Things That Go DRUNK in The Night

Night auditors save lives:
A lot of our front desk employees are students at the nearby college and they all want to go home for the Holiday breaks. Guess who gets to work all the crappy shifts! Your's truly. Out of all of the shifts, night audit is usually the most dreaded but it's not all bad. Night audit is mostly sitting alone in silence. You can watch movies, read a book or knit. Really, whatever you want because after 2am, you rarely see or talk to anyone until 7am. Unfortunately, my night audit shifts fell on the weekend of a home football game. Those are the shifts you DON'T want. Football games mean people are getting hammered. Night audit shifts during a home football game means you are dealing with those people that got hammered. Friday wasn't so bad. There was a little bit of drama with a drunk girl crying over her boyfriend but eventually she went to bed. It was Saturday that almost caused me to quit. I came in at 11pm on Saturday, hoping and praying that everyone had already gotten drunk and cleared out since the game was at Noon. Sadly, they were not gone. The lobby had a big crowd of absolutely wasted people that were playing some insane drinking game where they kept throwing one dollar bills in the air. Yes, REAL money. After a few hours they were so drunk that one guy started throwing 5s and 10s. They finally managed to make it to their rooms, but left at least $60 all over the floor. I put it in an envelope with a room number on it, because I knew what room at least one of the guys was staying in. Hopefully, they stopped by the desk the next day to collect their lost cash. Looking back, I should have kept it because they were all just morons and horrible people. So, it's around 2am and everything was quiet. The cabs were pulling up and dropping off mass amounts of boozers but they all just stumbled to their rooms as I watched in silence. As a few people were still filing out of the cabs, the phone rang. There was a disturbance. Apparently some drunken old lady stumbled out of her room to get ice but couldn't remember which room was her. In her stupor, she just tried to go in every room. Banging on them, yelling... whatever it took to get the door open. I guided her into the correct room and asked the party she was with to please try and control themselves because others were trying to sleep. I went back downstairs hoping that was the end of the drunk drama. How wrong I was! For a few hours everything was calm. I read a few hundred pages of my book and even started to watch a movie on Netflix. 3:30am rolls around.... LET THE CRAZINESS BEGIN!

I get a phone call about another disturbance. Thinking it was the same as last time (drunk person knocking on wrong door), I put my BRB sign on the desk and walked upstairs. As I turn down the hallway, I went into panic mode (at least my panic mode, which was actually calm mode comparatively)! There was a group of young looking people in the hallway and an old man... all surrounding a girl on the floor. The young group was in straight up hysterics. They were crying and shrieking and one of the guys was slapping the girl on the floor in the face. HARD! I had NO IDEA what was happening. I started running and when I got there the old man starts frantically telling me he walked out of his room to get ice and saw the girl just laying there. He tried to wake her up and could get no response. In a panic, he started knocking on surrounding doors until he found her room --- full of youngens playing drinking games --- with hard liquor. This girl was NOT moving. I mean, honestly, if I hadn't checked her pulse myself I would have thought she was dead. Everyone just kept screaming and more people started coming out of their rooms. Someone (I can't even remember who) was on the phone with 911 but I could tell the girl on the floor was either choking or had stopped breathing because she turned really, really white and was completely unresponsive. My panic mode isn't to scream or freak out, it's to do what needs to be done if someone is dying. I turned the girl over on her stomach, picked her up as much as I could and shoved my hand down her throat. I mean, I touched her tonsils!! She started throwing up and coming to a LITTLE bit. I mean, she could still barely open her eyes but at least her color was coming back and she actually had some kind of response. She must have spewed about a GALLON of tequila. It REEKED and was pretty much nothing but pure Jose that was coming out of her. The paramedics showed up and took her and her friends to the hospital. The whole time the paramedic was making her friends thank me for saving the girl's life. The next day, everyone I work with pulled it up on the security cameras and there was one part where I was shaking one of her friends that was crying. I DO NOT REMEMBER DOING THAT. So, I even looked a little shaken up in the video but when shit gets real, you need to stop crying and take action!! The girl's mom called the hotel to thank me because the hospital said there was a good chance she wouldn't have made it if I didn't make her throw up. 


What can I say... other than I'm NEVER working night audit again.

Sausage Batter?

People are dumb:

This post may cause you to lose faith in the intelligence of the human race (if you haven't already).

A few weeks ago, I was standing at the desk and a guy walked up and said "Umm, can you help me? I did something bad." He looked worried so I was hesitant to even ask what it was but I took a big gulp and asked anyway. Apparently this idiot poured SAUSAGE GRAVY in the WAFFLE MAKER because he thought the sausage gravy was batter. Let's examine the steps he had to take to make this happen.

1. The cup he used to scoop up the sausage gravy was a batter cup. They are placed on a big tin that says "BATTER." It's in big, bold letters. 

2. The waffle station and the sausage gravy are on opposite ends of the bar. So he had to take a batter cup from the waffle station, walk all the way to the other end of the bar to scoop up the gravy and walk back to the waffle iron.

3. He had to disregard the ladle used for scooping sausage gravy, because he used a plastic cup to scoop it up and drip it all along the breakfast bar and the floor. 

Let's not forget the fact that sausage gravy is hot, brownish and has chunks of sausage in it.  Waffle batter is cold, vanilla colored and completely smooth.

Needless to say, we had to unplug the waffle iron because the sausage gravy was burning in it and causing a horrible smell. Instead of unplugging the machine when it happened, the guy walked to the desk to let us know something was wrong so by the time I got over to the breakfast bar the waffle iron was just disgusting with charred meat and weird juice. The kitchen guy was probably the unhappiest about all of this because he had a horrible mess to clean. 

What do you tell someone that does something that stupid? I mean, all I could do was smile and tell him it was OK. At least he stopped by the desk before checking out to see if he had any extra charges because of the little mishap. Unfortunately, we can't charge people for being complete idiots.

Let's Not get Ghetto, Y'all!!

