If Assholes Could Fly...

Hump day assholes:

Hump day is so bittersweet. It's like "you're half way there, but not quite!" This hump day was particularly painful for me because I worked a turnaround. If you don't know what that is, I'll explain. It's when you work one shift, wait 8 hours and go back for another. In this case, my turnaround was from 3-11pm and then back again at 7am-3. Miserable. The first few guests I saw were really nice and everything was going ok except for my occasional tendency to doze off or my constant yawning. Coffee was clearly not working. At one point, I had Dory (the little blue fish from Finding Nemo) in my head with her infamous catch phrase: "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." Nothing was helping me stay awake but finally I got the wake up call I needed. This guy came downstairs and I could tell he was pissed as soon as he stepped off the elevator. Realizing he had my attention already, he started screaming before he even got to the desk. "I had a blue and white striped towel in my bathroom and now it's gone!! I'm pretty sure your housekeepers swiped it!" Ooook, calm down! First of all, housekeeping scoops up all the towels when they go in to replace and refresh everything in the rooms. If the towels are all wadded up on the bathroom floor, they certainly don't go rifling through them to make sure they aren't scooping up any fancy schmancy personal towels. I explain to him that I'll have housekeeping find it and I'll bring it up to him as soon as they do so. This was not going to make him happy. "I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY WOULD TAKE MY PERSONAL TOWEL!" I told him it was probably just an accident and they grabbed it when they grabbed the dirty hotel towels in the room. Ooooooh no! Apparently the housekeepers were just out to get his precious striped towel. The way he was acting, I was sure this towel had some magical powers equivalent to Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. I was actually hoping to try it out when they did find the towel because at that point, I wanted nothing more than to be invisible. He continued to rant about how they have no right to take his personal belongings (I understand, but it's not like they took his laptop) and went on and on about how he was going to lock everything in his room up before he left. Whatever dude... you are literally insane. I ended up finding his towel, giving it back, deducting $25 from his stay here and offering him a half off coupon for his next stay just so he wouldn't make a customer complaint to the manager, which is a big ordeal and ends up being more of a pain in the ass for me. Mr. Loco ended up getting what he wanted and got the fuck out of my hair. I thought I could spend the rest of my day watching my trashy reality shows, but from previous posts, we all know what happens when I think. The elevator got stuck in between the 3rd and 4th floors and I had to get the maintenance guys to bring it down manually and then use the emergency elevator key to get the guests inside of it out. Of course, they all wanted their money back or a free stay or a freakin' million dollars because they were stuck in an elevator for 10 minutes. Super annoying. I finally got all but one guest appeased and he said he would be taking the matter up with the general manager because I "wasn't high enough up on the food chain to give him what he wanted." Who says stuff like that? I'll tell you who... DICKS. I mean seriously, if assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!! I have never met so many rude people in my life. One day I'll come to work and everything will just flow, but until that day comes, I'll be here... blogging away.

Perks, Perks, Perks!

Swag:
So I know I usually gripe in my posts and complain about all the horrible guests but the truth is, I do like my job. It's always easier to post about the bad stuff because it's funnier to read and it helps me vent about the morons of the world. For every complaint I get, there is always 2 or 3 compliments to match it and some guests are just so awesome, I want them to stay all the time. One of the best parts of my job is getting free stuff and finding tips in the key card envelopes with little notes like "Thanks for being so kind and helpful." Sometimes it'll just be the note, but it still makes me feel just as good as if they put a hundred dollar bill in my hand! Of course, everyone likes getting free stuff. Who wouldn't, right? I saw a lady give the creepy houseman a $5 gift card to Subway and he skipped through the lobby for like 10 minutes. This one dude always brings me a new martini recipe or a jar of some new olives he knew I just had to have! My job is also pretty sweet when conferences and career expos stay here because during checkout they realize they brought way too many t-shirts, hats, pens, etc. I have collected Royal Royce shirts, Rawling Sporting Goods shirts, Budweiser shirts, fireman hats, farmer hats, fresh strawberries, home brews and even coupons to local restaurants just from career fairs! It's pretty awesome. If you  know me then you know there's probably no chance that I actually wear a giant straw hat or a fireman's hat that says "Little Hero," and I don't really like to use coupons at local, small businesses but it's still fun to get things. Most of the stuff I get, I just give to little kids that stay here or to the other employees that really want it. I do keep my tips and I LOVE the food. My favorite is when a guest comes down with pizza and says, "Oops! Looks like we ordered too much and thought you might like some lunch!" Yessss! I always forget to pack lunch and we don't get to leave for a lunch like most normal jobs allow. Soooo, I totes want your pizza! Another favorite of mine is when conferences have catered meetings here and they have the caterers make plates for everyone at the desk. Talk about deeeeelicious! Maybe the reason I always forget my lunch is because I secretly hope randos will serve me amazing food. If that makes me sound like a fatty, so be it! Gift cards are a key item too. I once got a $25 gift card to Kroger because I was working on Christmas Day (which did suck!) and this old lady from the local church felt bad for me and thought it was just SO mean that the hotel made me work on Jesus's birthday! Hey, I'll take your pity if it means free groceries for me!

