Look, I love elderly people as much as the next person. Betty White is probably one of my favorite people on tv but after this weekend, I don't want to be around old people again until I'm one of them. The hotel was swarmed with, literally, hundreds of grandmas and grandpas due to a bird watching club and 50s decade reunion group. The reunion was for people that graduated high school in the 40s-50s so when I say old, I mean just that. These people were ancient. Can you imagine how frustrating it is to explain to an 80 something year old that their room number is their wifi code? I was constantly repeating myself, running up to rooms to show them how to operate the televisions and the remote, showing them how to use the guest computer to print stuff and even explaining to them they only had to hit 0 to dial the front desk. It was a nightmare. Finally, I had most of them checked in and doing just fine with their phones and televisions. One little old lady walked in and gave me the most refreshing perspective on old age. She walked up to the desk wearing a conductor's cap covered in sequins and glitter, cat framed eye glasses, and a leather jacket. She looked like a granny right out of a biker gang, honestly, and she looked epic. I knew right away this was the kind of old lady I'd want to be. She made all kinds of inappropriate jokes while I checked her in and before she walked to her room, she turned and said "If you see a hunky 70-80 year old man who doesn't already have an old biddy on his arm, why don't ya check him into my room and give me a ringading so I can get down to my skivvies before he walks in, eh?" I laughed, obviously, and humored her with a "I'll see what I can do." About an hour later she walked through the lobby and made an inappropriate comment regarding the perkiness of my "bosom" and how she might be able to get her's that perky with some duct tape. Seriously, I loved this woman. She was the most fun and the liveliest out of all the old women there. It gave me hope that, I too, can be a cool old lady one day.
Bird watchers unite:
The oddest group of elderly people staying at the hotel was the bird watching club. Seriously, they stood around in the lobby with their weird hats with flaps, fanny packs and binoculars FOREVER talking to me about guineas, guinea eggs, red birds, blue birds, fucking dodo birds... It went on and on and on. I was pretending to be interested, obviously, because they're guests, but I guess was pretending too well because then they started to talk to me about attracting a younger crowd to become members. They were asking me if I would be interested in joining or if I had any friends that might want to. What else could I do except take their brochures and say "I'll think about it, for sure?" It's not like I could tell them I would rather be stuck in an igloo during a blizzard with only the creepy houseman to keep me warm, than be caught dead wearing a fanny pack while having binoculars glued to my face in the hopes of finding some rare turkey breed. Seriously? When they all stopped congregating around the desk, this little old lady amongst them came up and asked me if she could "pop up to the roof" and see if she could get any good sights of birds from up there. HELL NO, GRANNY! We can't just let elderly women climb up to the roof to bird watch?! First, I need this job and secondly, I don't want the death of someone's grandma on my conscious when I go to bed at night. I happen to enjoy my dreams of rainbows and butterflies dancing on clouds. She was super pissed that I wouldn't let her go up there even after I told her it was a liability for the hotel and we weren't allowed to let guests or unauthorized people have access to the rooftop. The bird watching club finally left and I was forever haunted with the thoughts that when I get old and have nothing left to do, I might become one of those nut job bird enthusiasts just to pass the days away. Please God, don't ever let my life become that boring.
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