Football season is when shit gets real:

So, as you might know... IT'S FOOTBALL SEASON!! Normally, this is the time of year that makes me rejoice because it means I can trash talk a certain college team that will remain unnamed, I get to play Fantasy Football, a new season of The League is on and most importantly, my weekends are dedicated to being THAT fan and drinking more beer than usual and not being judged for it! The only downside to football season is that I work in a college town that happens to have a big football following. While I am all for the tailgating and the running around half naked covered in body paint, I am not all for the crazy guests that end up at our hotel. This season has been fairly tame compared to years past, but a few games ago I realized that ladies are no longer ladies when the ole pigskin gets broken out. First, let me explain our hotel's policy for special events (ie football, graduation, etc.). Every guest is mailed a contract and a confirmation. Upon receiving said documents, you need to review, sign and send them back. If they aren't returned by a specific date, your reservation is cancelled. Believe me... it sounds pretty easy to understand but you would be surprised at how many people show up thinking they have reservations when they don't. And that's exactly what happened a few weeks ago. I worked all morning and was hoping to get out of the hotel around 7pm so I could go enjoy a dinner and some drinks with my significant other (unlikely on a football weekend, but we all know I like to dream). As I was closing my shift and the evening manager arrived, I could hear a front desk clerk having some trouble with a guest that had just walked in. Hoping to be out of sight before the problem could reach me, I started moving quickly... NOT FAST ENOUGH, FOLKS! 

Desk Clerk: This lady says she has reservations here with us tonight, but it looks like they were cancelled because the contract was never received and a valid form of payment wasn't on file.

I walk out front to explain to this "lady" that she did not have reservations with us and tried to tell her why. BAD.IDEA. Before I could even finish the sentence, she starts letting the cuss words fly! 

Crazy: "THIS IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT!! I WANT TO SPEAK WITH YOUR BOSS."

Me: "Ma'am, I do apologize, but if you'll just calm down I'm sure we can figure something out. I'd be happy to call around and try to find you a room."

Unfortunately, the conversation went like that for another minute or so until I walked around the desk in the hopes that I could pull her away from other guests checking in. However, she was prepared. She started telling me that she was "GOING TO GET LOUD" and "CAUSE A FUCKING SCENE" if I didn't get her a room at our property because she did not want to get back in her car after driving for 6 hours. I told her that was pretty much IMPOSSIBLE because everyone that had rooms with us were competent and knew to send their contracts back, SIGNED. Obviously, I didn't say it like that but you get the gist and so did she. At which point she threatened to SLAP ME. She actually threatened me with physical violence. I kept stepping back, while she kept stepping forward. It made for a really awkward and uncomfortable scene in our lobby. Finally, her husband (who look MORTIFIED the whole time this was happening) got in between us and told her she needed to calm down and was "acting like a wild animal." Thank God!! Because now her sights were set on this poor man that opted to marry her... who the hell knows why!

While she was busy ripping her husband's heart out and stomping on it in our lobby, I called around and found a hotel room. I even offered to pay for it just to get her to calm down. Still wasn't good enough. You tell me, folks.... If you are being offered a FREE hotel room (valued at $269 a night + tax) versus paying for one, which option do you take?? In the end, her husband's logic and physical strength won out as he dragged her out the door with the directions I printed for him. The whole time she was telling me she'd never stay with us again and that I was lucky because if her husband wasn't there, she would have already ripped my face off. GOD BLESS THAT MAN!! 

Anyway... I made it dinner around 9pm.

....She called 1 week later to apologize to me. And to book a room. I lied and told her we were sold out.

Thank You for Not Smoking.

Nicotine Addict Gone Bad:
The hotel has been quite busy all week due to a coal mining convention/competition that's taking place in the area and when the hotel gets busy, all the crazies come out. Yesterday, I was called out of a meeting by a housekeeper and my front desk clerk. I knew it had to be important because they know better than to ever interrupt a meeting. I left the general manager and the other hotel representatives to go handle the situation, but little did I know what was about to happen. The housekeeper began by telling me there was a family staying in one of her rooms and she was pretty sure they were smoking. My desk clerk then jumps in and tells me that several of the guests staying in rooms surrounding his have been complaining of cigarette smoke and two young boys saw a man smoking the hallway. This isn't that uncommon so I went upstairs prepared to let them know we were a no smoking facility and if there was any evidence of smoking in the guest room at the end of their stay, there would be a $200 cleaning fee added to their bill. I knocked on the door and a very large, shirtless man with a bandanna wrapped around his head answered. I could tell he was intoxicated but I didn't think telling him that we were a no smoking hotel was going to set him off the way it did. He FLIPPED out. I mean, legit went CRAZY!! Before I could even finish my little nonsmoking spiel, he started shouting "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T DO?" I quickly replied with my name and that I was the AGM of the property. That did not help AT ALL. He repeatedly told me that he wasn't going to take orders from some "19 year old bitch!" and that I needed to go get my manager. He also told me that if I didn't tell him who complained about the smoke, he was going to start knocking on doors until he found out. I simply said "Sir, I can't let you start knocking on room doors, or I'll have the police escort you off of the property and you won't be welcome back." Apparently his mother was in the room and she came out in an effort to calm him down, but to no avail. He just kept yelling at me that he was a "34 year old grown man who didn't have to listen to some fucking 19 year old bitch that thinks she's a manager." 34, eh? Why the fuck are you sleeping on a pull out sofa in your mama and daddy's hotel room? Also, grown man? Why are you posted up in your PARENT'S room drunk off your ass at 1 in the afternoon in the middle of the week? This guy was completely laughable... UNTIL.. he started getting very close to me and screaming even louder. Somewhere in his rant, he told me that "AMERICA OWNS THIS FUCKING HOTEL, NOT YOU!!" Our maintenance guy and a housekeeper started coming down the hall because I guess things were starting to get very, very loud. I realized that he was a crazy person (or crazier than I had previously thought) and started to get a little scared. He had me backed up against the elevator door by the time the maintenance guy got there and was just screaming about how he didn't give a "fuck" who I was and then RIPPED MY NAME TAG OFF!! I thought he was going to hit me so I put my hands up, but thankfully that wasn't his choice of action. Nonetheless, the police were called. He was handcuffed and escorted off the property  and the officer was explaining to him how I had every right to press charges because he had physically accosted me. WOW. Maybe my scariest incident to date. Anyway, his parents were apologetic and his father told me that he didn't raise his son to act that way. It was all over.... or so I thought!!

