Things That Go DRUNK in The Night

Night auditors save lives:
A lot of our front desk employees are students at the nearby college and they all want to go home for the Holiday breaks. Guess who gets to work all the crappy shifts! Your's truly. Out of all of the shifts, night audit is usually the most dreaded but it's not all bad. Night audit is mostly sitting alone in silence. You can watch movies, read a book or knit. Really, whatever you want because after 2am, you rarely see or talk to anyone until 7am. Unfortunately, my night audit shifts fell on the weekend of a home football game. Those are the shifts you DON'T want. Football games mean people are getting hammered. Night audit shifts during a home football game means you are dealing with those people that got hammered. Friday wasn't so bad. There was a little bit of drama with a drunk girl crying over her boyfriend but eventually she went to bed. It was Saturday that almost caused me to quit. I came in at 11pm on Saturday, hoping and praying that everyone had already gotten drunk and cleared out since the game was at Noon. Sadly, they were not gone. The lobby had a big crowd of absolutely wasted people that were playing some insane drinking game where they kept throwing one dollar bills in the air. Yes, REAL money. After a few hours they were so drunk that one guy started throwing 5s and 10s. They finally managed to make it to their rooms, but left at least $60 all over the floor. I put it in an envelope with a room number on it, because I knew what room at least one of the guys was staying in. Hopefully, they stopped by the desk the next day to collect their lost cash. Looking back, I should have kept it because they were all just morons and horrible people. So, it's around 2am and everything was quiet. The cabs were pulling up and dropping off mass amounts of boozers but they all just stumbled to their rooms as I watched in silence. As a few people were still filing out of the cabs, the phone rang. There was a disturbance. Apparently some drunken old lady stumbled out of her room to get ice but couldn't remember which room was her. In her stupor, she just tried to go in every room. Banging on them, yelling... whatever it took to get the door open. I guided her into the correct room and asked the party she was with to please try and control themselves because others were trying to sleep. I went back downstairs hoping that was the end of the drunk drama. How wrong I was! For a few hours everything was calm. I read a few hundred pages of my book and even started to watch a movie on Netflix. 3:30am rolls around.... LET THE CRAZINESS BEGIN!

I get a phone call about another disturbance. Thinking it was the same as last time (drunk person knocking on wrong door), I put my BRB sign on the desk and walked upstairs. As I turn down the hallway, I went into panic mode (at least my panic mode, which was actually calm mode comparatively)! There was a group of young looking people in the hallway and an old man... all surrounding a girl on the floor. The young group was in straight up hysterics. They were crying and shrieking and one of the guys was slapping the girl on the floor in the face. HARD! I had NO IDEA what was happening. I started running and when I got there the old man starts frantically telling me he walked out of his room to get ice and saw the girl just laying there. He tried to wake her up and could get no response. In a panic, he started knocking on surrounding doors until he found her room --- full of youngens playing drinking games --- with hard liquor. This girl was NOT moving. I mean, honestly, if I hadn't checked her pulse myself I would have thought she was dead. Everyone just kept screaming and more people started coming out of their rooms. Someone (I can't even remember who) was on the phone with 911 but I could tell the girl on the floor was either choking or had stopped breathing because she turned really, really white and was completely unresponsive. My panic mode isn't to scream or freak out, it's to do what needs to be done if someone is dying. I turned the girl over on her stomach, picked her up as much as I could and shoved my hand down her throat. I mean, I touched her tonsils!! She started throwing up and coming to a LITTLE bit. I mean, she could still barely open her eyes but at least her color was coming back and she actually had some kind of response. She must have spewed about a GALLON of tequila. It REEKED and was pretty much nothing but pure Jose that was coming out of her. The paramedics showed up and took her and her friends to the hospital. The whole time the paramedic was making her friends thank me for saving the girl's life. The next day, everyone I work with pulled it up on the security cameras and there was one part where I was shaking one of her friends that was crying. I DO NOT REMEMBER DOING THAT. So, I even looked a little shaken up in the video but when shit gets real, you need to stop crying and take action!! The girl's mom called the hotel to thank me because the hospital said there was a good chance she wouldn't have made it if I didn't make her throw up. 


What can I say... other than I'm NEVER working night audit again.

Sausage Batter?

People are dumb:

This post may cause you to lose faith in the intelligence of the human race (if you haven't already).

A few weeks ago, I was standing at the desk and a guy walked up and said "Umm, can you help me? I did something bad." He looked worried so I was hesitant to even ask what it was but I took a big gulp and asked anyway. Apparently this idiot poured SAUSAGE GRAVY in the WAFFLE MAKER because he thought the sausage gravy was batter. Let's examine the steps he had to take to make this happen.

