues and then this little asshole TRIED TO COME OVER THE DESK TO GRAB THE EVIDENCE!! The KFC bucket was just sitting on the desk and this dumbass actually tried to take it from me saying, "MY PROPERTY!" I didn't know what else to do except karate chop his hand!! I mean, no guest has ever tried to take anything from behind the desk so it scared me and I just reacted. He looked just as stunned as me because I couldn't believe I had just karate chopped a guest's arm!!! Anyway, after 30 seconds of surprise, the dickheads finally just gave up because they had clearly lost. I charged them the $200 and all was well. I did have to explain to my manager about me swatting a guest but apparently it was no big deal since the guest was the first one to act in that situation and I was just "defending myself."

Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Hungover hotel hell:
Seriously, word to the wise: do not drink a lot if you have to work the next day! I went to a party Friday night because one of my good friends was celebrating the big 3-0 and I definitely had a little too much to drink. I fell twice which ruined one of my knees and one of my ankles, I woke up to chewed up stilettos because I didn't put my puppy up after walking him and I couldn't move without feeling slightly sick. Needless to say I was pretty much useless and didn't know how the hell I was going to work an 8 hour shift with people whining and complaining about the dumbest shit. Somehow, I made it work on time although I looked pretty rough. Pony tail, no makeup and a college t shirt. Not my best look! Anyway, the people started to come check in and of course they were all picky assholes. "Can we switch rooms? We don't like the view!," "Can we have more towels?," "Can we.. can we.. can we...!" I was about to lose my mind running around the hotel like a crazy person. Finally, the rush was over and I sat down to eat my lo mein. While I was stuffing my face, this guy comes to the desk to HIT ON ME. Really? I look like a dog and I'm stuffing my face with chinese food and this is the moment you choose to hit on me? I brushed him off because he looked like he might be a serial killer and then went back to eating when all of a sudden I hear yelling at the pool. Before I go on, let me give you the back story. Friday night there was a pretty heated argument between two guests at the pool. This crazy fat lady and her husband wanted to lay by the pool and read but there were children playing marco polo and splashing around. I mean, that's what kids do when they're in a pool. Instead of asking the parents in a polite way to maybe get their kids to play a little quieter, this lady starts yelling in the dad's face and demanding he leave with his "demon children." Of course, the guy gets mad and starts yelling horrible things back to her and it just got worse and worse. Finally, I broke them up and they parted ways. I assumed it was all over but just as I sat back down Saturday night to eat my lo mein, I heard the yelling and, of course, it was the crazy fat lady. Only this time, she was yelling at someone else! I was so hungover, I just prayed for it to stop but I knew I was going to have to walk down there and calm her down once again. I got to the pool and the beastly lady that was yelling is in the face of some small woman, but she didn't look like she was backing down any time soon. Apparently, there were two little girls in the pool splashing and instead of going to the mom (the small woman), the beast started yelling at the children. I'm not a mom, but I know if some stranger was SCREAMING at my kids, I would beat her ass. These two women just would not stop arguing and I could tell it was getting worse and worse. I knew eventually someone would start swinging so I just kept telling them to calm down and that the pool was for ALL hotel guests, including children. Then the crazy lady turned on me. She was threatening to check out early and never come back -- LIKE I GIVE A FUCK LADY! Then, all of a sudden she threw a pool chair in the pool... WITH KIDS IN IT!! I had to ask her to leave the pool area and when she kept saying no, I told her I would have to call the police to escort her out. Finally, she went back to her room, came back downstairs and checked out early. She was yelling and swearing at me the whole time and then she had the nerve to ask me for all her money back. HAHAHAHAHAH!! I'm hungover, pissed off and annoyed and you think I'm going to be generous and give you your money back after you just called me a "motherfucking bitch?" Get the fuck out! I wish she would have kept yelling so I could have her ass toted off by the cops because she was a piece of work. The funniest part of the whole argument at the pool was when one of the dads stepped in and said "Ma'am, you're getting really worked up and I'm scared you're going to have a heart attack. I mean, you're not exactly in shape are you?" Oooooh, man! I 'bout died but I knew I couldn't laugh. That was when she went back to her room to pack up, actually, so I should have thanked that guy. Needless to say, I've learned my lesson about drinking the night before work. The crazy stuff always happens when I'm the least capable of handling it.

Ah, The Little Things...

Don't sweat the small stuff:
With a job like mine, there's rarely a day that I don't hear someone complain. People come to me with EVERY complaint you could possibly think of. Just this week, a guy found ONE ant at the end of the breakfast bar near the syrup and proceeded to FLIP HIS SHIT. He yelled at the front desk clerk, threatened to call DOH and started taking several pictures of the ant in question. Finally, he gets to me... the manager. I calmed him down and assured him that our breakfast bar gets A ratings in health inspections and we are very clean but sometimes one little ant just happens to slip through the cracks. Anyway, my point is... it doesn't take much to set people off but it takes a miracle to get them to calm down. Well, my miracle came through today! Some asshole was in my face this morning complaining about getting overcharged $1.23!  <--- THAT'S ONE DOLLAR AND 23 CENTS, FOLKS --- And when I say complaining, I mean YELLING. It was nothing short of ridiculous, really. The thing that amazed me the most was, I had already apologized and refunded the $1.23 and he just kept going on and on about it. Well, I noticed another guest was watching the scene and I didn't want someone to complain about some maniac in the lobby bitching about money so I was slowly moving the conversation out of the lobby and lowering my voice when all of a sudden this other guest walks right up to me and the gentlemen with the financial complaint. He didn't even say anything to me but turned to the angry cheapskate and simply said "Man, haven't you ever heard not to sweat the small stuff?," pulled out a 5 dollar bill, handed it to the guy and walked out of the hotel lobby into the parking lot. I was STUNNED! I didn't know how Mr. Penny Pincher was going to react so I braced myself for the worst. I mean, some RANDOM man walked right up to this man, gave him $5 and basically told him to chill the fuck out. Instead of getting mad and ranting on, the guy just turned red, apologized and left. HOLY COW!! Are you serious? That's all it takes to get someone to stop being a complete douche? I have no idea who the miracle worker is, but God bless him and his $5!