Today, I was sitting at my desk thinking everything was going well when I see the father pull up in front of the hotel. I knew something was wrong because he was walking pretty fast and seemed angry. I got to the front and he starts demanding that I take the smoking fee off of their room bill because the company paying for the room was planning on taking it out of his paycheck. I told him that there was nothing I could do for him and that he signed the no smoking agreement on his registration card when he checked in. He FLIPS out. The apple doesn't fall from the tree, does it? He starts screaming at me just like his son did, only his son was drunk and slurring his words. Believe me, I understood the dad every single time he called me a "cunt" and a "bitch." I had to call the police again and they escorted the dad off the property and told him if he called or came back by, he would be arrested for harassment. 

REALLY? ALL OF THIS BECAUSE OF SOME CIGARETTES?! HOW HARD IS IT TO WALK OUTSIDE BEFORE YOU LIGHT UP?! 

I don't know if I'll ever stand between a drunk 6'5 man and his cigarette ever again.

Flubbed Up!

Even the best make mistakes:
I pride myself in how well I do my job and it really bothers me when someone is AWFUL at their jobs but no one ever calls them out on it. How can someone be so ok with mediocrity? Well, a lady I work with has NEVER been good at her job. The first few weeks, we chalked it up to her being new and needing to be trained, but after a 1.5 years and you STILL can't tell me what's on the breakfast bar or book a group of rooms without making a mistake, something is wrong with you. I don't know if she was just bad at her job or just didn't care because she got away with so much for so long. Most likely, it was the latter but I finally had my fill of it. I spoke with the people in charge and made it clear that I would no longer be working at the hotel because I couldn't stand being a 24 hour help desk for her and other management personnel. If they wanted to be in management then they should know how to do their jobs. In the end, they ended up firing her and giving me a raise so I am still with the hotel. That's awesome for me, right? Of course! I was on cloud nine... until... I made the BIGGEST mistake ever!! What made it even worse is that it happened RIGHT after I had someone else fired for being a moron. When the front desk or anyone working at the hotel takes a reservation, there is a "NOTES" box and a "SPECIAL REQUESTS" box for them to type comments or special requests in. If the front desk types anything in the "NOTES" box, the guest will never see it, but if they type something in the "SPECIAL REQUESTS" box, it shows up on the guest's confirmation letter. Welllllll..... I took a reservation with the most pain in the butt lady and accidentally wrote my comments about her in the "SPECIAL REQUESTS" box, which she saw on her confirmation letter. The comments were not very nice at all. It started out like this: 

"This lady is going to be a problem. I spent 35 minutes on the phone with her trying to explain the different between our rewards program and someone else's. 35 MINUTES! She didn't get it!! If she shows up with a voucher from another rewards program, DO NOT LET HER USE IT!! If she can't tell the difference, not our problem."

OH.MY.GOD. She saw that on her confirmation that I emailed her. WOW. I was 100% positive I was going to get fired. When I met with the manager, he just kept laughing but I was nearly in tears. I ended up getting a slap on the wrist and I have to take a customer relations class. Needless to say, she ended up with a free stay at the hotel AND booked another reservation for her next trip to town so at least it didn't completely scar her from ever staying at our hotel again. Not to mention, she has NO IDEA who did it so that was a relief. I have definitely learned my lesson and now we no longer write anything in the notes box other than what's absolutely necessary. WHEW!

ConGRADuations! You're a Bitch!

