Hotales

Hotales
The Life and Times of A Hotel Desk Clerk

Friday, May 18, 2012

ConGRADuations! You're a Bitch!

You're a total bitch:
Every year like clockwork that wonderful time known as graduation rolls around and I'm forced to be around hundreds of parents who think their child is the only one graduating. In reality, the University we're located near, graduates THOUSANDS of students every year, but you can't tell that to a proud mom or dad that wants you to cater to their every whim on THEIR special day. Graduation is a HUGE deal at the hotel I work for. We sell out one year in advance and it really only takes about 15-20 minutes to sell out when we finally open for booking. Contracts are sent out and all of the rooms are prepaid. Of course, the rates are sky high and some people are booking 3-4 rooms so they are literally paying thousands of dollars one year prior to their stay with us and sometimes they aren't even sure if their son or daughter is going to graduate. I understand it's stressful for the parents, but let's take their stress and multiply it by about 100 and that's where you find me. I have parents leaving me voicemails BEGGING for rooms. I even had a parent ask me if he could rent out the lobby couch. It's ridiculous. I wish I could sell everyone a room, but I just can't. Then we have the actual day they arrive. Everything has to be PERFECT. We've been renovating all year so it was super stressful making sure every little detail was done and in place by the time these crazed parents and grandparents arrived. Finally, the day came! Renovations were complete and I was like a mad woman checking behind housekeeping. I even ironed sheets for 3 hours the day before making sure everything was just so. We put little snacks in the rooms and flowers that were the university's colors... it was perfect. Or so I thought until a Mrs. Oppie (not her real name!) showed up to check in. This lady arrived around 5pm and was absolutely foul. I don't think I have ever encountered someone so terrible in my life and I hope I never have to again. This lady was just a bitch from the beginning. Let me make this known beforehand: we send out contracts, the guests sign those contracts after reviewing their room types and rates, once it is sent back we charge their credit cards for the full price. This process takes place ONE YEAR before they arrive. On the contract, there is a line dedicated to special requests. It specifically says under this line: "Special requests are just that - Requests. We will accommodate you to the best of our ability but requests are NOT guaranteed." Anyway, Mrs. Oppie arrives and right off the bat says, "I'm here to check in and let's be quick about it, ok? I don't need to hear anything about the shitty breakfast or the slow wirelss. Just give me my keys." I was absolutely DUMBFOUNDED. Everyone I had checked in was so HAPPY to be there and gushing over the newly renovated lobby and guest rooms that it took me a second to respond, which caused her to be even more hateful. "I SAID BE QUICK ABOUT IT!" Snapping back to reality, I began her check in process and reviewed her information. I said: "It's so good to have you here, Mrs. Oppie. It looks like I have two rooms here for you, each room with a King sized bed." I thought she was going to crawl across the desk and rip my face off. She starts yelling how her rooms were supposed to have 2 beds and not just 1 king. I raced to my office and came back with her SIGNED CONTRACTS and showed them to her. She had indeed booked two rooms with kings. This only infuriated her more. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? I DON'T REMEMBER SIGNING THAT!" I apologized if there was some sort of miscommunication, but the contracts were binding as far as room types and there was no way for me to switch her because we were sold out and everyone else had their own contracts too, so I couldn't just give her someone else's room. She just kept screaming and dropping the F bomb so I had to finally ask her to lower her voice. She then proceeded to THROW the contracts back at my face with a quick "just give me the fucking rooms already." I made her keys and sent her about her way. Not even to the elevator, she turns around. "THESE ROOMS AREN'T ON THE SAME FLOOR!! I REQUESTED THEY BE BESIDE EACH OTHER." Again, I showed her the contracts where she had left the "special request" field blank. Instead of listening to her scream some more, I just moved some stuff around and got both of her rooms on the same floor. She was on the elevator and out of my sight at last! The phone rings 5 minutes later... room 412 flashing on the screen... her room... I thought about not answering but knew I had to. I picked up the phone and before I could even get the words "Front Desk!" out of my mouth, she says "THERE'S NO HAIRDRYER IN MY ROOM." I knew there was a hairdryer in the room but she probably couldn't see it because we put them on the closet shelf. I told her where it was and she said "NO. I LOOKED THERE DAMNIT. SEND ONE UP ALREADY." So, I call our trusty houseman and he heads upstairs with a hairdryer. About 15 minutes later he comes downstairs shaking his head. He then proceeds to tell me that there was a hairdryer in her room already and when he showed her where it was, she ripped into him like a monkey on a cupcake. He said her words were: "Why in the fucking hell did they send someone like you up here? Don't talk to me like I'm dumb you fucking retard." All he could do was apologize and just get out fast. Another incident of her slamming a door in our sales director's face and I knew I had to do something. I called her room and asked if she could please come downstairs. When she got to the desk, I made no effort to bite my tongue or be nice. I calmly told her that my staff had done nothing to deserve that sort of treatment and as much as I wanted her to be a guest in our facility, I had the right and certainly no problem to escort her out of the hotel. This obviously made her really mad but she just walked away. Her husband came in about 2 hours later and I told him she had already checked in the rooms. He then told me his wife was a "bitch" and left him and his other son back home without telling them she was leaving. Clearly, this lady had issues. We didn't hear anything else from her until breakfast when she was screaming at our breakfast guy. I walked over and she immediately sat down and pretended she wasn't doing anything. She pissed me off to no end but finally the weekend was over and she was GONE. Out of every single guest I have ever had to deal with (and that's a big number!), I think I hate her the most. Also, out of a 3 day weekend with a FULL hotel all 3 nights, she was the ONLY ONE to complain. What a horrible cunt (I don't like that word, but it's appropriate for her)!