Jeepers Creepers, Peeper

Peeping tom:
We've had a few incidents recently, where our first floor guests come to the desk complaining that a strange man knocking on or being right outside of their window.  At first we thought it might just be a teenager playing pranks or just someone who wasn't getting enough attention but then we got an alarming call from a hotel nearby telling us there was a man who tried to break into one of their first floor rooms through the window! Of course, we started making sure every window was locked and we always check ID when someone asks for a key card to a room but there are some things we just can't control. So many people filter in and out of the lobby all day, it's hard to tell who's a guest and who's not. I mean, people are always having friends and family stop by or drop in when they stay here so it's really hard to keep up with people coming in and out. Please keep in mind that I can only control the keys. Even after upping security a bit, we were still getting complaints of a man knocking on room windows and then came the complaints about notes. This jackass had started taping notes to the windows that had some pretty perverted sayings on them and apparently he came inside the hotel and slid a note under some little old lady's door that said "FOR A GOOD TIME COME TO ROOM 320." Of course, we had to check room 320 which was in as vacant . We went up to the room just to be sure and it hadn't been touched. Well, after several notes and complaints we knew something had to be done! Lucky for us, right before we started interviewing for security, we got a phone call from another hotel saying the man had been caught. Let me tell you how! This nutter broke into one the rooms at the other hotel and was sitting in the room naked, waiting for someone to be checked into it. A housekeeper over there happened to notice that the door was ajar and she was the one to walk in and find him. I just thank God every single day that I was not the one who had to deal with a naked, crazy man breaking into our hotel room!

Shitty Day

Children are disgusting:
While reading this post, keep in mind that I love children. I was a nanny, I taught preschool and all of my money in high school came from babysitting so I understand how gross and slimy kids can be but this takes the cake. It was breakfast time so the lobby was filled with people! Even the meeting room that we use for extra seating during busy weeks was almost full, so there was no way this was getting past anyone. I noticed a toddler walking around by himself, but assumed his parents must be in the lobby somewhere keeping an eye on him because that's what any good parent would be doing, right? A few minutes later, I see an old lady staring at something right below the desk and looking horrified. I ran around the desk to see what was wrong and there he was! The toddler was in the middle of the lobby, pants to his ankles, bunked over letting the shit just fly out of his ass right on the marble floor! HE WAS SHITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LOBBY! And not just a few solid terds either. This kid had some runny, squishy, green crap exploding out of his asshole! Can you even imagine? I didn't know what to do because first, I didn't want to grab some random child and second, I didn't want to grab some random child with shit gushing out of his asshole! I thought his parents would be rushing over, but the longer I waited, I realized that they weren't coming. It was up to me to stop the shit water fountain that was this little boy's balloon knot. Everyone was doing one of three things: gasping, gagging or laughing hysterically. The ones laughing were mostly men, while all of the women looked so disgusted they didn't even want to eat anymore. The little boy didn't even seem to register that what was happening was wrong because the more the men howled with laughter, the bigger he grinned and the more he shit!! I couldn't pick the kid up during his dookie making business so I just had to concede and let it happen. I prayed that someone would turn up and claim him as their child but that didn't happen until maybe 15 minutes later and he had his last little squirt of sickly colored diarrhea. This woman came down the hallway and said, "Oh thank goodness he's down here! He wandered off from us." It was like she didn't even see the massive poop parfait her son had just left in the lobby and when she finally acknowledged it, her response was, "He does stuff like this all the time! Isn't he the cutest?" I don't give a fuck how cute you think a kid is, but there is NOTHING cute about some kid defecating in a hotel lobby. I wouldn't even let my dog shit in the floor, much less my kid! Not to mention if there are 70+ people watching him do it!! After everything that happened, she didn't even offer to help clean it up! She just walked away to eat her breakfast while the janitor cleaned it up. All I can say is, today I learned a whole new meaning to "having a shitty day."

Oh, Don't be Ants at a Picnic!

Ants in your pants... er... room, rather:
So I know I haven't posted in a while but I've been busy getting promoted!! Yay, right?! Wrong! Sure, they pay me more but I really don't think they pay me enough. When you get 'Manager' added to your name tag, it really seems to bring the crazy out in people. They immediately start demanding money off or complaining about the tiniest things because unlike the other employees, I no longer have my safety net of "Oh, I'm sorry! I'm not authorized to take 50 cents off of your bill, you cheap asshole, you'll have to talk to a manager!" I still work my desk shifts 3-4 times a week so the wackos make sure I'm more than entertained on a daily basis. I was working the evening shift last night and this man approached me with a complaint about having "two ants in his room." Obviously, having ants in your hotel room is not okay but I was confused that he said "two," implying that he actually counted them. Not only did he specify the number (two) but he had also taken a picture of them (on the window sill) to make sure he had enough evidence to get his room discounted. Of course, I discounted it and apologized but thought nothing else of it. He came back down around 2 hours later and I swear to God, what he said next made him the biggest screwball ever in my opinion. "I wanted to make you aware that I followed those (TWO!) ants to find out where they were coming from and it looks like they're crawling in from the window sill and just staying right along a path in front of the air conditioner." I just stared at him with a blank expression on my face. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy that he had ants in his room even if it was only two, but the fact that he actually went back to his room and FOLLOWED the ants to find out where they were coming from and going blew my mind. Are you kidding me?! I told him I'd make sure the maintenance was informed about the little guys and apologized again. You'd think it was over, right? No. For the rest of the night, every single time he walked through the lobby, he updated me on the ants and their progress from the window to the air conditioner and back again! Thank you, freak, but I don't give a shit about these ants anymore. At this point I had already taken half off his room, offered to move him and told him someone would be in the room tomorrow to assess the situation (if you can even call it that). My only wish was that the ants would get all their little ant friends together and carry their stalker far, far away. Whatever. Just another weirdo!

Crazy Old People

Inappropriate granny:
Look, I love elderly people as much as the next person. Betty White is probably one of my favorite people on tv but after this weekend, I don't want to be around old people again until I'm one of them. The hotel was swarmed with, literally, hundreds of grandmas and grandpas due to a bird watching club and 50s decade reunion group. The reunion was for people that graduated high school in the 40s-50s so when I say old, I mean just that. These people were ancient. Can you imagine how frustrating it is to explain to an 80 something year old that their room number is their wifi code? I was constantly repeating myself, running up to rooms to show them how to operate the televisions and the remote, showing them how to use the guest computer to print stuff and even explaining to them they only had to hit 0 to dial the front desk. It was a nightmare. Finally, I had most of them checked in and doing just fine with their phones and televisions. One little old lady walked in and gave me the most refreshing perspective on old age. She walked up to the desk wearing a conductor's cap covered in sequins and glitter, cat  framed eye glasses, and a leather jacket. She looked like a granny right out of a biker gang, honestly, and she looked epic. I knew right away this was the kind of old lady I'd want to be. She made all kinds of inappropriate jokes while I checked her in and before she walked to her room, she turned and said "If you see a hunky 70-80 year old man who doesn't already have an old biddy on his arm, why don't ya check him into my room and give me a ringading so I can get down to my skivvies before he walks in, eh?" I laughed, obviously, and humored her with a "I'll see what I can do." About an hour later she walked through the lobby and made an inappropriate comment regarding the perkiness of my "bosom" and how she might be able to get her's that perky with some duct tape. Seriously, I loved this woman. She was the most fun and the liveliest out of all the old women there. It gave me hope that, I too, can be a cool old lady one day. 