You're a total bitch:
Every year like clockwork that wonderful time known as graduation rolls around and I'm forced to be around hundreds of parents who think their child is the only one graduating. In reality, the University we're located near, graduates THOUSANDS of students every year, but you can't tell that to a proud mom or dad that wants you to cater to their every whim on THEIR special day. Graduation is a HUGE deal at the hotel I work for. We sell out one year in advance and it really only takes about 15-20 minutes to sell out when we finally open for booking. Contracts are sent out and all of the rooms are prepaid. Of course, the rates are sky high and some people are booking 3-4 rooms so they are literally paying thousands of dollars one year prior to their stay with us and sometimes they aren't even sure if their son or daughter is going to graduate. I understand it's stressful for the parents, but let's take their stress and multiply it by about 100 and that's where you find me. I have parents leaving me voicemails BEGGING for rooms. I even had a parent ask me if he could rent out the lobby couch. It's ridiculous. I wish I could sell everyone a room, but I just can't. Then we have the actual day they arrive. Everything has to be PERFECT. We've been renovating all year so it was super stressful making sure every little detail was done and in place by the time these crazed parents and grandparents arrived. Finally, the day came! Renovations were complete and I was like a mad woman checking behind housekeeping. I even ironed sheets for 3 hours the day before making sure everything was just so. We put little snacks in the rooms and flowers that were the university's colors... it was perfect. Or so I thought until a Mrs. Oppie (not her real name!) showed up to check in. This lady arrived around 5pm and was absolutely foul. I don't think I have ever encountered someone so terrible in my life and I hope I never have to again. This lady was just a bitch from the beginning. Let me make this known beforehand: we send out contracts, the guests sign those contracts after reviewing their room types and rates, once it is sent back we charge their credit cards for the full price. This process takes place ONE YEAR before they arrive. On the contract, there is a line dedicated to special requests. It specifically says under this line: "Special requests are just that - Requests. We will accommodate you to the best of our ability but requests are NOT guaranteed." Anyway, Mrs. Oppie arrives and right off the bat says, "I'm here to check in and let's be quick about it, ok? I don't need to hear anything about the shitty breakfast or the slow wirelss. Just give me my keys." I was absolutely DUMBFOUNDED. Everyone I had checked in was so HAPPY to be there and gushing over the newly renovated lobby and guest rooms that it took me a second to respond, which caused her to be even more hateful. "I SAID BE QUICK ABOUT IT!" Snapping back to reality, I began her check in process and reviewed her information. I said: "It's so good to have you here, Mrs. Oppie. It looks like I have two rooms here for you, each room with a King sized bed." I thought she was going to crawl across the desk and rip my face off. She starts yelling how her rooms were supposed to have 2 beds and not just 1 king. I raced to my office and came back with her SIGNED CONTRACTS and showed them to her. She had indeed booked two rooms with kings. This only infuriated her more. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I DON'T REMEMBER SIGNING THAT!" I apologized if there was some sort of miscommunication, but the contracts were binding as far as room types and there was no way for me to switch her because we were sold out and everyone else had their own contracts too, so I couldn't just give her someone else's room. She just kept screaming and dropping the F bomb so I had to finally ask her to lower her voice. She then proceeded to THROW the contracts back at my face with a quick "just give me the fucking rooms already." I made her keys and sent her about her way. Not even to the elevator, she turns around. "THESE ROOMS AREN'T ON THE SAME FLOOR!! I REQUESTED THEY BE BESIDE EACH OTHER." Again, I showed her the contracts where she had left the "special request" field blank. Instead of listening to her scream some more, I just moved some stuff around and got both of her rooms on the same floor. She was on the elevator and out of my sight at last! The phone rings 5 minutes later... room 412 flashing on the screen... her room... I thought about not answering but knew I had to. I picked up the phone and before I could even get the words "Front Desk!" out of my mouth, she says "THERE'S NO HAIRDRYER IN MY ROOM." I knew there was a hairdryer in the room but she probably couldn't see it because we put them on the closet shelf. I told her where it was and she said "NO. I LOOKED THERE DAMNIT. SEND ONE UP ALREADY." So, I call our trusty houseman and he heads upstairs with a hairdryer. About 15 minutes later he comes downstairs shaking his head. He then proceeds to tell me that there was a hairdryer in her room already and when he showed her where it was, she ripped into him like a monkey on a cupcake. He said her words were: "Why in the fucking hell did they send someone like you up here? Don't talk to me like I'm dumb you fucking retard." All he could do was apologize and just get out fast. Another incident of her slamming a door in our sales director's face and I knew I had to do something. I called her room and asked if she could please come downstairs. When she got to the desk, I made no effort to bite my tongue or be nice. I calmly told her that my staff had done nothing to deserve that sort of treatment and as much as I wanted her to be a guest in our facility, I had the right and certainly no problem to escort her out of the hotel. This obviously made her really mad but she just walked away. Her husband came in about 2 hours later and I told him she had already checked in the rooms. He then told me his wife was a "bitch" and left him and his other son back home without telling them she was leaving. Clearly, this lady had issues. We didn't hear anything else from her until breakfast when she was screaming at our breakfast guy. I walked over and she immediately sat down and pretended she wasn't doing anything. She pissed me off to no end but finally the weekend was over and she was GONE. Out of every single guest I have ever had to deal with (and that's a big number!), I think I hate her the most. Also, out of a 3 day weekend with a FULL hotel all 3 nights, she was the ONLY ONE to complain. What a horrible cunt (I don't like that word, but it's appropriate for her)!

Anyway... happy graduation to her son... the spawn of satan, herself!

Random Thoughts During First Shift

This post is dedicated to my thoughts during 1st shift. I will simply write the thought as it comes to me and not the story behind it....


Ooo... a slow morning. Only 3 checkouts?! I'm going to read allllll day and pretend like it's work.


My boyfriend got into origami for a hot minute after watching prison break. I bet he'll like today's Google. I should email him.


Barely 8 a.m. and I have to deal with fucking sex offenders.


Please don't rape me.


That guy looks like a giant balloon knot. .... Ooooh! He is a giant balloon knot. 



Really, why am I even working here? Do I even need money? I could live off of water and crumbs I find in couch cushions. I guess I would need shoes though. Damn shoes.

Don't walk over here... don't walk over here... don't walk over here... "Good Morning!"


Maybe my boyfriend's right and he is retarded.


...No, he he's just a dumbass. 


Oh.my.god. I HAD to be the one here when YOU called.


How do you get a butt like that?


If he looks at me one more time, I might fire him.


Ewww... she's really ugly when she yells. I hope I don't look like that when I'm yelling.
Ooo I like that balloon.


DON'T STARE. DON'T STARE. OMFG WHAT IS THAT THING ON HER FACE? OMGOMGOMG. IS IT CONTAGIOUS? IS IT ALIVE? OMGOMGOMGOMG. DON'T LOOK AT IT AGAIN OR SHE'LL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.


Why does he talk to me? I wish he would just catch on fire.


Only 1 checkout left. Woooohoooo. Here I come, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy.


I kind of want to cook a quiche for dinner tonight..


How does a person's voice get so nasaly? Thank God I'm not from the north.


Why am I doing all the managers' work? I hate this place.


More deliveries? How many effing couches do we need?


I love fireplaces.


You can try to sell me one but I won't buy it.... Why are you still talking? ShuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutUpppppppppppppppppp!!


I bet they have freaky sex.


Some sales director. It's already 11:12 and still not at work. That bitch.


Why won't this thing open?! I bet he's starting at my butt. Why did this have to happen on the day I wore a sun dress? Please don't be looking at my butt when I turn around. If I try to pull my dress down just a little will he know that I think he's looking at my butt? JUST OPEN ALREADY!!!


Why does the coca cola guy always sound really high? Maybe he is always really high.


I really need some new Jack Rogers. I should buy a Lilly Pulitzer dress for my birthday too. Shopping online is so easy. I love you, internet.


My dog probably needs to go pee right now. I wish I could get paid to be a stay at home dog owner. Maybe I will just become a dog walker. Let me research this. No. I don't want to be a dog walker. Wait... Yes I do. Nah.


He is so weird. He'd be cute if he wasn't SO weird.