Football season is the best time of the year to work here because we get bonuses when we sell out and the regulars are AMAZING. This one lady ALWAYS brings us a homemade chocolate chip cake and it literally tastes like little baby angels delivered it from Heaven. God bless that woman and her baking skills. The younger guys are probably the best gift givers, though, because they are constantly throwing six packs of beer at us or liquor. "Aww Shit! This won't fit in our cooler, darlin'! Here, you take it!" Oh, me? Sure thing! All in all, as much as I complain about the petty, nitpicking human beings that stay here, we do have our fair share of really awesome guests and the perks that come with them aren't too bad either!

Working For The Weekend

Not a morning person:
It is a well known fact in my close circle of friends that I am NOT a morning person. I love sleep more than anything else, yet I work the morning shift that causes me to wake up at 5:30-6 a.m. 5 mornings out of the week. As delightful as I try to be at 7 a.m., it proves to be difficult, especially on days like today. I was running on very little sleep because my boyfriend snored like a freight train and hogged the blankets all night. Nonetheless, at 6 a.m., I was in the shower and by 7 a.m., I was standing behind the desk at my favorite hotel. I was on my 2nd cup of coffee and already contemplating whether or not I should use the french vanilla or hazelnut creamer in my 3rd. I assumed it would be a slow day but, alas, I assumed wrong. I only had thirteen checkouts, which isn't a lot but it is enough for me to know someone will surely complain. Surprise, surprise! First person to come to the desk complained that the breakfast wasn't exactly appealing to a "vegetarian palate" and the fruit we offer isn't organic. Seriously? It's a FREE hotel breakfast! If you don't like it, don't fucking eat it. I'm sorry that Farmer Fred isn't out back plucking carrots and potatoes to make the perfect vegetarian dish for you! How 'bout eating an apple or a bowl of cereal or a bagel or a muffin or a waffle? Anyway, I just apologized and moved on to the next. "Miss (squints to read my name tag) B-Broooooke? There is a problem with my hair dryer. It just isn't working." She insisted that I bring her a new one right away! I go get the new hair dryer and head up to her room to hook it up. I immediately realize why it wasn't working... IT WASN'T PLUGGED IN! I showed her what the problem was and she replied with "Well, ain't that just a hoot!" No, no it is not a hoot. I don't see any owls in here, lady. Of course, I get back to the desk to find a line of people complaining about having to wait, but since I'm usually the only one here that early in the morning, I have to do everything myself. Ugh. I could just feel myself becoming more and more agitated as each guest came down and just HAD to let me know some tiny detail about what could have made their stay here better. Finally I made it to the last checkout and he's a regular so I was a little relieved. I was checking him out and making small talk when he said, "Hey, what do ya say we grab some dinner and take in a movie when you get off?" This irritates me  for a few reasons. Number 1, he knows I have a boyfriend because he asked me why I moved up here on one of his visits. Number 2, I know for a FACT he's married. I just declined his offer but it really started to just piss me off. How inappropriate is it to ask someone to dinner and a movie when you're MARRIED? UGH!! I used to actually like this guy because he was always really nice to everyone at the desk but now I just think he's a scumbag. Anyway, I got all the loony toons out and was finally ready to settle in and catch up on my t.v. shows for the rest of the day. As if that would ever happen! My boss came in and started throwing mass amounts of paperwork my way because a new company wants to buy the hotel. Seriously? I was ankle deep in boxes of financial paperwork, the phone was ringing off the hook with people asking the dumbest questions like, "It says online that you have a heated pool, but at what temperature do you keep it? 86 degrees is what I like." Guess what! If you like water at 86 degrees, fill up your bathtub and jump in it with your toaster. Let me know how hot it gets! And for some reason, the housekeeping department decided to throw a tantrum about something that took the manager away and left me with NO help. It's days like this that cause me to drink and I don't smoke but I almost took it up by my 7th hour on the job.