Bird watchers unite:
The oddest group of elderly people staying at the hotel was the bird watching club. Seriously, they stood around in the lobby with their weird hats with flaps, fanny packs and binoculars FOREVER talking to me about guineas, guinea eggs, red birds, blue birds, fucking dodo birds... It went on and on and on. I was pretending to be interested, obviously, because they're guests, but I guess was pretending too well because then they started to talk to me about attracting a younger crowd to become members. They were asking me if I would be interested in joining or if I had any friends that might want to. What else could I do except take their brochures and say "I'll think about it, for sure?" It's not like I could tell them I would rather be stuck in an igloo during a blizzard with only the creepy houseman to keep me warm, than be caught dead wearing a fanny pack while having binoculars glued to my face in the hopes of finding some rare turkey breed. Seriously? When they all stopped congregating around the desk, this little old lady amongst them came up and asked me if she could "pop up to the roof" and see if she could get any good sights of birds from up there. HELL NO, GRANNY! We can't just let elderly women climb up to the roof to bird watch?! First, I need this job and secondly, I don't want the death of someone's grandma on my conscious when I go to bed at night. I happen to enjoy my dreams of rainbows and butterflies dancing on clouds. She was super pissed that I wouldn't let her go up there even after I told her it was a liability for the hotel and we weren't allowed to let guests or unauthorized people have access to the rooftop. The bird watching club finally left and I was forever haunted with the thoughts that when I get old and have nothing left to do, I might become one of those nut job bird enthusiasts just to pass the days away. Please God, don't ever let my life become that boring.  

Mutants on the Prowl

Lurker:
Oh.my.God. Today was probably the most uncomfortable I have ever felt at work. During breakfast hours, I noticed this really ugly, mutant freak staring at me. Now, normally I would never say such mean things about a person, but wow. This guy totally creeped me out. He did not ONE time look away from me. I would busy myself and look up and there he was, staring away. I could feel my entire body tensing up because it was making me so uncomfortable, but I ignored it as much as I could and finally I glanced up and he was gone. Or was he?! No!! He had sidled up to the desk without making any noise and scared the shit out of me. I actually jumped and made a small shrieking noise but managed to pull of an awkward smile and ask him if he needed help with anything. He just stood there with this smirk on his face like he had just murdered someone and gotten away with it. After a solid minute (it's a long time if you're standing in silence with an axe murder who is eye raping the shit out of you), he started telling me he was in town for work. The whole time I was thinking how incredibly terrifying this man was and that I did not give a fuck why he was in town. He wasn't terrifying in the sense that he was a giant man that looked mean because he was actually kind of short. He was a little pudgy, bald and wore glasses but his face was BUSTED and his teeth didn't even look they could be human teeth. Maybe a weird fishy, serpent's teeth, but not a human's. I'm pretty sure he was an inspiration for an X-Files episode because GOD DAMN! Wait for it, people, wait for it. Apparently he had been watching me ALL WEEK. I almost died. He said "I saw you were wearing a button down shirt on Monday and Tuesday and a t-shirt today and yesterday." My heart fell to my toes. How could I have missed a mutant such as this staring at me all week?! I explained that I wore a t-shirt on Wednesday because I spilled coffee all over myself and made a joke about being clumsy and then asked him one more time if everything was ok or if he needed help. He just laughed and replied with, "Yeah, I think I saw you trip in the hall on Tuesday." WHAT.THE.FUCK. Apparently, I have the ugliest stalker in the whole world and he lurks around so as not to make his presence known. I was so weirded out, I just pretended I was getting a call so he would stop talking to me. Unfortunately, he stood at the desk until I hung up on my fake caller. When I started to go in the back room and pretend to be making copies, he said it. He said the creepiest thing a stranger has ever said to me. "I notice you wear a sports bra with your t-shirts but a regular bra with your button downs." ALERT.ALERT.CODE FUCKING RED. I just stared at him and I know if I didn't already look nervous and uncomfortable, I definitely did then. I wanted that freak to crawl back into water ooze he crawled out of. He just kept staring and smirking and finally walked away after 5 minutes of me not saying one word and shuffling through papers like I was looking for something. After he left, I spent the entire rest of my day checking around corners, watching the camera like a fucking cop on a stakeout and constantly looking over my shoulder. I even made sure I didn't go in the stairwell alone just in case he happened to pop up. I saw him when I was helping one of the janitors clean up some coffee and completely ignored the fact that he even existed. I could just feel him staring at me though. When I went back to the desk, he lurked around the corner again and did his uncomfortable eye raping/smirking combination until I was forced to ask if he needed anything. He said no and just kept standing there. It was like the morning all over again!! When he decided he had made me fidget enough, he said "We're all going to this little cafe downtown if you want to come when you get off." HELL NO, UNCLE FESTER. I declined in the politest way I could because I would have gotten fired if I told him I didn't go on dates that ended with me being found in a ditch a week later after being tortured to death in his basement. I know this post is a little vulgar but I cannot put into words how incredibly nervous and uncomfortable this guy made me. If this was a Criminal Minds episode, he would be the creepiest, weirdest unsub ever. Anyway, the lurker finally left and I haven't seen him anymore but I just know he'll pop up when I least expect it.... and I'll be waiting... with mace.