I'm jealous of your Vera Bradley bag, hooker. That's right, keep walking on by...


Going on 1:30 and still no sales director. Lazy. What a fucking waste of money she is.


I've got hungryyyyyy eyes!


Just open your web browser and enter your room number. I've said it 6 fucking times. My answer isn't going to change no matter how many times you ask, old man.


Jeebus! Do we really have to fire her tooodaayy?! I just want to read my book and go home at 3:00! 


God. I hate firing people. She is really annoying though. Eww, she's like drooling on herself. 


Begging for your job back is not the way to go.


6 more minutes....
5 more minutes...
4 more minutes...


Why does time move so slow when you stare at the clock??


1 more minute...


Where the hell is 2nd shift??


THAT WAS THE DOOR!! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Mother Doesn't Know Best

Your mom is a bitch:
I was working the desk this past weekend and there were several high school swim teams staying for 3 days due to a big championship swim meet. Having high school athletes stay at the hotel means most of their parents will be staying with us as well. High school students are pretty annoying because they tend to run all over the hotel and play pranks on each other, but the only thing more annoying than that is the parent of a high school student. During my shift, I must have had about 10 different parents ask me if they could use the meeting room. The only problem with that is the first parent that asked me got approval for her team to use it. This was NOT OK for the next 9 parents. "Why are you showing favoritism to that team?" "How come they get to use it and we can't?" Chill out, people. If you would have asked me first, you would have gotten to use it. It's not that I like that team better than your's. I don't even follow swimming for Pete's sake. The only swimmer I know of is Michael Phelps and I don't even really care about him. So, if I don't care about an Olympic swimmer that won a gazillion gold medals, I surely don't give a rat's ass about your brace faced, squirrelly little hooligan and his swim team. It was never ending. First it was the meeting room and then it was "Why does Susan's room have a table in it and mine doesn't?" We have two types of rooms with double beds and one is slightly larger and has a small square table with 4 chairs around it. We only had 4 rooms like this available for the weekend and we had about 30 of the doubles without the table. I'm sorry that I couldn't get you into a room with a fucking table and 4 chairs, but you know what? Every single person that complained to me about not having a table and actually got switched to one with a table, ended up eating dinner in the lobby every single night. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU YELL AT ME ABOUT WANTING A TABLE IF YOU WERE GOING TO EAT DOWN HERE ANYWAY?! People are so petty. So once everyone accepted the fact that I couldn't just snap my fingers and magically make tables and extra meeting rooms appear, it was all peace and quiet. AAHHH WRONG! I got a phone call Saturday evening from a mom who was staying in the hotel and she said "I need you to ring room 318 so I can make sure my daughter will be ready by the time I arrive." I happily transferred her to the room and didn't think anything of it. Well, she called back 5 minutes later and asked me to ring it again because her daughter didn't answer the first time. This went on for the next 20 minutes and I must have transferred the call to her room about 15 times. Finally, I told her it didn't seem as though anyone was answering and maybe her daughter was at the pool. I put her on hold while I checked the pool and found no one. She then asked to be transferred to another room that her daughter's friend was staying in. No answer in that room either. She decided to give up for the time being and hung up. About 30 minutes later she called back and said she was on her way to the hotel and I needed to find her daughter. She was yelling this at me, by the way, which pissed me off to no end. I am not your fucking babysitter. I am the hotel desk clerk. If you want to leave your 14 year old daughter alone in a hotel, you are solely responsible for whatever happens to her. Anyway, I grabbed the cordless phone and told her I'd run up to the room and knock. She told me if I got no answer after knocking, I had permission to go in. When I got to the room, I banged as loud as I could for about 5 minutes. After no response, I opened the door and saw what looked like a person in the bed. I walked over to the bed and the girl was asleep. I lightly shook her and scared the living shit out of her by doing so. When she opened her eyes and saw me, a complete stranger, shaking her she must have thought I was surely a murderer. I explained to her that her mother had been frantically calling the hotel trying to make sure she was ok. About that time, the door flew open and this lady came running in and grabbed the girl. She was hugging her and asking why she didn't answer the phone, so I just started to walk to the door and make my exit. All of a sudden the mother of this girl says, "YOU STOP RIGHT THERE." I turned around and said "Excuse me. Did you need anything else?" Her response, "YES, ACTUALLY!!!! I need you to know that this is the hotel's fault and you should be glad my daughter was ok and still in the room because if anything had happened to her, you'd have a lawsuit on your hands." I was SPEECHLESS. How the fuck is it my fault your daughter fell asleep and didn't answer the phone?!?! I just looked stunned for a moment and she continued with: "The phone in this room probably isn't working and that's why she didn't hear it?!?! MY DAUGHTER WOULD NEVER PUT ME THROUGH THIS. IT HAS TO BE THE PHONE!" Thank God I grabbed the cordless before leaving the desk. I very politely said "I do apologize if the phone is broken. Just a moment and I'll test it out." I dialed 7+318 and... RIIIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING. Take that bitch. The phone was as loud as it could be. She just stared at it and then looked at her daughter. Instead of apologizing to me for threatening a lawsuit and blaming me for her daughter's nap, she just started yelling at the girl. "HOW COULD YOU SLEEP THROUGH THAT? YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET A SWIM SCHOLARSHIP LIKE THIS, MADDIE!" What a bitch. I went back to my desk feeling so bad for that little girl. They exited through the lobby about 10 minutes later and you could tell the daughter had been crying and the mom didn't even look my way. I want my kids to be successful in whatever they do, but I will NEVER treat people that way to make it happen.

You Catch More Bees with Honey, Honey...