Anyway... happy graduation to her son... the spawn of satan, herself!




Friday, March 16, 2012

Random Thoughts During First Shift

This post is dedicated to my thoughts during 1st shift. I will simply write the thought as it comes to me and not the story behind it....


Ooo... a slow morning. Only 3 checkouts?! I'm going to read allllll day and pretend like it's work.


My boyfriend got into origami for a hot minute after watching prison break. I bet he'll like today's Google. I should email him.


Barely 8 a.m. and I have to deal with fucking sex offenders.


Please don't rape me.


That guy looks like a giant balloon knot. .... Ooooh! He is a giant balloon knot. 



Really, why am I even working here? Do I even need money? I could live off of water and crumbs I find in couch cushions. I guess I would need shoes though. Damn shoes.

Don't walk over here... don't walk over here... don't walk over here... "Good Morning!"


Maybe my boyfriend's right and he is retarded.


...No, he he's just a dumbass. 


Oh.my.god. I HAD to be the one here when YOU called.


How do you get a butt like that?


If he looks at me one more time, I might fire him.


Ewww... she's really ugly when she yells. I hope I don't look like that when I'm yelling.
Ooo I like that balloon.


DON'T STARE. DON'T STARE. OMFG WHAT IS THAT THING ON HER FACE? OMGOMGOMG. IS IT CONTAGIOUS? IS IT ALIVE? OMGOMGOMGOMG. DON'T LOOK AT IT AGAIN OR SHE'LL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.


Why does he talk to me? I wish he would just catch on fire.


Only 1 checkout left. Woooohoooo. Here I come, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy.


I kind of want to cook a quiche for dinner tonight..


How does a person's voice get so nasaly? Thank God I'm not from the north.


Why am I doing all the managers' work? I hate this place.


More deliveries? How many effing couches do we need?


I love fireplaces.


You can try to sell me one but I won't buy it.... Why are you still talking? ShuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutUpppppppppppppppppp!!


I bet they have freaky sex.


Some sales director. It's already 11:12 and still not at work. That bitch.


Why won't this thing open?! I bet he's starting at my butt. Why did this have to happen on the day I wore a sun dress? Please don't be looking at my butt when I turn around. If I try to pull my dress down just a little will he know that I think he's looking at my butt? JUST OPEN ALREADY!!!