Wally Z., Father Earth

Hippy in a suit:
A few days ago, I met the most interesting guest since I've been working here. Now, when I say interesting, I don't mean the funniest, smartest or weirdest... I just mean he was, well, interesting. He was an older man wearing denim bell bottoms that were dyed red at the shins, a t-shirt that looked like it might have been made out of paper, a red bandana with yellow flowers tied around his neck and a knitted shawl that was so big it nearly consumed him. The oddest part about his wardrobe was the fact that he wore a name tag reading: "Wally Z., Father Earth." Now, I tried not to judge but the only thing going through my head was "old hippy that never let the dream die." When he walked over to the desk, he was very polite and said he just had a few questions. He fired off question 1, "Where's the pool?" Obviously, I pointed him toward the pool. Then he said, "I forgot my suit." I assumed he meant his swimsuit since he had just asked me where the pool was but when I started telling him that Wal Mart or Target would probably have men's swimsuits, he just shook his head and responded, "I'm here for a wedding and I left my luggage back at home, including my suit. Where might one purchase a suit?" I was a little surprised that such a strange man in such a strange hippy outfit would be caught dead in a suit but I started rattling off mens' stores in the area, when he abruptly stopped me. "No ma'am. I don't shop at department stores. I would like to purchase my suit from the Salvation Army or a Good Will." Ok.. I'm not hating on him for shopping at the Good Will. Hell, I bought stuff from there last weekend, but don't come and ask me where to buy a men's suit for a wedding and then act surprised when Good Will isn't my first suggestion. I gave him the directions to a few thrift stores and then answered a few odd questions for him, including the location of a local church. It was a Catholic church so I asked if he'd like me to give him the mass schedule as well and he replied, "No. I don't actually worship or believe in such things. I just like to go and watch the people." Umm.. that's a little creepy but ok. After I answered all of his questions, I expected him to go away but he just stood at the desk rambling on and on about so many things. It was quite entertaining to listen to him talk about why the fucking sky is blue and all that but I was really busy. Finally, he took the hint and left. After everything had died down, he came back and started chatting me up again. He had a pleasant speaking voice but I had no clue what half of the things he said to me meant or even what he was talking about sometimes. He talked about coyotes, mulch, sour gummy worms, and I'm pretty sure he even gave me a brief analysis of why corporate Amercia is ruining lives and destroying Mother Earth. I wanted to ask about his name tag when he was talking about Mother Earth (his wife?) but I never got the chance. He also just kept thanking me repeatedly for such a lovely breakfast and telling me what a good job I did. I had to keep reminding him that I don't actually cook or put the breakfast out, but I'd certainly let the kitchen staff know how much he enjoyed it. After talking to Wally for a while, I figured out that he didn't actually have a hotel room but was squatting on the sleeper sofa in someone else's room after they refused to let him wander around aimlessly or sleep outside all night. Finally, Father Earth took off towards the thrift stores in hopes to purchase a new suit. I was quite sure he wouldn't find a suit but maybe a sports coat and collared shirt. Several hours later, right before switching shifts, Wally Z walked in with 3 or 4 bags in his hand. He sprinted up to the desk, ignoring all the other guests I was trying to help and just starts pulling clothes out and putting them on the counter. He was so freakin' excited too and just kept saying "Look how much you've helped me!! I got an entire suit, socks, tie, belt and shoes all for $17! THANK YOU!!" First, I wasn't sure why he was thanking me. I only gave him directions. It's not like I made the suit or bought it for him, but I just kept smiling and telling him how nice it all looked because the other guests looked so fucking startled by this oddball. He was even holding the tie and shirt up to himself to show me how well everything matched. "I got a red tie so I could have a little flash and I've never been a flashy guy! I don't know what's gotten into me!" At this point, it was clear that he hadn't been around people or in society for some time now. He was finally the guy wearing a suit, staying at a hotel and having lunch with friends - something I was quite sure he had never done or at least hadn't done in a really long time. I had to laugh and was actually happy for him because God knows, it would take a lot more than $17 worth of clothes and a free hotel breakfast to make most people happy. When I finally got him to stop scaring the other guests, he asked if he could hug me. I was a little reluctant because it's super weird to hug a guest, but he just seemed so happy with me (still not sure why) and he just kept insisting. So, folks, I hugged Wally Z., Father Earth. There are so many things I don't know and probably will never know. Like, whose wedding was he going to and how did he get invited? I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a permanent address and probably lives in a brush shelter like Cody Lundin did. Also, why did he wear a name tag and call himself Father Earth? So many mysteries that came with Wally, but I do know I will never, ever forget him and I'll be continuously hoping for another encounter with him one day. What a good day that will be!

Breakfast Grinch

The woman who loved sausages:

Each day I am amazed at how excited people are over free hotel breakfast, but today I think the bar was finally set. I was just minding my own business, doing some paperwork when I looked up to find a woman with her 2 children making several plates of food. This is not unusual. There were 3 of them and maybe 4-5 plates so I just kept going about whatever I was doing. They all went upstairs and I thought nothing else of it until not even 5 minutes later, they were all back making more plates. I started to get curious because the little boy was making waffles as fast as he could and the mom was just taking any food she could as fast as our kitchen guy could put it out. Finally, she screamed across the lobby at me to let me know that we were out of biscuits. No shit! All the biscuits are on one of your 10 plates, lady! Whatever. I explained that the cook was going as fast as he could and it'd just be a few minutes. Then she screamed across the lobby that we were out of sausages. I repeated that it would take just a few minutes. When he brought the biscuits and sausages out, she dumped them all on her plate!!! WHAT! Okok! Sure, we're slow, but Christ almighty! I wanted to tell her she wasn't the only guest in the hotel and that she was being a bit hoggish but we all know that would result in me getting fired. She went back upstairs with her little breakfast minions, carrying at least 4 plates each and I know the little boy made exactly 5 waffles. Whatever, it was over... or so I thought! She came back down with just her daughter this time, who went straight to the waffle station. I was in awe. I mean, really? How much food can three people eat and even if she did have a few other people in the room, it was still enough to cause anyone to drop dead of a heart attack. There was nothing I could say or do other than stare in amazement at how fast they were cleaning the breakfast bar out of pretty much everything. Then came the drama. Breakfast closes at 9:30 and when she got downstairs for her last raiding session, it was 9:43 and the kitchen employees had already started cleaning and putting things away. Out of nowhere this lady is in my face SCREAMING. Straight up hollering like a crazy banshee. Quote: "CAN YOU PLEASE TELL HIM TO PUT OUT MORE SAUSAGES?! THIS THANG IS SUPPOSE TO RUN 'TIL 10:30 AND I AM CONSTANTLY BEGGIN' YOU TO PUT MORE FOOD OUT. MY FAMILY IS HONGRY!" I calmly explained that breakfast only runs until 10:30 on the weekends but that she was more than welcome to help herself to the fruit, muffins, bagels, cereal or anything that was still on the bar. Also, waffles because her daughter was still hard at work making a few. She was, needless to say, unhappy with my response and started demanding a manager. Since the manager was gone, I decided to just give her what she wanted so I called the kitchen and told them to make one more batch of sausages and then to close everything down. They made an entire package of sausage (12 links) and as soon as they put it out, she picked up the wax paper it's placed on and dumped all of them onto her plate then stormed away. WOW!! I was just in shock that someone would actually behave like that over fucking frozen sausage links served at a hotel breakfast. 

It was over but I was still curious how many people she was actually feeding with all that food so I patiently waited hoping they would check out and I could see everyone for myself. A few hours later, they appeared! It was her and the 2 kids, and something I did not expect. A man stepped out of the elevator and I swear to God I thought it was Rubius Hagrid. He was effing HUGE. It all made sense. This guy could have eaten at least 10 of me and then some. I felt bad for judging her before seeing this sasquatch but I'm pretty anyone that witnessed what I witnessed would have judged too!

If Assholes Could Fly...

