Crazy Old People

Inappropriate granny:
Look, I love elderly people as much as the next person. Betty White is probably one of my favorite people on tv but after this weekend, I don't want to be around old people again until I'm one of them. The hotel was swarmed with, literally, hundreds of grandmas and grandpas due to a bird watching club and 50s decade reunion group. The reunion was for people that graduated high school in the 40s-50s so when I say old, I mean just that. These people were ancient. Can you imagine how frustrating it is to explain to an 80 something year old that their room number is their wifi code? I was constantly repeating myself, running up to rooms to show them how to operate the televisions and the remote, showing them how to use the guest computer to print stuff and even explaining to them they only had to hit 0 to dial the front desk. It was a nightmare. Finally, I had most of them checked in and doing just fine with their phones and televisions. One little old lady walked in and gave me the most refreshing perspective on old age. She walked up to the desk wearing a conductor's cap covered in sequins and glitter, cat  framed eye glasses, and a leather jacket. She looked like a granny right out of a biker gang, honestly, and she looked epic. I knew right away this was the kind of old lady I'd want to be. She made all kinds of inappropriate jokes while I checked her in and before she walked to her room, she turned and said "If you see a hunky 70-80 year old man who doesn't already have an old biddy on his arm, why don't ya check him into my room and give me a ringading so I can get down to my skivvies before he walks in, eh?" I laughed, obviously, and humored her with a "I'll see what I can do." About an hour later she walked through the lobby and made an inappropriate comment regarding the perkiness of my "bosom" and how she might be able to get her's that perky with some duct tape. Seriously, I loved this woman. She was the most fun and the liveliest out of all the old women there. It gave me hope that, I too, can be a cool old lady one day. 

Bird watchers unite:
The oddest group of elderly people staying at the hotel was the bird watching club. Seriously, they stood around in the lobby with their weird hats with flaps, fanny packs and binoculars FOREVER talking to me about guineas, guinea eggs, red birds, blue birds, fucking dodo birds... It went on and on and on. I was pretending to be interested, obviously, because they're guests, but I guess was pretending too well because then they started to talk to me about attracting a younger crowd to become members. They were asking me if I would be interested in joining or if I had any friends that might want to. What else could I do except take their brochures and say "I'll think about it, for sure?" It's not like I could tell them I would rather be stuck in an igloo during a blizzard with only the creepy houseman to keep me warm, than be caught dead wearing a fanny pack while having binoculars glued to my face in the hopes of finding some rare turkey breed. Seriously? When they all stopped congregating around the desk, this little old lady amongst them came up and asked me if she could "pop up to the roof" and see if she could get any good sights of birds from up there. HELL NO, GRANNY! We can't just let elderly women climb up to the roof to bird watch?! First, I need this job and secondly, I don't want the death of someone's grandma on my conscious when I go to bed at night. I happen to enjoy my dreams of rainbows and butterflies dancing on clouds. She was super pissed that I wouldn't let her go up there even after I told her it was a liability for the hotel and we weren't allowed to let guests or unauthorized people have access to the rooftop. The bird watching club finally left and I was forever haunted with the thoughts that when I get old and have nothing left to do, I might become one of those nut job bird enthusiasts just to pass the days away. Please God, don't ever let my life become that boring.  

