Random Thoughts During First Shift

This post is dedicated to my thoughts during 1st shift. I will simply write the thought as it comes to me and not the story behind it....


Ooo... a slow morning. Only 3 checkouts?! I'm going to read allllll day and pretend like it's work.


My boyfriend got into origami for a hot minute after watching prison break. I bet he'll like today's Google. I should email him.


Barely 8 a.m. and I have to deal with fucking sex offenders.


Please don't rape me.


That guy looks like a giant balloon knot. .... Ooooh! He is a giant balloon knot. 



Really, why am I even working here? Do I even need money? I could live off of water and crumbs I find in couch cushions. I guess I would need shoes though. Damn shoes.

Don't walk over here... don't walk over here... don't walk over here... "Good Morning!"


Maybe my boyfriend's right and he is retarded.


...No, he he's just a dumbass. 


Oh.my.god. I HAD to be the one here when YOU called.


How do you get a butt like that?


If he looks at me one more time, I might fire him.


Ewww... she's really ugly when she yells. I hope I don't look like that when I'm yelling.
Ooo I like that balloon.


DON'T STARE. DON'T STARE. OMFG WHAT IS THAT THING ON HER FACE? OMGOMGOMG. IS IT CONTAGIOUS? IS IT ALIVE? OMGOMGOMGOMG. DON'T LOOK AT IT AGAIN OR SHE'LL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.


Why does he talk to me? I wish he would just catch on fire.


Only 1 checkout left. Woooohoooo. Here I come, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy.


I kind of want to cook a quiche for dinner tonight..


How does a person's voice get so nasaly? Thank God I'm not from the north.


Why am I doing all the managers' work? I hate this place.


More deliveries? How many effing couches do we need?


I love fireplaces.


You can try to sell me one but I won't buy it.... Why are you still talking? ShuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutUpppppppppppppppppp!!


I bet they have freaky sex.


Some sales director. It's already 11:12 and still not at work. That bitch.


Why won't this thing open?! I bet he's starting at my butt. Why did this have to happen on the day I wore a sun dress? Please don't be looking at my butt when I turn around. If I try to pull my dress down just a little will he know that I think he's looking at my butt? JUST OPEN ALREADY!!!


Why does the coca cola guy always sound really high? Maybe he is always really high.


I really need some new Jack Rogers. I should buy a Lilly Pulitzer dress for my birthday too. Shopping online is so easy. I love you, internet.


My dog probably needs to go pee right now. I wish I could get paid to be a stay at home dog owner. Maybe I will just become a dog walker. Let me research this. No. I don't want to be a dog walker. Wait... Yes I do. Nah.


He is so weird. He'd be cute if he wasn't SO weird.


I'm jealous of your Vera Bradley bag, hooker. That's right, keep walking on by...


Going on 1:30 and still no sales director. Lazy. What a fucking waste of money she is.


I've got hungryyyyyy eyes!


Just open your web browser and enter your room number. I've said it 6 fucking times. My answer isn't going to change no matter how many times you ask, old man.


Jeebus! Do we really have to fire her tooodaayy?! I just want to read my book and go home at 3:00! 


God. I hate firing people. She is really annoying though. Eww, she's like drooling on herself. 


Begging for your job back is not the way to go.


6 more minutes....
5 more minutes...
4 more minutes...


Why does time move so slow when you stare at the clock??


1 more minute...


Where the hell is 2nd shift??


THAT WAS THE DOOR!! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Mother Doesn't Know Best