Hump day assholes:

Hump day is so bittersweet. It's like "you're half way there, but not quite!" This hump day was particularly painful for me because I worked a turnaround. If you don't know what that is, I'll explain. It's when you work one shift, wait 8 hours and go back for another. In this case, my turnaround was from 3-11pm and then back again at 7am-3. Miserable. The first few guests I saw were really nice and everything was going ok except for my occasional tendency to doze off or my constant yawning. Coffee was clearly not working. At one point, I had Dory (the little blue fish from Finding Nemo) in my head with her infamous catch phrase: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." Nothing was helping me stay awake but finally I got the wake up call I needed. This guy came downstairs and I could tell he was pissed as soon as he stepped off the elevator. Realizing he had my attention already, he started screaming before he even got to the desk. "I had a blue and white striped towel in my bathroom and now it's gone!! I'm pretty sure your housekeepers swiped it!" Ooook, calm down! First of all, housekeeping scoops up all the towels when they go in to replace and refresh everything in the rooms. If the towels are all wadded up on the bathroom floor, they certainly don't go rifling through them to make sure they aren't scooping up any fancy schmancy personal towels. I explain to him that I'll have housekeeping find it and I'll bring it up to him as soon as they do so. This was not going to make him happy. "I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY WOULD TAKE MY PERSONAL TOWEL!" I told him it was probably just an accident and they grabbed it when they grabbed the dirty hotel towels in the room. Ooooooh no! Apparently the housekeepers were just out to get his precious striped towel. The way he was acting, I was sure this towel had some magical powers equivalent to Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. I was actually hoping to try it out when they did find the towel because at that point, I wanted nothing more than to be invisible. He continued to rant about how they have no right to take his personal belongings (I understand, but it's not like they took his laptop) and went on and on about how he was going to lock everything in his room up before he left. Whatever dude... you are literally insane. I ended up finding his towel, giving it back, deducting $25 from his stay here and offering him a half off coupon for his next stay just so he wouldn't make a customer complaint to the manager, which is a big ordeal and ends up being more of a pain in the ass for me. Mr. Loco ended up getting what he wanted and got the fuck out of my hair. I thought I could spend the rest of my day watching my trashy reality shows, but from previous posts, we all know what happens when I think. The elevator got stuck in between the 3rd and 4th floors and I had to get the maintenance guys to bring it down manually and then use the emergency elevator key to get the guests inside of it out. Of course, they all wanted their money back or a free stay or a freakin' million dollars because they were stuck in an elevator for 10 minutes. Super annoying. I finally got all but one guest appeased and he said he would be taking the matter up with the general manager because I "wasn't high enough up on the food chain to give him what he wanted." Who says stuff like that? I'll tell you who... DICKS. I mean seriously, if assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!! I have never met so many rude people in my life. One day I'll come to work and everything will just flow, but until that day comes, I'll be here... blogging away.

Perks, Perks, Perks!

Swag:
So I know I usually gripe in my posts and complain about all the horrible guests but the truth is, I do like my job. It's always easier to post about the bad stuff because it's funnier to read and it helps me vent about the morons of the world. For every complaint I get, there is always 2 or 3 compliments to match it and some guests are just so awesome, I want them to stay all the time. One of the best parts of my job is getting free stuff and finding tips in the key card envelopes with little notes like "Thanks for being so kind and helpful." Sometimes it'll just be the note, but it still makes me feel just as good as if they put a hundred dollar bill in my hand! Of course, everyone likes getting free stuff. Who wouldn't, right? I saw a lady give the creepy houseman a $5 gift card to Subway and he skipped through the lobby for like 10 minutes. This one dude always brings me a new martini recipe or a jar of some new olives he knew I just had to have! My job is also pretty sweet when conferences and career expos stay here because during checkout they realize they brought way too many t-shirts, hats, pens, etc. I have collected Royal Royce shirts, Rawling Sporting Goods shirts, Budweiser shirts, fireman hats, farmer hats, fresh strawberries, home brews and even coupons to local restaurants just from career fairs! It's pretty awesome. If you  know me then you know there's probably no chance that I actually wear a giant straw hat or a fireman's hat that says "Little Hero," and I don't really like to use coupons at local, small businesses but it's still fun to get things. Most of the stuff I get, I just give to little kids that stay here or to the other employees that really want it. I do keep my tips and I LOVE the food. My favorite is when a guest comes down with pizza and says, "Oops! Looks like we ordered too much and thought you might like some lunch!" Yessss! I always forget to pack lunch and we don't get to leave for a lunch like most normal jobs allow. Soooo, I totes want your pizza! Another favorite of mine is when conferences have catered meetings here and they have the caterers make plates for everyone at the desk. Talk about deeeeelicious! Maybe the reason I always forget my lunch is because I secretly hope randos will serve me amazing food. If that makes me sound like a fatty, so be it! Gift cards are a key item too. I once got a $25 gift card to Kroger because I was working on Christmas Day (which did suck!) and this old lady from the local church felt bad for me and thought it was just SO mean that the hotel made me work on Jesus's birthday! Hey, I'll take your pity if it means free groceries for me!

Football season is the best time of the year to work here because we get bonuses when we sell out and the regulars are AMAZING. This one lady ALWAYS brings us a homemade chocolate chip cake and it literally tastes like little baby angels delivered it from Heaven. God bless that woman and her baking skills. The younger guys are probably the best gift givers, though, because they are constantly throwing six packs of beer at us or liquor. "Aww Shit! This won't fit in our cooler, darlin'! Here, you take it!" Oh, me? Sure thing! All in all, as much as I complain about the petty, nitpicking human beings that stay here, we do have our fair share of really awesome guests and the perks that come with them aren't too bad either!