Being kind to unkind people:
Someone once told me that you should always be kind to unkind people because they probably need it the most. Well, I call bullshit. The biggest assholes I deal with on a daily basis are rich, arrogant pricks that think they should be treated like the only guests in the whole place. I've had people take my head off for being on the phone when they walk up to desk. Because, you know, I'm supposed to be fucking psychic and know you're walking up to the desk at the exact moment someone calls. I don't know when the human race became so entitled but I pray on a daily basis that I never treat a person the way I'm sometimes treated. The worst part of my job is that I can't just go psycho and tell all the dicks that come in that they're... well... dicks!! I had a cunt (I don't like that word) "lady" once call to make a reservation and I was going through the motions... date of arrival, how many nights, last name, address, credit card... and I asked her to repeat the last 4 digits of her card because the phone made a crackling noise. Heaven forbid this crazy hag had to say 4 fucking numbers one more time. She went off and asked if our hotel was one of those "equal opportunity places that hired retards" and if i was "stupid or something?" I just replied "I apologize ma'am, I couldn't quite hear the last few digits." I mean, people say stuff like this to me all the time and where the hell do they get off treating people like a piece of shit that got stuck to the bottom of their shoe?! It doesn't matter if they're standing in front of me, on the phone or in an email... they're just hateful! If I was out at a restaurant and someone asked me to repeat my order because it was a little hard to hear me, I wouldn't throw my drink in her face and ask if she was fucking retarded, now would I? No normal human being would!! Or maybe being raised in the south was my saving grace because (not to offend) but about 90% of the rude people I encounter on a daily basis are from above WAY ABOVE the Mason Dixon line. I get a few obnoxious southerners sometimes, but it's not nearly on the same level. Here's the thing, I and the rest of the hotel employees, sometimes make mistakes. I get that. If we make a mistake, I go out of my way to fix. If you're a dick, I'm taking 10% off and calling it a night. I'm not bending over backwards for someone who is going to stand in my face and verbally abuse me to make themselves feel so high and mighty. Guess what! If you are nice to the hotel desk clerk or the manager, there's a good chance we'll "accidentally" upgrade your room at no extra cost. We might even throw in a few free snacks from the market or sometimes, for my really great guests, I'll slip them a comped stay their next time in town. If you're calling me the B word and pounding on the counter until you're blue in the face... there is no way in hell I'm giving you any of those perks. I'm a person. Just because I happen to be working at the hotel you're checking into and just because you're paying $130 a night doesn't mean you can treat me like anything less than a person. It would do some people in this world a little good to remember the golden rule:

TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WISH TO BE TREATED.

or perhaps....

Killer Smells

Parenting at it's finest:
As I'm sure you may remember from previous posts, the hotel I work at is a smoke free facility. And as you may remember from those posts, people do break the rules and smoke in their rooms, completely disregarding the no smoking signs posted everywhere. We do the best we can to get rid of the smoky smell when someone decides to be an ass-hat and break the rules but sometimes it just lingers. Recently, someone smoked in a room and we did charge them the $250 fine that goes along with being an inconsiderate jackass but we were having such a hard time getting the horrible stench out. We used the ionizer, opened windows, sprays, etc. and nothing was working. We left the room out of service for a few days hoping the ionizer would do the trick, but you could still sort of smell it. We finally had to put the room back in service and hope for the best. Being a nonsmoker, it was very noticeable to me but a lot of the employees that smoked, couldn't really tell there was a smell, so I figured I would try to put a smoker in the room as opposed to a nonsmoker. Of course, this was super tricky because it meant I had to be extra observant when guests came in and look for any sign of cigarettes, lighter, matches, etc. Finally, a lady came in with her son and she had a cigarette case in her hand. I hit the jackpot and it was going to be OK... or as it goes with my luck, the worst mistake ever. The lady came back down to the desk and complained of the smoky smell. Alright, so my plan didn't work. Not only did she complain about the smell but she starts in on "I thought this was a no smoking hotel!!" I point out that we are nonsmoking but sometimes guests don't care and smoke anyway. She looked annoyed by my answer like there was no way people would actually smoke in a nonsmoking hotel! But what else was I supposed to say? She's a grown ass woman... she has to know that there are people out there that lie, cheat, steal and what have you. It's not like I was breaking her faith in the human race at the innocent age of 40-something. Anyway, she proceeded to tell me that her son has asthma and it's really harmful for him to be around cigarette smoke. I apologized for the inconvenience and offered to move her to a new room. She went on a rant about how they had already unpacked and she didn't feel like moving. Ok, first: there's no way you unpacked all the shit you brought in 2 minutes because that's how long it took you to come back downstairs from the room. Second: even if you were completely unpacked, your son's health condition might be worth you repacking and moving to a new room, you fucking moron. Don't come get in my face and go on and on about your room being potentially harmful to your son and then not want to get the EFF out of it! I had this woman figured out though -- she didn't want to move, she just wanted a discount. A discount that she wasn't going to get from me as long as I had a perfectly good room to put her in that wasn't a death threat to her asthmatic child. She continued to complain, asked for the manager, told her it was me and she finally took the upgraded new room. The next day as I was sitting at home enjoying a glass of sweet tea, I get a text message from one of my front desk employees: "You know that lady you had to move out of the smoky room? Well, she's loading up her car and smoking a cigarette right beside her son." ..... And this is why I hate people.