Your mom is a bitch:
I was working the desk this past weekend and there were several high school swim teams staying for 3 days due to a big championship swim meet. Having high school athletes stay at the hotel means most of their parents will be staying with us as well. High school students are pretty annoying because they tend to run all over the hotel and play pranks on each other, but the only thing more annoying than that is the parent of a high school student. During my shift, I must have had about 10 different parents ask me if they could use the meeting room. The only problem with that is the first parent that asked me got approval for her team to use it. This was NOT OK for the next 9 parents. "Why are you showing favoritism to that team?" "How come they get to use it and we can't?" Chill out, people. If you would have asked me first, you would have gotten to use it. It's not that I like that team better than your's. I don't even follow swimming for Pete's sake. The only swimmer I know of is Michael Phelps and I don't even really care about him. So, if I don't care about an Olympic swimmer that won a gazillion gold medals, I surely don't give a rat's ass about your brace faced, squirrelly little hooligan and his swim team. It was never ending. First it was the meeting room and then it was "Why does Susan's room have a table in it and mine doesn't?" We have two types of rooms with double beds and one is slightly larger and has a small square table with 4 chairs around it. We only had 4 rooms like this available for the weekend and we had about 30 of the doubles without the table. I'm sorry that I couldn't get you into a room with a fucking table and 4 chairs, but you know what? Every single person that complained to me about not having a table and actually got switched to one with a table, ended up eating dinner in the lobby every single night. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU YELL AT ME ABOUT WANTING A TABLE IF YOU WERE GOING TO EAT DOWN HERE ANYWAY?! People are so petty. So once everyone accepted the fact that I couldn't just snap my fingers and magically make tables and extra meeting rooms appear, it was all peace and quiet. AAHHH WRONG! I got a phone call Saturday evening from a mom who was staying in the hotel and she said "I need you to ring room 318 so I can make sure my daughter will be ready by the time I arrive." I happily transferred her to the room and didn't think anything of it. Well, she called back 5 minutes later and asked me to ring it again because her daughter didn't answer the first time. This went on for the next 20 minutes and I must have transferred the call to her room about 15 times. Finally, I told her it didn't seem as though anyone was answering and maybe her daughter was at the pool. I put her on hold while I checked the pool and found no one. She then asked to be transferred to another room that her daughter's friend was staying in. No answer in that room either. She decided to give up for the time being and hung up. About 30 minutes later she called back and said she was on her way to the hotel and I needed to find her daughter. She was yelling this at me, by the way, which pissed me off to no end. I am not your fucking babysitter. I am the hotel desk clerk. If you want to leave your 14 year old daughter alone in a hotel, you are solely responsible for whatever happens to her. Anyway, I grabbed the cordless phone and told her I'd run up to the room and knock. She told me if I got no answer after knocking, I had permission to go in. When I got to the room, I banged as loud as I could for about 5 minutes. After no response, I opened the door and saw what looked like a person in the bed. I walked over to the bed and the girl was asleep. I lightly shook her and scared the living shit out of her by doing so. When she opened her eyes and saw me, a complete stranger, shaking her she must have thought I was surely a murderer. I explained to her that her mother had been frantically calling the hotel trying to make sure she was ok. About that time, the door flew open and this lady came running in and grabbed the girl. She was hugging her and asking why she didn't answer the phone, so I just started to walk to the door and make my exit. All of a sudden the mother of this girl says, "YOU STOP RIGHT THERE." I turned around and said "Excuse me. Did you need anything else?" Her response, "YES, ACTUALLY!!!! I need you to know that this is the hotel's fault and you should be glad my daughter was ok and still in the room because if anything had happened to her, you'd have a lawsuit on your hands." I was SPEECHLESS. How the fuck is it my fault your daughter fell asleep and didn't answer the phone?!?! I just looked stunned for a moment and she continued with: "The phone in this room probably isn't working and that's why she didn't hear it?!?! MY DAUGHTER WOULD NEVER PUT ME THROUGH THIS. IT HAS TO BE THE PHONE!" Thank God I grabbed the cordless before leaving the desk. I very politely said "I do apologize if the phone is broken. Just a moment and I'll test it out." I dialed 7+318 and... RIIIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING. Take that bitch. The phone was as loud as it could be. She just stared at it and then looked at her daughter. Instead of apologizing to me for threatening a lawsuit and blaming me for her daughter's nap, she just started yelling at the girl. "HOW COULD YOU SLEEP THROUGH THAT? YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET A SWIM SCHOLARSHIP LIKE THIS, MADDIE!" What a bitch. I went back to my desk feeling so bad for that little girl. They exited through the lobby about 10 minutes later and you could tell the daughter had been crying and the mom didn't even look my way. I want my kids to be successful in whatever they do, but I will NEVER treat people that way to make it happen.