Coworker Woes

Creeper status - code red:

All of my posts up to now have been about the idiotic guests, but let me take you into the inner workings of the hotel and talk about the shadiest employee we have. There is a guy that works for the housekeeping department but he doesn't clean rooms. He is a houseman, which basically means he does janitorial duties and he also works as a bellhop for a few hours on our really busy nights. There is no other way to describe this guy other than sketchy. He is hispanic but he speaks English pretty well and apparently he moved here from Florida because he got into some kind of trouble down there. What kind of trouble, I don't know, but after working with him for a few months, I could probably guess. He is the most annoying, most infuriating person to be around and for some reason he always seems to work during my shift. I literally cannot stand this guy or anything about him. I have told him this on several occasions and instead of taking the hint, he'll just bring me flowers and hearts that he makes out of napkins. WHAT THE EFF? When he first started he seemed really nice but I got the vibe that something was very off with him. I noticed after a couple days of working here that guests were telling me how friendly and helpful he was so I assumed he was doing a really good job and just went about my business. One morning during breakfast, I overheard him talking to a group of guests and noticed he was handing them comment cards. Apparently since the first day he started he had been bothering guests, trying to get them to give him good reviews and compliments, thinking it would cause the manager to give him a raise. What a moron. Obviously, he ended up getting in trouble because we are never supposed to tell a guest to review us or comment on our helpfulness. If a guest wants to do so on their own, fine, but we should never tell them to. So after he was told to stop harassing people into giving him good reviews, he became super annoying. All he does is stand at the front desk and talk about the dumbest shit ever. One day he asked me: "What would you do if I followed you home and spray painted your car?" SKETCHBALL. Um, I would call the freakin' cops and hopefully have you arrested, weirdo. And that's only if I don't light your melon head on fire. Other times, he'll come behind the front desk (I have no idea how he got the code) and just stand behind the second computer like he works here and then when guests go up to him, he has no clue what to do. If a guest came up to me, he would stand right behind me and talk over me while I was trying to check them in or out, whatever the case may be. I finally got fed up with him and just flipped out telling him he had no business behind the desk and if he decided to do it again, I'd have to tell management. Thinking I was finally rid of him ever talking to me again, I was creeper free for a week or so until he walked up to the desk and handed me an envelope one day. He said, "Keep this on the down low, Miss." Curious, I opened the envelope and found a list of movies he had bootlegged and was trying to sell. To be clear, I did not purchase any of these but it was almost laughable that he was even trying to sell them. Almost all of the movies were like 4+ years old and weren't even that good when they were new. Really? You're trying to sell me a bootlegged copy of Scream? Christ, people are such tards now a days!

During one of his bellhop shifts, no one could find him for a few hours, so we just gave up. I walked into the fitness center to refill my water bottle and nearly peed myself because when I turned the lights on because he was lying down on the treadmill watching tv. Of course, I blew up at him and told him to get the fuck out of the gym and start doing his job. He's always lurking in the dark and never seems to be around when something actually has to be done. I mean, I've caught this guy in the weirdest places during some of our busiest hours. He is an incredibly gross pig too. Apparently he treats his girlfriend/mom to his children like crap while eye raping every female he comes in contact with. He's a pig, a sketchball, a creeper, a lurker, a lazy bum, a pain in the ass, and pretty much the bane of my existence. Not to mention, he's always trying to get everyone to give him their tips. Why the fuck would I give you a tip that the guest left for me, douchebag? Stop spending your paycheck making unsellable bootleg dvds and then maybe you'll have money to buy a soda or a bag of chips for lunch! EVERYONE here hates him and we've all complained to management about 20 times each so hopefully he'll get fired soon or someone will throw a twig in the spoke of that ridiculous scooter he rides to work everyday and we'll never hear from him again. I know this sounds incredibly mean and I normally don't wish harm on anyone but if I had to pick one person in the world to throw in a bottomless pit, it'd be him.