Mutants on the Prowl

Lurker:
Oh.my.God. Today was probably the most uncomfortable I have ever felt at work. During breakfast hours, I noticed this really ugly, mutant freak staring at me. Now, normally I would never say such mean things about a person, but wow. This guy totally creeped me out. He did not ONE time look away from me. I would busy myself and look up and there he was, staring away. I could feel my entire body tensing up because it was making me so uncomfortable, but I ignored it as much as I could and finally I glanced up and he was gone. Or was he?! No!! He had sidled up to the desk without making any noise and scared the shit out of me. I actually jumped and made a small shrieking noise but managed to pull of an awkward smile and ask him if he needed help with anything. He just stood there with this smirk on his face like he had just murdered someone and gotten away with it. After a solid minute (it's a long time if you're standing in silence with an axe murder who is eye raping the shit out of you), he started telling me he was in town for work. The whole time I was thinking how incredibly terrifying this man was and that I did not give a fuck why he was in town. He wasn't terrifying in the sense that he was a giant man that looked mean because he was actually kind of short. He was a little pudgy, bald and wore glasses but his face was BUSTED and his teeth didn't even look they could be human teeth. Maybe a weird fishy, serpent's teeth, but not a human's. I'm pretty sure he was an inspiration for an X-Files episode because GOD DAMN! Wait for it, people, wait for it. Apparently he had been watching me ALL WEEK. I almost died. He said "I saw you were wearing a button down shirt on Monday and Tuesday and a t-shirt today and yesterday." My heart fell to my toes. How could I have missed a mutant such as this staring at me all week?! I explained that I wore a t-shirt on Wednesday because I spilled coffee all over myself and made a joke about being clumsy and then asked him one more time if everything was ok or if he needed help. He just laughed and replied with, "Yeah, I think I saw you trip in the hall on Tuesday." WHAT.THE.FUCK. Apparently, I have the ugliest stalker in the whole world and he lurks around so as not to make his presence known. I was so weirded out, I just pretended I was getting a call so he would stop talking to me. Unfortunately, he stood at the desk until I hung up on my fake caller. When I started to go in the back room and pretend to be making copies, he said it. He said the creepiest thing a stranger has ever said to me. "I notice you wear a sports bra with your t-shirts but a regular bra with your button downs." ALERT.ALERT.CODE FUCKING RED. I just stared at him and I know if I didn't already look nervous and uncomfortable, I definitely did then. I wanted that freak to crawl back into water ooze he crawled out of. He just kept staring and smirking and finally walked away after 5 minutes of me not saying one word and shuffling through papers like I was looking for something. After he left, I spent the entire rest of my day checking around corners, watching the camera like a fucking cop on a stakeout and constantly looking over my shoulder. I even made sure I didn't go in the stairwell alone just in case he happened to pop up. I saw him when I was helping one of the janitors clean up some coffee and completely ignored the fact that he even existed. I could just feel him staring at me though. When I went back to the desk, he lurked around the corner again and did his uncomfortable eye raping/smirking combination until I was forced to ask if he needed anything. He said no and just kept standing there. It was like the morning all over again!! When he decided he had made me fidget enough, he said "We're all going to this little cafe downtown if you want to come when you get off." HELL NO, UNCLE FESTER. I declined in the politest way I could because I would have gotten fired if I told him I didn't go on dates that ended with me being found in a ditch a week later after being tortured to death in his basement. I know this post is a little vulgar but I cannot put into words how incredibly nervous and uncomfortable this guy made me. If this was a Criminal Minds episode, he would be the creepiest, weirdest unsub ever. Anyway, the lurker finally left and I haven't seen him anymore but I just know he'll pop up when I least expect it.... and I'll be waiting... with mace.

Wally Z., Father Earth

Hippy in a suit:
A few days ago, I met the most interesting guest since I've been working here. Now, when I say interesting, I don't mean the funniest, smartest or weirdest... I just mean he was, well, interesting. He was an older man wearing denim bell bottoms that were dyed red at the shins, a t-shirt that looked like it might have been made out of paper, a red bandana with yellow flowers tied around his neck and a knitted shawl that was so big it nearly consumed him. The oddest part about his wardrobe was the fact that he wore a name tag reading: "Wally Z., Father Earth." Now, I tried not to judge but the only thing going through my head was "old hippy that never let the dream die." When he walked over to the desk, he was very polite and said he just had a few questions. He fired off question 1, "Where's the pool?" Obviously, I pointed him toward the pool. Then he said, "I forgot my suit." I assumed he meant his swimsuit since he had just asked me where the pool was but when I started telling him that Wal Mart or Target would probably have men's swimsuits, he just shook his head and responded, "I'm here for a wedding and I left my luggage back at home, including my suit. Where might one purchase a suit?" I was a little surprised that such a strange man in such a strange hippy outfit would be caught dead in a suit but I started rattling off mens' stores in the area, when he abruptly stopped me. "No ma'am. I don't shop at department stores. I would like to purchase my suit from the Salvation Army or a Good Will." Ok.. I'm not hating on him for shopping at the Good Will. Hell, I bought stuff from there last weekend, but don't come and ask me where to buy a men's suit for a wedding and then act surprised when Good Will isn't my first suggestion. I gave him the directions to a few thrift stores and then answered a few odd questions for him, including the location of a local church. It was a Catholic church so I asked if he'd like me to give him the mass schedule as well and he replied, "No. I don't actually worship or believe in such things. I just like to go and watch the people." Umm.. that's a little creepy but ok. After I answered all of his questions, I expected him to go away but he just stood at the desk rambling on and on about so many things. It was quite entertaining to listen to him talk about why the fucking sky is blue and all that but I was really busy. Finally, he took the hint and left. After everything had died down, he came back and started chatting me up again. He had a pleasant speaking voice but I had no clue what half of the things he said to me meant or even what he was talking about sometimes. He talked about coyotes, mulch, sour gummy worms, and I'm pretty sure he even gave me a brief analysis of why corporate Amercia is ruining lives and destroying Mother Earth. I wanted to ask about his name tag when he was talking about Mother Earth (his wife?) but I never got the chance. He also just kept thanking me repeatedly for such a lovely breakfast and telling me what a good job I did. I had to keep reminding him that I don't actually cook or put the breakfast out, but I'd certainly let the kitchen staff know how much he enjoyed it. After talking to Wally for a while, I figured out that he didn't actually have a hotel room but was squatting on the sleeper sofa in someone else's room after they refused to let him wander around aimlessly or sleep outside all night. Finally, Father Earth took off towards the thrift stores in hopes to purchase a new suit. I was quite sure he wouldn't find a suit but maybe a sports coat and collared shirt. Several hours later, right before switching shifts, Wally Z walked in with 3 or 4 bags in his hand. He sprinted up to the desk, ignoring all the other guests I was trying to help and just starts pulling clothes out and putting them on the counter. He was so freakin' excited too and just kept saying "Look how much you've helped me!! I got an entire suit, socks, tie, belt and shoes all for $17! THANK YOU!!" First, I wasn't sure why he was thanking me. I only gave him directions. It's not like I made the suit or bought it for him, but I just kept smiling and telling him how nice it all looked because the other guests looked so fucking startled by this oddball. He was even holding the tie and shirt up to himself to show me how well everything matched. "I got a red tie so I could have a little flash and I've never been a flashy guy! I don't know what's gotten into me!" At this point, it was clear that he hadn't been around people or in society for some time now. He was finally the guy wearing a suit, staying at a hotel and having lunch with friends - something I was quite sure he had never done or at least hadn't done in a really long time. I had to laugh and was actually happy for him because God knows, it would take a lot more than $17 worth of clothes and a free hotel breakfast to make most people happy. When I finally got him to stop scaring the other guests, he asked if he could hug me. I was a little reluctant because it's super weird to hug a guest, but he just seemed so happy with me (still not sure why) and he just kept insisting. So, folks, I hugged Wally Z., Father Earth. There are so many things I don't know and probably will never know. Like, whose wedding was he going to and how did he get invited? I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a permanent address and probably lives in a brush shelter like Cody Lundin did. Also, why did he wear a name tag and call himself Father Earth? So many mysteries that came with Wally, but I do know I will never, ever forget him and I'll be continuously hoping for another encounter with him one day. What a good day that will be!