You Catch More Bees with Honey, Honey...

Being kind to unkind people:
Someone once told me that you should always be kind to unkind people because they probably need it the most. Well, I call bullshit. The biggest assholes I deal with on a daily basis are rich, arrogant pricks that think they should be treated like the only guests in the whole place. I've had people take my head off for being on the phone when they walk up to desk. Because, you know, I'm supposed to be fucking psychic and know you're walking up to the desk at the exact moment someone calls. I don't know when the human race became so entitled but I pray on a daily basis that I never treat a person the way I'm sometimes treated. The worst part of my job is that I can't just go psycho and tell all the dicks that come in that they're... well... dicks!! I had a cunt (I don't like that word) "lady" once call to make a reservation and I was going through the motions... date of arrival, how many nights, last name, address, credit card... and I asked her to repeat the last 4 digits of her card because the phone made a crackling noise. Heaven forbid this crazy hag had to say 4 fucking numbers one more time. She went off and asked if our hotel was one of those "equal opportunity places that hired retards" and if i was "stupid or something?" I just replied "I apologize ma'am, I couldn't quite hear the last few digits." I mean, people say stuff like this to me all the time and where the hell do they get off treating people like a piece of shit that got stuck to the bottom of their shoe?! It doesn't matter if they're standing in front of me, on the phone or in an email... they're just hateful! If I was out at a restaurant and someone asked me to repeat my order because it was a little hard to hear me, I wouldn't throw my drink in her face and ask if she was fucking retarded, now would I? No normal human being would!! Or maybe being raised in the south was my saving grace because (not to offend) but about 90% of the rude people I encounter on a daily basis are from above WAY ABOVE the Mason Dixon line. I get a few obnoxious southerners sometimes, but it's not nearly on the same level. Here's the thing, I and the rest of the hotel employees, sometimes make mistakes. I get that. If we make a mistake, I go out of my way to fix. If you're a dick, I'm taking 10% off and calling it a night. I'm not bending over backwards for someone who is going to stand in my face and verbally abuse me to make themselves feel so high and mighty. Guess what! If you are nice to the hotel desk clerk or the manager, there's a good chance we'll "accidentally" upgrade your room at no extra cost. We might even throw in a few free snacks from the market or sometimes, for my really great guests, I'll slip them a comped stay their next time in town. If you're calling me the B word and pounding on the counter until you're blue in the face... there is no way in hell I'm giving you any of those perks. I'm a person. Just because I happen to be working at the hotel you're checking into and just because you're paying $130 a night doesn't mean you can treat me like anything less than a person. It would do some people in this world a little good to remember the golden rule:

TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WISH TO BE TREATED.

or perhaps....