Working For The Weekend

Not a morning person:
It is a well known fact in my close circle of friends that I am NOT a morning person. I love sleep more than anything else, yet I work the morning shift that causes me to wake up at 5:30-6 a.m. 5 mornings out of the week. As delightful as I try to be at 7 a.m., it proves to be difficult, especially on days like today. I was running on very little sleep because my boyfriend snored like a freight train and hogged the blankets all night. Nonetheless, at 6 a.m., I was in the shower and by 7 a.m., I was standing behind the desk at my favorite hotel. I was on my 2nd cup of coffee and already contemplating whether or not I should use the french vanilla or hazelnut creamer in my 3rd. I assumed it would be a slow day but, alas, I assumed wrong. I only had thirteen checkouts, which isn't a lot but it is enough for me to know someone will surely complain. Surprise, surprise! First person to come to the desk complained that the breakfast wasn't exactly appealing to a "vegetarian palate" and the fruit we offer isn't organic. Seriously? It's a FREE hotel breakfast! If you don't like it, don't fucking eat it. I'm sorry that Farmer Fred isn't out back plucking carrots and potatoes to make the perfect vegetarian dish for you! How 'bout eating an apple or a bowl of cereal or a bagel or a muffin or a waffle? Anyway, I just apologized and moved on to the next. "Miss (squints to read my name tag) B-Broooooke? There is a problem with my hair dryer. It just isn't working." She insisted that I bring her a new one right away! I go get the new hair dryer and head up to her room to hook it up. I immediately realize why it wasn't working... IT WASN'T PLUGGED IN! I showed her what the problem was and she replied with "Well, ain't that just a hoot!" No, no it is not a hoot. I don't see any owls in here, lady. Of course, I get back to the desk to find a line of people complaining about having to wait, but since I'm usually the only one here that early in the morning, I have to do everything myself. Ugh. I could just feel myself becoming more and more agitated as each guest came down and just HAD to let me know some tiny detail about what could have made their stay here better. Finally I made it to the last checkout and he's a regular so I was a little relieved. I was checking him out and making small talk when he said, "Hey, what do ya say we grab some dinner and take in a movie when you get off?" This irritates me  for a few reasons. Number 1, he knows I have a boyfriend because he asked me why I moved up here on one of his visits. Number 2, I know for a FACT he's married. I just declined his offer but it really started to just piss me off. How inappropriate is it to ask someone to dinner and a movie when you're MARRIED? UGH!! I used to actually like this guy because he was always really nice to everyone at the desk but now I just think he's a scumbag. Anyway, I got all the loony toons out and was finally ready to settle in and catch up on my t.v. shows for the rest of the day. As if that would ever happen! My boss came in and started throwing mass amounts of paperwork my way because a new company wants to buy the hotel. Seriously? I was ankle deep in boxes of financial paperwork, the phone was ringing off the hook with people asking the dumbest questions like, "It says online that you have a heated pool, but at what temperature do you keep it? 86 degrees is what I like." Guess what! If you like water at 86 degrees, fill up your bathtub and jump in it with your toaster. Let me know how hot it gets! And for some reason, the housekeeping department decided to throw a tantrum about something that took the manager away and left me with NO help. It's days like this that cause me to drink and I don't smoke but I almost took it up by my 7th hour on the job.

Coworker Woes

Creeper status - code red:

All of my posts up to now have been about the idiotic guests, but let me take you into the inner workings of the hotel and talk about the shadiest employee we have. There is a guy that works for the housekeeping department but he doesn't clean rooms. He is a houseman, which basically means he does janitorial duties and he also works as a bellhop for a few hours on our really busy nights. There is no other way to describe this guy other than sketchy. He is hispanic but he speaks English pretty well and apparently he moved here from Florida because he got into some kind of trouble down there. What kind of trouble, I don't know, but after working with him for a few months, I could probably guess. He is the most annoying, most infuriating person to be around and for some reason he always seems to work during my shift. I literally cannot stand this guy or anything about him. I have told him this on several occasions and instead of taking the hint, he'll just bring me flowers and hearts that he makes out of napkins. WHAT THE EFF? When he first started he seemed really nice but I got the vibe that something was very off with him. I noticed after a couple days of working here that guests were telling me how friendly and helpful he was so I assumed he was doing a really good job and just went about my business. One morning during breakfast, I overheard him talking to a group of guests and noticed he was handing them comment cards. Apparently since the first day he started he had been bothering guests, trying to get them to give him good reviews and compliments, thinking it would cause the manager to give him a raise. What a moron. Obviously, he ended up getting in trouble because we are never supposed to tell a guest to review us or comment on our helpfulness. If a guest wants to do so on their own, fine, but we should never tell them to. So after he was told to stop harassing people into giving him good reviews, he became super annoying. All he does is stand at the front desk and talk about the dumbest shit ever. One day he asked me: "What would you do if I followed you home and spray painted your car?" SKETCHBALL. Um, I would call the freakin' cops and hopefully have you arrested, weirdo. And that's only if I don't light your melon head on fire. Other times, he'll come behind the front desk (I have no idea how he got the code) and just stand behind the second computer like he works here and then when guests go up to him, he has no clue what to do. If a guest came up to me, he would stand right behind me and talk over me while I was trying to check them in or out, whatever the case may be. I finally got fed up with him and just flipped out telling him he had no business behind the desk and if he decided to do it again, I'd have to tell management. Thinking I was finally rid of him ever talking to me again, I was creeper free for a week or so until he walked up to the desk and handed me an envelope one day. He said, "Keep this on the down low, Miss." Curious, I opened the envelope and found a list of movies he had bootlegged and was trying to sell. To be clear, I did not purchase any of these but it was almost laughable that he was even trying to sell them. Almost all of the movies were like 4+ years old and weren't even that good when they were new. Really? You're trying to sell me a bootlegged copy of Scream? Christ, people are such tards now a days!

During one of his bellhop shifts, no one could find him for a few hours, so we just gave up. I walked into the fitness center to refill my water bottle and nearly peed myself because when I turned the lights on because he was lying down on the treadmill watching tv. Of course, I blew up at him and told him to get the fuck out of the gym and start doing his job. He's always lurking in the dark and never seems to be around when something actually has to be done. I mean, I've caught this guy in the weirdest places during some of our busiest hours. He is an incredibly gross pig too. Apparently he treats his girlfriend/mom to his children like crap while eye raping every female he comes in contact with. He's a pig, a sketchball, a creeper, a lurker, a lazy bum, a pain in the ass, and pretty much the bane of my existence. Not to mention, he's always trying to get everyone to give him their tips. Why the fuck would I give you a tip that the guest left for me, douchebag? Stop spending your paycheck making unsellable bootleg dvds and then maybe you'll have money to buy a soda or a bag of chips for lunch! EVERYONE here hates him and we've all complained to management about 20 times each so hopefully he'll get fired soon or someone will throw a twig in the spoke of that ridiculous scooter he rides to work everyday and we'll never hear from him again. I know this sounds incredibly mean and I normally don't wish harm on anyone but if I had to pick one person in the world to throw in a bottomless pit, it'd be him.