Please Pay Attention

Annoyed:
There are several things that cause me to get irritated with guests but the biggest one is when a guest doesn't listen. During check in, I explain EVERYTHING. Literally. I explain breakfast hours, wifi, pool, fitness center, that your room number is on your key flap and I even explain that putting your room keys next to your cell phone or credit cards may cause them to become demagnetized. You would think people would want to hear this stuff, but clearly no. I can't tell you how many people I check in every single day that will come back to the desk and ask me to explain everything all over again. They even get mad at me and act like I should have told them these things already... well, guess what! I did tell you that breakfast is from 6am-10am, asshole Mr. Smith. PAY ATTENTION. This guy comes in last night and I give him the WHOLE spiel. Not even 5 minutes later he comes back down and says "I don't know what's wrong but my key card won't work." Oh, really? Didn't I tell you not to put them next to your cell phones or credit cards? Because it looks like you're hold it right next to your fucking blackberry!! I apologize, remake his keys and give him the warning that they can be demagnetized by phones and credit cards. His response? "Oh, so this is my fault now?" I kind of wanted to say "yes, jackass, it is." Instead I assured him it wasn't his fault at all and that this sort of thing happens all the time. He went about his way. I see the same guy downstairs this morning and it's about 10:45am so breakfast is over. I wasn't working the desk so I knew I wouldn't have to deal with him... thank God. He walks over to the desk clerk on duty and says "What time is breakfast?" She politely tells him and apologizes that he missed it but offers him a muffin or some fruit. He gets livid. "You know what? This really pisses me off. When I checked in last night, the girl at the desk didn't tell me ANYTHING about breakfast or pool hours so I missed my swim last night as well. Don't get me started on the fact that she blamed me for my keys not working. I demand to speak with your manager!" Welllllp, looks like I was going to be dealing with him after all. When I came around the corner, he looked speechless. I asked him what the problem was and he just got red in the face and started telling me the same thing he told the desk clerk. He knew he was lying and so did I so I'm not sure why he didn't just walk away but he continued through his lie and when he stopped I just stood there. I could go about this two ways... I could just pretend what he said was true and give him the discount or I could call him out on his shit. I decided I'd had enough of people walking stomping all over me so I chose the latter. I explained to him that I was the young lady lady who checked him in and that I did, indeed, explain all of these things to him, but he seemed to be busy checking his phone and might not have heard everything (or anything at all for that matter). I also reminded him that I apologized for the key mishap and assured him that it wasn't his fault so as for "BLAMING him" --- I did not. Once my explanation of the situation was over, he knew he had lost. I did not give him the discount or apologize for his lack of attention, but I did get him that muffin and fruit from the kitchen. Let this be a lesson to all of you checking into hotels....

PAY ATTENTION.

Problem Guest

Out of sync:
The hotel has been pretty hectic as of lately, simply because they're renovating the entire facility AND staying open to the public. On top of trying to make sure guests are happy during the construction (no complaints so far!), we are juggling a lot of overbooking. We obviously weren't overbooked at the time the reservations were made but due to unforeseen circumstances stupidity on the sales director's part, we have had to switch a lot of doubles to kings (every guy wants to snuggle his BFF, don't lie) and walk group bookings to other local hotels. In all this chaos, we had ONE night that I was looking forward to working because it was a Sunday and it was expected to be slow. What the hell was I thinking? A slow night just means I'm more available for the 3 guests I check in to complain to. Anyway, my first few check ins went smoothly and everyone was happy. I was in the home stretch with just 2 check ins left. In the middle of watching a Criminal Minds episode, I heard her. I didn't know it yet, but she would quickly become my most loved LOATHED guest. During the whole check in process she referred to me as "babe," "hon," or "dudette." Yes, that last one was dudette and yes, I was as annoyed hearing it as you are reading it. I explained all of the amenities we offer, the breakfast times and the wifi code. All of which she asked me about immediately after I  handed her her keys. How about instead of rummaging through your purse while I'm talk to you, pay attention! Anyway, I repeated myself and sent her off to her room... on the first floor. As soon as she opened the key flap and headed down the hall, she turned around and made a B line for the desk. "Sorry, babe, I can't be on the first floor. It's not like I'm 90." I happily gave her a room on the second floor. A few minutes later, she's back again. "Sorry, hon, but I can't be on the end of the hall. Too far away from the elevators! Oh and just so you know, babe, I can't be right beside them either." I found her a room perfectly in between the elevators and the end of the hall. Was that the end? NOOOO. She calls down to let me know there is a problem with the cable. Seeing as how I had been watching Criminal Minds, I wasn't sure what she was talking about and she proceeded to let me know that the mouths of the people on the television weren't synced with what they were saying. I flipped through several channels and it was only happening on the ONE channel she wanted to watch. I called the cable company and they told me it was a broadcasting issue, not a cable issue. I repeated this to her and ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. She DEMANDED that I move her to another room, which I did, and that if the TV didn't work in the new room (I knew the same thing would be happening because it was happening on all of the TVs) that she was going to be a difficult guest. Oh, as opposed to the pleasant one you've been since you arrived, you horrible bitch? In the new room, the same problem was occurring so we contacted the cable company again. They told her the same thing they told me and she started screaming at me that the cable company we use was insane. "I'M IN TELEVISION SO I KNOW THEY'RE BULLSHITTING. I MEAN, THIS IS OSCAR SUNDAY AND I'M FROM L.A. AND OSCAR SUNDAY IS LIKE A NATIONAL HOLIDAY TO ME. IF THIS ISN'T FIXED BY THE TIME THE OSCARS ARE ON, I'M GOING TO FLIP MY SHIT." Hmm... I believe that ship has sailed.

When the Oscars came on, it still wasn't fixed but finally synced up when they went live. This did not matter to her. Every time she came through the lobby to smoke, she reminded me that she shouldn't have come on such a stupid trip to this "little hick town" on Oscar Sunday. Apparently, the glamour of the Oscars had been ruined for her and that it was a big deal because SHE WAS FROM L.A. Y'ALL and she did not let me forget it ALL NIGHT LONG. Let me say it again... SHE WAS FROM LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. Certainly not from the pretty party because it looked like she might have eaten a few models. Ten minutes before my shift ended, she came down to let me know that she was going to be speaking with the manager before she checked out. I just smiled and nodded because I knew all of the managers would be off the next day and she'd be back on a plane to the wonderful world of LA and all it's Oscar glory. If she wasn't flying on public airlines and if I was really hateful, I might have wished on the brightest star that her plane would crash in some deserted little hick town with NO TV between here and California.