Killer Smells

Parenting at it's finest:
As I'm sure you may remember from previous posts, the hotel I work at is a smoke free facility. And as you may remember from those posts, people do break the rules and smoke in their rooms, completely disregarding the no smoking signs posted everywhere. We do the best we can to get rid of the smoky smell when someone decides to be an ass-hat and break the rules but sometimes it just lingers. Recently, someone smoked in a room and we did charge them the $250 fine that goes along with being an inconsiderate jackass but we were having such a hard time getting the horrible stench out. We used the ionizer, opened windows, sprays, etc. and nothing was working. We left the room out of service for a few days hoping the ionizer would do the trick, but you could still sort of smell it. We finally had to put the room back in service and hope for the best. Being a nonsmoker, it was very noticeable to me but a lot of the employees that smoked, couldn't really tell there was a smell, so I figured I would try to put a smoker in the room as opposed to a nonsmoker. Of course, this was super tricky because it meant I had to be extra observant when guests came in and look for any sign of cigarettes, lighter, matches, etc. Finally, a lady came in with her son and she had a cigarette case in her hand. I hit the jackpot and it was going to be OK... or as it goes with my luck, the worst mistake ever. The lady came back down to the desk and complained of the smoky smell. Alright, so my plan didn't work. Not only did she complain about the smell but she starts in on "I thought this was a no smoking hotel!!" I point out that we are nonsmoking but sometimes guests don't care and smoke anyway. She looked annoyed by my answer like there was no way people would actually smoke in a nonsmoking hotel! But what else was I supposed to say? She's a grown ass woman... she has to know that there are people out there that lie, cheat, steal and what have you. It's not like I was breaking her faith in the human race at the innocent age of 40-something. Anyway, she proceeded to tell me that her son has asthma and it's really harmful for him to be around cigarette smoke. I apologized for the inconvenience and offered to move her to a new room. She went on a rant about how they had already unpacked and she didn't feel like moving. Ok, first: there's no way you unpacked all the shit you brought in 2 minutes because that's how long it took you to come back downstairs from the room. Second: even if you were completely unpacked, your son's health condition might be worth you repacking and moving to a new room, you fucking moron. Don't come get in my face and go on and on about your room being potentially harmful to your son and then not want to get the EFF out of it! I had this woman figured out though -- she didn't want to move, she just wanted a discount. A discount that she wasn't going to get from me as long as I had a perfectly good room to put her in that wasn't a death threat to her asthmatic child. She continued to complain, asked for the manager, told her it was me and she finally took the upgraded new room. The next day as I was sitting at home enjoying a glass of sweet tea, I get a text message from one of my front desk employees: "You know that lady you had to move out of the smoky room? Well, she's loading up her car and smoking a cigarette right beside her son." ..... And this is why I hate people.

Please Pay Attention

Annoyed:
There are several things that cause me to get irritated with guests but the biggest one is when a guest doesn't listen. During check in, I explain EVERYTHING. Literally. I explain breakfast hours, wifi, pool, fitness center, that your room number is on your key flap and I even explain that putting your room keys next to your cell phone or credit cards may cause them to become demagnetized. You would think people would want to hear this stuff, but clearly no. I can't tell you how many people I check in every single day that will come back to the desk and ask me to explain everything all over again. They even get mad at me and act like I should have told them these things already... well, guess what! I did tell you that breakfast is from 6am-10am, asshole Mr. Smith. PAY ATTENTION. This guy comes in last night and I give him the WHOLE spiel. Not even 5 minutes later he comes back down and says "I don't know what's wrong but my key card won't work." Oh, really? Didn't I tell you not to put them next to your cell phones or credit cards? Because it looks like you're hold it right next to your fucking blackberry!! I apologize, remake his keys and give him the warning that they can be demagnetized by phones and credit cards. His response? "Oh, so this is my fault now?" I kind of wanted to say "yes, jackass, it is." Instead I assured him it wasn't his fault at all and that this sort of thing happens all the time. He went about his way. I see the same guy downstairs this morning and it's about 10:45am so breakfast is over. I wasn't working the desk so I knew I wouldn't have to deal with him... thank God. He walks over to the desk clerk on duty and says "What time is breakfast?" She politely tells him and apologizes that he missed it but offers him a muffin or some fruit. He gets livid. "You know what? This really pisses me off. When I checked in last night, the girl at the desk didn't tell me ANYTHING about breakfast or pool hours so I missed my swim last night as well. Don't get me started on the fact that she blamed me for my keys not working. I demand to speak with your manager!" Welllllp, looks like I was going to be dealing with him after all. When I came around the corner, he looked speechless. I asked him what the problem was and he just got red in the face and started telling me the same thing he told the desk clerk. He knew he was lying and so did I so I'm not sure why he didn't just walk away but he continued through his lie and when he stopped I just stood there. I could go about this two ways... I could just pretend what he said was true and give him the discount or I could call him out on his shit. I decided I'd had enough of people walking stomping all over me so I chose the latter. I explained to him that I was the young lady lady who checked him in and that I did, indeed, explain all of these things to him, but he seemed to be busy checking his phone and might not have heard everything (or anything at all for that matter). I also reminded him that I apologized for the key mishap and assured him that it wasn't his fault so as for "BLAMING him" --- I did not. Once my explanation of the situation was over, he knew he had lost. I did not give him the discount or apologize for his lack of attention, but I did get him that muffin and fruit from the kitchen. Let this be a lesson to all of you checking into hotels....