I am a Rachel Ruiner

Graduation hell:
It comes as no surprise that graduation is a huge deal in every college town. We are no exception. Every hotel in the area was sold out one year before graduation and of course the rates are sky high! Hotel management knows that no mother is going to let $300 a night stand in the way of seeing her baby walk across that stage and get his $40,000 degree in poetry, which he'll use to write cheesy poems that will never get published and he'll read at the local coffee shop for free because he is, after all, a "starving artist." I understand though. Who doesn't want to celebrate such a big occasion with family and friends and who isn't going to pay $600 per room to make sure that happens? The whole weekend seemed to be going smoothly until today. Today is when they all had to check out and trust me, that is when people will complain the most and do whatever they can to get money back. I got the usual "my towels were rough" or the "I could hear people in the hall all night." First, hotel towels suck and you've stayed here about 20 times and have never complained until you had to pay $300 a night. Why the hell not though? I guess I'd complain about rough towels if I was paying that much too. And as for people in the hall, you know it's graduation weekend and somewhere in your tiny brain, I'm sure you deduced that college aged kids and the ones with cool parents would be celebrating this event with lots of alcohol. I'm sorry you're the one sour grape in over 100 people. Step off. Honestly, these are the kinds of complaints I get all the time and can deal with them fine but here comes the one that I literally had no response for. This woman walks straight up to the desk and says: "I would like to thank you and this hotel for ruining my daughter's graduation experience. We were in the room trying to open presents with her and a housekeeper knocked and asked if we needed service." Are you waiting for me to finish that complaint, because I already did. How does someone knocking on the door and asking you one question ruin an entire graduation weekend? It's not like she asked you which one ordered the crack rock or came in dressed as Osama Bin Laden back from the grave. This lady actually wanted me to refund all 4 of her rooms because housekeeping came in and asked if they wanted service or needed anything. Seriously?! I was supposed to give this nutcase $2400 because a staff member was doing her job. Lady, get the fuck out. She argued with me for about 20 minutes and even used the line, "My daughter's memories of this weekend won't be good ones, they'll be plagued with our celebration and gift opening part of the day being interrupted for no good reason at all. Your staff should have more class." WHAT?! She fucking knocked on your door, which was opened by you. Also, there was no "Do not disturb" sign hanging on the door. After listening to her gripe over the stupidest shit ever, I finally told her there was absolutely nothing I could do for her and that had it been something more serious, I would have gladly refunded money but in this case, I couldn't. I apologized for being a Rachel Ruiner of her weekend and her schemes to get all her money back but she was nuttier than a squirrel's poop, y'all and I was glad to see her go!

My last guest to check out left me with the advice that "Everyone you meet is usually an alright person, but it's the devil inside of 'em that you need to watch out for." Preach, old man, preach!

As for the picture, I'd rather be at Hogwarts too, sistaaahh.

Language Barriers

Yell until she understands:
If there's anything I wish I could do, it would be to speak another language fluently. You would be surprised how many people I deal with on a weekly basis that don't speak any English at all. It's really more frustrating than you could imagine. It's also unique how people try to cope with this little problem. Some people (specifically a small Chinese lady that has stayed here a few times) choose to scream and wave their hands frantically like some sort of deranged bird thinking that on the 3rd flap, I'll suddenly speak Chinese! There are others that speak the only English words they know really slow. Yep, that's the way to do it! Surely saying "YES" over and over again in the slowest way possible and dragging it out is better than giving me your last name. I don't think these people realize that I'm just as frustrated as they are! All you have to do when you check in is show me your Identification. Passport, license, military ID... it doesn't matter. Just show me a piece of paper with your name on it and I can check you in within 5 minutes and you don't have to jump up and down in the lobby or do the chicken dance until I finally understand what part of Zimbabwe you're from. Another favorite of mine is when they just don't speak at all. They just stand in front of me, staring blankly,  while I ask for their last name. This one guy was in front of me for literally 5 minutes just being completely quiet the whole time I was talking to him and I'm pretty sure he was trying to send me some sort of telepathic signs that he spoke Swahili and if I would have given him just 5 more minutes, I would have been fluent enough in Swahili to tell him where the bathroom was. All in all, my desk clerk experience has prompted me to at least try and learn a few new languages or at least the basics because if I see one more person do something similar to a sacrificial ritual in order to check them in, I might actually lose my mind.

People Watching

You know you want to eat that muffin:
I have to admit, one of the best things about working as a hotel desk clerk is people watching. It's so fun to watch people when they think no one's looking, but sometimes it's incredibly gross. For instance, there was a guy standing in one of the hallways for at least 5 minutes just picking his nose and examining each booger. It was totes disgusting! Between the security cameras and people walking through the lobby, I see everything. I see people pick wedgies, scratch their asses, randomly sniff themselves, fall, run into things.. the list goes on and on. One morning, I was at the desk just "observing" people during breakfast hours and by that I mean, I had my nose crammed in a book and would only look up every few minutes. It just so happens I glanced up at precisely the right moment. Everyone had cleared out except for one really old man. He was wandering around checking out everything on the bar and it seemed like he was a little overwhelmed with his options. After several minutes, it looked like he had finally decided on a muffin and some yogurt. He picked a table, sat down and then just stared at his plate. I can't be sure if he did this on purpose or if it was an accident but I swear to God it looked like he swatted at the muffin. Whatever the case may be, the muffin landed on the ground and was there for a solid minute before the old geezer finally picked it up. The five second rule clearly doesn't apply when you're a 99 year old man. He looked at the muffin for about 30 more seconds then gobbled it down. I immediately stuck my face back in my book because I knew I was about to lose it and start cracking up. This old man was so ridiculous. He stayed in the lobby for a long while just putting things on his plate and staring at them for a long time before devouring them. Maybe he was giving himself a pep talk to get up enough courage to eat the food or maybe he was just a crazy old man. Regardless, I love him and I wish he ate breakfast here every single day. :o)

One Smart Cookie

Remembering where you need to be is rocket science:
As I've said in my previous posts, I always try to be as cheerful as possible when I get to work in the mornings. It's hard, because I'm not a morning person and it's made even harder when I'm dealing with absolute ass clowns. I had a "gentleman" come in this morning to check in. First of all, check in is at 4 p.m. but we had some rooms ready so it wasn't a huge deal. Then comes the ordeal. I can't find his name in the system and the confirmation number he kept repeating (as if saying it 15 freaking times is going to make your reservation magically appear) wasn't there either. I know for a fact this isn't one of our confirmation numbers because it's longer than our's and it starts with a different number. I asked him politely if he's sure he had a reservation with us. He proceeded to tell me he isn't a moron and he'd know if he'd booked somewhere else. I told him I could give a room and that there was no problem, but of course, that solution didn't satisfy him. He wanted to find his reservation and when he started raising his voice, I literally tried to give him everything he wanted. I even discounted the room rate for him but that was not good enough either. How on Earth could we lose his precious reservation and why won't his confirmation number work?! Then he told me he's pretty sure he was prepaid so I should give him the room for free. Suuuuuuuuure!! Let me get right on that. My boss would be totally ok with me giving you a room for free simply because you told me you had already paid for one, even though I have no evidence or documents saying so. He got all huffy when I told him I couldn't do that and then yells "WHATEVER!!," takes his keys and marches away to his room. One hour later, he came back and told me he had to check out. I had to ask if there was a problem even though I know he already hates me and that there was sure to be something else for me to deal with. Get ready for it, folks. He did have a reservation, JUST NOT HERE!! I couldn't stop smiling and he could clearly see how much of a dumbass I thought he was. When I asked him where his reservation was, he was reluctant to say but then admitted that it was in a po-dunk town about 30 minutes away. Absolutely, I realize that you meant to book your reservation here and can definitely see how you got us confused with Hooker's Delight Motel in Hobbitown, West Virginia, jackass!!! It's just so satisfying when they finally realize they are, indeed, as smart as a bag of hair and I was right all along. That's all for today but it's only 10 a.m. so who knows what else could happen!