Breakfast Grinch

The woman who loved sausages:

Each day I am amazed at how excited people are over free hotel breakfast, but today I think the bar was finally set. I was just minding my own business, doing some paperwork when I looked up to find a woman with her 2 children making several plates of food. This is not unusual. There were 3 of them and maybe 4-5 plates so I just kept going about whatever I was doing. They all went upstairs and I thought nothing else of it until not even 5 minutes later, they were all back making more plates. I started to get curious because the little boy was making waffles as fast as he could and the mom was just taking any food she could as fast as our kitchen guy could put it out. Finally, she screamed across the lobby at me to let me know that we were out of biscuits. No shit! All the biscuits are on one of your 10 plates, lady! Whatever. I explained that the cook was going as fast as he could and it'd just be a few minutes. Then she screamed across the lobby that we were out of sausages. I repeated that it would take just a few minutes. When he brought the biscuits and sausages out, she dumped them all on her plate!!! WHAT! Okok! Sure, we're slow, but Christ almighty! I wanted to tell her she wasn't the only guest in the hotel and that she was being a bit hoggish but we all know that would result in me getting fired. She went back upstairs with her little breakfast minions, carrying at least 4 plates each and I know the little boy made exactly 5 waffles. Whatever, it was over... or so I thought! She came back down with just her daughter this time, who went straight to the waffle station. I was in awe. I mean, really? How much food can three people eat and even if she did have a few other people in the room, it was still enough to cause anyone to drop dead of a heart attack. There was nothing I could say or do other than stare in amazement at how fast they were cleaning the breakfast bar out of pretty much everything. Then came the drama. Breakfast closes at 9:30 and when she got downstairs for her last raiding session, it was 9:43 and the kitchen employees had already started cleaning and putting things away. Out of nowhere this lady is in my face SCREAMING. Straight up hollering like a crazy banshee. Quote: "CAN YOU PLEASE TELL HIM TO PUT OUT MORE SAUSAGES?! THIS THANG IS SUPPOSE TO RUN 'TIL 10:30 AND I AM CONSTANTLY BEGGIN' YOU TO PUT MORE FOOD OUT. MY FAMILY IS HONGRY!" I calmly explained that breakfast only runs until 10:30 on the weekends but that she was more than welcome to help herself to the fruit, muffins, bagels, cereal or anything that was still on the bar. Also, waffles because her daughter was still hard at work making a few. She was, needless to say, unhappy with my response and started demanding a manager. Since the manager was gone, I decided to just give her what she wanted so I called the kitchen and told them to make one more batch of sausages and then to close everything down. They made an entire package of sausage (12 links) and as soon as they put it out, she picked up the wax paper it's placed on and dumped all of them onto her plate then stormed away. WOW!! I was just in shock that someone would actually behave like that over fucking frozen sausage links served at a hotel breakfast. 

It was over but I was still curious how many people she was actually feeding with all that food so I patiently waited hoping they would check out and I could see everyone for myself. A few hours later, they appeared! It was her and the 2 kids, and something I did not expect. A man stepped out of the elevator and I swear to God I thought it was Rubius Hagrid. He was effing HUGE. It all made sense. This guy could have eaten at least 10 of me and then some. I felt bad for judging her before seeing this sasquatch but I'm pretty anyone that witnessed what I witnessed would have judged too!