Drugs are Bad... Mmmkay

Crack is Wack:
So, honestly, this post is not very funny and at the time, it was completely scary. I was working the evening shift when this guy came in and asked me for a room and, of course, i was more than happy to give him one. Once I started the check in process, he took off his sunglasses and revealed two massive black eyes and a giant gash in between them. I just continued checking him in without saying too much and after a few minutes another rough looking redneck guy walked in and joined him. Now, this other guy was adamant about paying cash and I told him if they paid in cash, I would have to make a copy of his ID. He was really upset by this but, obviously, gave in because he needed the room. Then I made the mistake of asking "what brings you gentlemen to town?" Ok, the guy with the busted up eyes just said they were visiting but the other man was like "oh, I actually live here but I want to party. Is there any way you can send some girls up?" I just smiled and gave them their keys but then he said "I'm serious. What about you? What time do you get off?" BAHAHAHAHA. As if I would ever in a million years clock out and go to some room with two big ass redneck guys I don't know, one of which looks like he just got the shit beat out of him. Anyway, I finally got rid of them and went about my work. The next morning I came in bright and early and saw these girls in the lobby piling up food from the breakfast bar on several different plates. I asked the night auditor what their deal was because they looked straight up CRACKED OUT. They were both "crack skinny" and one girl was twitching and could hardly walk right. The night auditor told me they were staying in the room with the two men I checked in and that there were several complaints about screaming in the hallway and them throwing food at each other. She also told me that there were several girls coming in and out going to that same room and that she was pretty sure they were prostitutes or crack whores. Alrightttyyy.. so now I knew that come check out time, I was probably going to have a problem. However, they checked out on time and left the room in pretty good shape, so whatever. They were gone and that was the end of it. Right? WROOONGGG. The two guys came back later that day and wanted a room again. Apparently they were still "painting his house." I wasn't there when they came back so I had no knowledge of them checking back in or anything until I got back to work the next night and shit hit the fan. I was working the evening shift and apparently this time they reserved the room for multiple nights, not just one so I had front row seats to their shenanigans. I saw several cracked out girls coming in and out and said nothing because guests are allowed to have visitors... what could I do? Finally, a guest called down with a noise complaint on the second floor. I went up to the second floor and lo and behold, it was coming from the "bad" room. I knocked on the door and immediately regretted coming upstairs by myself. They opened it and I asked them to please keep it down to which one of the crack hos responded "Go fuck yourself, white girl." One of the guys then pushed her and said "Sorry, we'll keep it down." I fucking RAN back downstairs and called the general manager and asked him to please come in because I could tell they were going to be a problem and I didn't want to be myself. He told me he'd get there as soon as he could but I knew it would be at least an hour because he lives pretty far away. Not even 10 minutes later, one of the girls came RUNNING off the elevator and threw a $20 bill at me. She started screaming "GIVE IT BACK TO ME, BUT MAKE SURE HE SEES YOU GIVE IT TO ME. MAKE SURE HE CAN SEE YOU." Ok, this bitch was so cracked out, her eyes were like glazed over and she was trying to look at me but her eyes just kept twitching and rolling around. Anyway, I handed the money back when he came around the corner and she just took off running around the lobby. Then I realized a minute later that he was chasing her! She was trying to block him with tables but her drug ridden brain was causing her to trip up every few steps. I just called the cops. I mean, I certainly wasn't going to be able to stop him if he did catch her and I absolutely was NOT getting in the middle. The police showed up a few minutes later and got the situation under control. I told them that everyone in the room needed to vacate and that they were no longer allowed on the property. The whole time, both of the redneck guys are screaming "those bitches stole my drugs and my money!!" The police inspected the room and found cocaine and pills. There was also a note on the desk that read:

"I, Tara, promise to never steal or snort Greg's cocaine or meth ever again."

Luckily, we just had a new security system installed so everything that happened in the hallways and lobby was caught on tape. Also, it took the police almost 1 minute exactly to get there so that makes me feel a little safer when I work the evening shift. The general manager also came in and relieved me from filling out all the paperwork so I could get the hell out of there. A lot of stuff that happens at the hotel is pretty funny but this was straight up scary. I don't know what I would have done if things had gotten out of control because those people were all ready to do whatever it took for money and/or drugs.


MORAL OF THIS POST: CRACK IS WACK AND SAY NO TO DRUGS.

Is This a Joke?

Mad skills, yo:

Working at a hotel that's located in a college town, I get several applications a day for students looking for part time work or even some townies that need full time jobs. I never really look at any of them until I need to hire someone. It just so happens that I am currently hiring and had to pull out the applications and resumes that I have stored in a dusty old file cabinet. After reading some of them, I wanted to rip my hair out. The job I'm hiring for is a front desk position at a hotel so you really just need to be friendly, work well with the public and be slightly knowledgeable about computers. Everyone that comes on is trained, so you don't even need hotel experience! Most of the applications were ok until we get to the part that says: "Please list any skills or certifications you have that will make you a beneficial part of our team." You would not BELIEVE what some people wrote under this section. Let me start from application # 1.

SKILLS AND CERTIFICATIONS THAT QUALIFY PEOPLE TO WORK AT A HOTEL:

 "Animal handling and milking cows."  <--- What.the.fuck. Yes, this will come in handy with all those cows we milk and animals we handle here in this pet free hotel. 

"I am a very accomplished meditator." <--- No words.

"I really enjoy the outdoors and I was an occasional hiker until I broke my leg." <--- Good thing you'll be working indoors with people and STANDING ALL DAY!!

"Friendly." <--- I guess that's a skill?

"Strong work ethic, Attention to details, Self-motivated, Strong work ethic." <--- Kind of cancels out your attention to details, huh?

"I type without looking at the keyboard so I never have to take my eyes off of the guest." <--- Hahahaha What in the world?! Really?!

"I am a certified yoga and Kama Sutra instructor." <--- Oookk...

"I am only used to typewriters, but I'm sure I will be able to catch onto the computer system quickly because I am a fast learner." <--- If you were a fast learner, then why the hell are you still using a type writer? And to be clear, this person was only 27.

Honestly, that's not even close to half of them. There were so many ridiculous responses on the skill section, I couldn't bear to read anymore. I mean, what in the world were some of those people thinking?? I could NEVER see myself putting anything like that on my resume or an application. I really hope they find work, because I'm sure as hell not about to hire someone that lists meditation or milking cows as a skill for working in a hotel. I'll try to post some more funny ones when I can bring myself to sort through them some more!!