I am a Rachel Ruiner

Graduation hell:
It comes as no surprise that graduation is a huge deal in every college town. We are no exception. Every hotel in the area was sold out one year before graduation and of course the rates are sky high! Hotel management knows that no mother is going to let $300 a night stand in the way of seeing her baby walk across that stage and get his $40,000 degree in poetry, which he'll use to write cheesy poems that will never get published and he'll read at the local coffee shop for free because he is, after all, a "starving artist." I understand though. Who doesn't want to celebrate such a big occasion with family and friends and who isn't going to pay $600 per room to make sure that happens? The whole weekend seemed to be going smoothly until today. Today is when they all had to check out and trust me, that is when people will complain the most and do whatever they can to get money back. I got the usual "my towels were rough" or the "I could hear people in the hall all night." First, hotel towels suck and you've stayed here about 20 times and have never complained until you had to pay $300 a night. Why the hell not though? I guess I'd complain about rough towels if I was paying that much too. And as for people in the hall, you know it's graduation weekend and somewhere in your tiny brain, I'm sure you deduced that college aged kids and the ones with cool parents would be celebrating this event with lots of alcohol. I'm sorry you're the one sour grape in over 100 people. Step off. Honestly, these are the kinds of complaints I get all the time and can deal with them fine but here comes the one that I literally had no response for. This woman walks straight up to the desk and says: "I would like to thank you and this hotel for ruining my daughter's graduation experience. We were in the room trying to open presents with her and a housekeeper knocked and asked if we needed service." Are you waiting for me to finish that complaint, because I already did. How does someone knocking on the door and asking you one question ruin an entire graduation weekend? It's not like she asked you which one ordered the crack rock or came in dressed as Osama Bin Laden back from the grave. This lady actually wanted me to refund all 4 of her rooms because housekeeping came in and asked if they wanted service or needed anything. Seriously?! I was supposed to give this nutcase $2400 because a staff member was doing her job. Lady, get the fuck out. She argued with me for about 20 minutes and even used the line, "My daughter's memories of this weekend won't be good ones, they'll be plagued with our celebration and gift opening part of the day being interrupted for no good reason at all. Your staff should have more class." WHAT?! She fucking knocked on your door, which was opened by you. Also, there was no "Do not disturb" sign hanging on the door. After listening to her gripe over the stupidest shit ever, I finally told her there was absolutely nothing I could do for her and that had it been something more serious, I would have gladly refunded money but in this case, I couldn't. I apologized for being a Rachel Ruiner of her weekend and her schemes to get all her money back but she was nuttier than a squirrel's poop, y'all and I was glad to see her go!

My last guest to check out left me with the advice that "Everyone you meet is usually an alright person, but it's the devil inside of 'em that you need to watch out for." Preach, old man, preach!

As for the picture, I'd rather be at Hogwarts too, sistaaahh.

Language Barriers

Yell until she understands:
If there's anything I wish I could do, it would be to speak another language fluently. You would be surprised how many people I deal with on a weekly basis that don't speak any English at all. It's really more frustrating than you could imagine. It's also unique how people try to cope with this little problem. Some people (specifically a small Chinese lady that has stayed here a few times) choose to scream and wave their hands frantically like some sort of deranged bird thinking that on the 3rd flap, I'll suddenly speak Chinese! There are others that speak the only English words they know really slow. Yep, that's the way to do it! Surely saying "YES" over and over again in the slowest way possible and dragging it out is better than giving me your last name. I don't think these people realize that I'm just as frustrated as they are! All you have to do when you check in is show me your Identification. Passport, license, military ID... it doesn't matter. Just show me a piece of paper with your name on it and I can check you in within 5 minutes and you don't have to jump up and down in the lobby or do the chicken dance until I finally understand what part of Zimbabwe you're from. Another favorite of mine is when they just don't speak at all. They just stand in front of me, staring blankly,  while I ask for their last name. This one guy was in front of me for literally 5 minutes just being completely quiet the whole time I was talking to him and I'm pretty sure he was trying to send me some sort of telepathic signs that he spoke Swahili and if I would have given him just 5 more minutes, I would have been fluent enough in Swahili to tell him where the bathroom was. All in all, my desk clerk experience has prompted me to at least try and learn a few new languages or at least the basics because if I see one more person do something similar to a sacrificial ritual in order to check them in, I might actually lose my mind.