PAY ATTENTION.

Problem Guest

Out of sync:
The hotel has been pretty hectic as of lately, simply because they're renovating the entire facility AND staying open to the public. On top of trying to make sure guests are happy during the construction (no complaints so far!), we are juggling a lot of overbooking. We obviously weren't overbooked at the time the reservations were made but due to unforeseen circumstances stupidity on the sales director's part, we have had to switch a lot of doubles to kings (every guy wants to snuggle his BFF, don't lie) and walk group bookings to other local hotels. In all this chaos, we had ONE night that I was looking forward to working because it was a Sunday and it was expected to be slow. What the hell was I thinking? A slow night just means I'm more available for the 3 guests I check in to complain to. Anyway, my first few check ins went smoothly and everyone was happy. I was in the home stretch with just 2 check ins left. In the middle of watching a Criminal Minds episode, I heard her. I didn't know it yet, but she would quickly become my most loved LOATHED guest. During the whole check in process she referred to me as "babe," "hon," or "dudette." Yes, that last one was dudette and yes, I was as annoyed hearing it as you are reading it. I explained all of the amenities we offer, the breakfast times and the wifi code. All of which she asked me about immediately after I  handed her her keys. How about instead of rummaging through your purse while I'm talk to you, pay attention! Anyway, I repeated myself and sent her off to her room... on the first floor. As soon as she opened the key flap and headed down the hall, she turned around and made a B line for the desk. "Sorry, babe, I can't be on the first floor. It's not like I'm 90." I happily gave her a room on the second floor. A few minutes later, she's back again. "Sorry, hon, but I can't be on the end of the hall. Too far away from the elevators! Oh and just so you know, babe, I can't be right beside them either." I found her a room perfectly in between the elevators and the end of the hall. Was that the end? NOOOO. She calls down to let me know there is a problem with the cable. Seeing as how I had been watching Criminal Minds, I wasn't sure what she was talking about and she proceeded to let me know that the mouths of the people on the television weren't synced with what they were saying. I flipped through several channels and it was only happening on the ONE channel she wanted to watch. I called the cable company and they told me it was a broadcasting issue, not a cable issue. I repeated this to her and ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE. She DEMANDED that I move her to another room, which I did, and that if the TV didn't work in the new room (I knew the same thing would be happening because it was happening on all of the TVs) that she was going to be a difficult guest. Oh, as opposed to the pleasant one you've been since you arrived, you horrible bitch? In the new room, the same problem was occurring so we contacted the cable company again. They told her the same thing they told me and she started screaming at me that the cable company we use was insane. "I'M IN TELEVISION SO I KNOW THEY'RE BULLSHITTING. I MEAN, THIS IS OSCAR SUNDAY AND I'M FROM L.A. AND OSCAR SUNDAY IS LIKE A NATIONAL HOLIDAY TO ME. IF THIS ISN'T FIXED BY THE TIME THE OSCARS ARE ON, I'M GOING TO FLIP MY SHIT." Hmm... I believe that ship has sailed.

When the Oscars came on, it still wasn't fixed but finally synced up when they went live. This did not matter to her. Every time she came through the lobby to smoke, she reminded me that she shouldn't have come on such a stupid trip to this "little hick town" on Oscar Sunday. Apparently, the glamour of the Oscars had been ruined for her and that it was a big deal because SHE WAS FROM L.A. Y'ALL and she did not let me forget it ALL NIGHT LONG. Let me say it again... SHE WAS FROM LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. Certainly not from the pretty party because it looked like she might have eaten a few models. Ten minutes before my shift ended, she came down to let me know that she was going to be speaking with the manager before she checked out. I just smiled and nodded because I knew all of the managers would be off the next day and she'd be back on a plane to the wonderful world of LA and all it's Oscar glory. If she wasn't flying on public airlines and if I was really hateful, I might have wished on the brightest star that her plane would crash in some deserted little hick town with NO TV between here and California.