Verbal Punching Bag

The incredibly stupid woman:
It amazes me how much people expect me to know about every little thing. Of course I know where you can find a Mongolian Bar-b-que restaurant that offers Kosher and vegetarian options as well, and who doesn't know where Possum Trot Lane in the middle of Bumfuck is?! I had a lady come down this morning and tell me her friends in Room 411 weren't answering their cell phones or the room phone. So I suggested to her that they might be out or still asleep. Oooooh no! "Well, Cathy doesn't sleep past 8 so they must be out. Where do you think they went?" What else could I do except give her a blank stare? The only information I have on your friends in room 411 is that they are staying here for 1 night and that they booked their room online.  Oh, but now that I know Cathy doesn't sleep past 8, I can tell you exactly where she is with her entire family, how long they'll be out and why they won't answer your phone calls. People are so stupid. I'm not even at the tip of the iceberg yet, folks. Not even 30 minutes later a group came by to check out of room 411. During the checkout, I say "Oh, I think your friend over there was trying to reach you." Lo and behold, now I'm the moron. "Um.. we don't know that lady." Turns out, the idiot had been calling room 411 but her friends were not staying in 411 at our hotel. They were staying in 411 at the hotel across the street. What a fucking tard.


Sure you can yell at me:
I'm at work and breakfast is over. I thought I was in the clear and sat down to read one of my books. Ah, the silence is like a mini vacation from all the nutters I have to deal with everyday. Right when I'm good and relaxed, the phone rings. Surprise, Surprise. It's the same crazy guy that's been yelling at me everyday for almost a month. Let me just give you a little background on this nut job. He booked an online reservation that was prepaid and had a no cancellation policy. He called me a while back to cancel and when I explained that he couldn't and that his card had already been charged, I'm pretty sure he actually lost his mind. He proceeded to yell curse words at me and then actually said: "I hope my son does get into school here so I can purposely stay away from your hotel and you, you stupid bitch." Oh yes, because it's my fault you decided to book a non-cancellable room and then cancel. Gotcha. He also told me he wanted to talk to my manager about my attitude because I didn't "sound upset" about his situation. What a jackass. I hope his son doesn't get into college anywhere and leaches off of him until he dies. Anyway, the story doesn't end there. This same guy has been calling and harassing the hotel for about a month to try and get his money back and every time he gets shut down, especially now that he's being so ridiculous about it. Clearly he has never heard of catching more flies with honey than vinegar. His latest move was to call his bank and tell them it was a phony charge and that he has never stayed at this hotel. The last part is true (thank God), but he did make a prepaid reservation. When the bank called to verify this information, my manager was already on top of it and faxed over several documents confirming that the charges were, indeed, valid. So this morning, guess who calls! Mr. Nutso! He immediately starts yelling at me and telling me we had no right to fax documents to his bank (even though we did) and he must have called me "BITCH" about 10 times. I stopped counting at 6. He also told me he hated the company that owned our hotel and he "sincerely hopes we get a bed bug and lice infestation and have to close down." I eventually hung up on him after I had heard enough and my manager is in the process of having his number blocked and putting him on the black list for our hotel. Cheers, crazy man. It's people like him that cause me to drink.

The Life and Times of a Hotel Desk Clerk

Hey folks! My name is Brooke and I have finally decided to share my experiences as a hotel desk clerk with YOU. While reading some of these stories, some of you might start to think I'm just a hood rat working at some sketchball motel in the middle of a backwoods ghetto. Let me be very clear: I am not a hood rat working at some sketchball motel. Quite the opposite in fact. Yes, the hotel I work at could be construed as being sketchy after all the stories I'm going to spill, but it's actually a pretty nice 3 star hotel in a small college town. I see people from all walks of life every single day, each with their own laughable and sometimes god awful personalities. Most of these Ho-Tales are going to be about the guests, but don't forget about housekeeping! We have such a colorful housekeeping staff at the hotel that I hear and see more crazy shit go down in the laundry room than you could even wrap your head around. I have only worked in the hotel business for 7 months and all I can say is people are nuts!

Let's start the morning off with a BANG, literally:
I got to work at 7 a.m. and like always, I try to be perky and just a giant ray of sunshine because I know that's the only way to get through 51 checkouts. Checkouts might be the worst shift because that's when all the complaints come rolling in, but nonetheless, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed. At exactly 7:34 a.m., these 3 people come to the front desk. My sketchball radar immediately started blaring.  It's two guys and one girl. They were all 3 high out of their minds, which was obvious to see and smell. One guy was around my age (mid 20s) and the other man was straight up grandpa status. I wanted to tell him to go home, change his depends and stop trying to roll with the youngens but for obvious reasons, I couldn't. The girl that was standing quietly in between the two of them looked like a crackhead. Not because she was shady but because she was about the size of broomstick and being all twitchy and shit. She was also super paranoid of me having her ID on file, which is standard protocol when people pay in cash, which they did because they claimed to not have any credit cards for me to put on file to use for incidentals (sketchball radar gets louder and louder). Anyway, the younger guy started telling me he needed a room but I couldn't really understand anything he was saying because he was mumbling and talking so low, so the old man stepped in. Apparently they needed a room for just a few hours (radar: BEEP, BEEP, BEEP). So I offered them the half day rate, which they accepted and decided to pay in cash. I'm thinking... alright... almost there, just get them a room and some keys. So then I ask, "Would you like a room with one or two beds?" This is when the younger guy decided to step back in, "Yo, we just need one bed so we can get our freak on, y'know?" WHHYYYY? Why is it always me?! First, I don't know because I don't check into hotel rooms for 2 hours at a time to have some guy dog me out. Second, that poor girl. I'm positive she had a train ran on her and I don't know who I feel worse for. Her for being in such a terrible situation or me for knowing there was a man my age and a man my father's age running a train on a crackhead that couldn't have been more than 18 or 19. Seriously, that is one room I didn't want to have to inspect when they checked out.

Bitch:
So a few hours later, breakfast started clearing out and I was trying to get all of the paperwork in order. All of a sudden, I heard a loud crash and looked up to see what all of the commotion was. This lady was apparently trying to carry a few cups of coffee out to her car when she dropped one of them. What does she do about this accident? She looked at me and said "Oops!" and just kept walking out of the door. Sure, I'll be happy to clean that up. Bitch! I hope she spilled the other coffees in her lap while she was driving down the interstate.

That's really all I have for tonight, but tomorrow is a whole new day. Until then... :)