1. The cup he used to scoop up the sausage gravy was a batter cup. They are placed on a big tin that says "BATTER." It's in big, bold letters. 

2. The waffle station and the sausage gravy are on opposite ends of the bar. So he had to take a batter cup from the waffle station, walk all the way to the other end of the bar to scoop up the gravy and walk back to the waffle iron.

3. He had to disregard the ladle used for scooping sausage gravy, because he used a plastic cup to scoop it up and drip it all along the breakfast bar and the floor. 

Let's not forget the fact that sausage gravy is hot, brownish and has chunks of sausage in it.  Waffle batter is cold, vanilla colored and completely smooth.

Needless to say, we had to unplug the waffle iron because the sausage gravy was burning in it and causing a horrible smell. Instead of unplugging the machine when it happened, the guy walked to the desk to let us know something was wrong so by the time I got over to the breakfast bar the waffle iron was just disgusting with charred meat and weird juice. The kitchen guy was probably the unhappiest about all of this because he had a horrible mess to clean. 

What do you tell someone that does something that stupid? I mean, all I could do was smile and tell him it was OK. At least he stopped by the desk before checking out to see if he had any extra charges because of the little mishap. Unfortunately, we can't charge people for being complete idiots.

Let's Not get Ghetto, Y'all!!

Football season is when shit gets real:

So, as you might know... IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON!! Normally, this is the time of year that makes me rejoice because it means I can trash talk a certain college team that will remain unnamed, I get to play Fantasy Football, a new season of The League is on and most importantly, my weekends are dedicated to being THAT fan and drinking more beer than usual and not being judged for it! The only downside to football season is that I work in a college town that happens to have a big football following. While I am all for the tailgating and the running around half naked covered in body paint, I am not all for the crazy guests that end up at our hotel. This season has been fairly tame compared to years past, but a few games ago I realized that ladies are no longer ladies when the ole pigskin gets broken out. First, let me explain our hotel's policy for special events (ie football, graduation, etc.). Every guest is mailed a contract and a confirmation. Upon receiving said documents, you need to review, sign and send them back. If they aren't returned by a specific date, your reservation is cancelled. Believe me... it sounds pretty easy to understand but you would be surprised at how many people show up thinking they have reservations when they don't. And that's exactly what happened a few weeks ago. I worked all morning and was hoping to get out of the hotel around 7pm so I could go enjoy a dinner and some drinks with my significant other (unlikely on a football weekend, but we all know I like to dream). As I was closing my shift and the evening manager arrived, I could hear a front desk clerk having some trouble with a guest that had just walked in. Hoping to be out of sight before the problem could reach me, I started moving quickly... NOT FAST ENOUGH, FOLKS! 

Desk Clerk: This lady says she has reservations here with us tonight, but it looks like they were cancelled because the contract was never received and a valid form of payment wasn't on file.

I walk out front to explain to this "lady" that she did not have reservations with us and tried to tell her why. BAD.IDEA. Before I could even finish the sentence, she starts letting the cuss words fly! 

Crazy: "THIS IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT!! I WANT TO SPEAK WITH YOUR BOSS."

Me: "Ma'am, I do apologize, but if you'll just calm down I'm sure we can figure something out. I'd be happy to call around and try to find you a room."

Unfortunately, the conversation went like that for another minute or so until I walked around the desk in the hopes that I could pull her away from other guests checking in. However, she was prepared. She started telling me that she was "GOING TO GET LOUD" and "CAUSE A FUCKING SCENE" if I didn't get her a room at our property because she did not want to get back in her car after driving for 6 hours. I told her that was pretty much IMPOSSIBLE because everyone that had rooms with us were competent and knew to send their contracts back, SIGNED. Obviously, I didn't say it like that but you get the gist and so did she. At which point she threatened to SLAP ME. She actually threatened me with physical violence. I kept stepping back, while she kept stepping forward. It made for a really awkward and uncomfortable scene in our lobby. Finally, her husband (who look MORTIFIED the whole time this was happening) got in between us and told her she needed to calm down and was "acting like a wild animal." Thank God!! Because now her sights were set on this poor man that opted to marry her... who the hell knows why!

While she was busy ripping her husband's heart out and stomping on it in our lobby, I called around and found a hotel room. I even offered to pay for it just to get her to calm down. Still wasn't good enough. You tell me, folks.... If you are being offered a FREE hotel room (valued at $269 a night + tax) versus paying for one, which option do you take?? In the end, her husband's logic and physical strength won out as he dragged her out the door with the directions I printed for him. The whole time she was telling me she'd never stay with us again and that I was lucky because if her husband wasn't there, she would have already ripped my face off. GOD BLESS THAT MAN!! 

Anyway... I made it dinner around 9pm.

....She called 1 week later to apologize to me. And to book a room. I lied and told her we were sold out.