Why does the coca cola guy always sound really high? Maybe he is always really high.


I really need some new Jack Rogers. I should buy a Lilly Pulitzer dress for my birthday too. Shopping online is so easy. I love you, internet.


My dog probably needs to go pee right now. I wish I could get paid to be a stay at home dog owner. Maybe I will just become a dog walker. Let me research this. No. I don't want to be a dog walker. Wait... Yes I do. Nah.


He is so weird. He'd be cute if he wasn't SO weird.


I'm jealous of your Vera Bradley bag, hooker. That's right, keep walking on by...


Going on 1:30 and still no sales director. Lazy. What a fucking waste of money she is.


I've got hungryyyyyy eyes!


Just open your web browser and enter your room number. I've said it 6 fucking times. My answer isn't going to change no matter how many times you ask, old man.


Jeebus! Do we really have to fire her tooodaayy?! I just want to read my book and go home at 3:00! 


God. I hate firing people. She is really annoying though. Eww, she's like drooling on herself. 


Begging for your job back is not the way to go.


6 more minutes....
5 more minutes...
4 more minutes...


Why does time move so slow when you stare at the clock??


1 more minute...


Where the hell is 2nd shift??


THAT WAS THE DOOR!! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
































Sunday, March 11, 2012

Mother Doesn't Know Best

Your mom is a bitch:
I was working the desk this past weekend and there were several high school swim teams staying for 3 days due to a big championship swim meet. Having high school athletes stay at the hotel means most of their parents will be staying with us as well. High school students are pretty annoying because they tend to run all over the hotel and play pranks on each other, but the only thing more annoying than that is the parent of a high school student. During my shift, I must have had about 10 different parents ask me if they could use the meeting room. The only problem with that is the first parent that asked me got approval for her team to use it. This was NOT OK for the next 9 parents. "Why are you showing favoritism to that team?" "How come they get to use it and we can't?" Chill out, people. If you would have asked me first, you would have gotten to use it. It's not that I like that team better than your's. I don't even follow swimming for Pete's sake. The only swimmer I know of is Michael Phelps and I don't even really care about him. So, if I don't care about an Olympic swimmer that won a gazillion gold medals, I surely don't give a rat's ass about your brace faced, squirrelly little hooligan and his swim team. It was never ending. First it was the meeting room and then it was "Why does Susan's room have a table in it and mine doesn't?" We have two types of rooms with double beds and one is slightly larger and has a small square table with 4 chairs around it. We only had 4 rooms like this available for the weekend and we had about 30 of the doubles without the table. I'm sorry that I couldn't get you into a room with a fucking table and 4 chairs, but you know what? Every single person that complained to me about not having a table and actually got switched to one with a table, ended up eating dinner in the lobby every single night. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU YELL AT ME ABOUT WANTING A TABLE IF YOU WERE GOING TO EAT DOWN HERE ANYWAY?! People are so petty. So once everyone accepted the fact that I couldn't just snap my fingers and magically make tables and extra meeting rooms appear, it was all peace and quiet. AAHHH WRONG! I got a phone call Saturday evening from a mom who was staying in the hotel and she said "I need you to ring room 318 so I can make sure my daughter will be ready by the time I arrive." I happily transferred her to the room and didn't think anything of it. Well, she called back 5 minutes later and asked me to ring it again because her daughter didn't answer the first time. This went on for the next 20 minutes and I must have transferred the call to her room about 15 times. Finally, I told her it didn't seem as though anyone was answering and maybe her daughter was at the pool. I put her on hold while I checked the pool and found no one. She then asked to be transferred to another room that her daughter's friend was staying in. No answer in that room either. She decided to give up for the time being and hung up. About 30 minutes later she called back and said she was on her way to the hotel and I needed to find her daughter. She was yelling this at me, by the way, which pissed me off to no end. I am not your fucking babysitter. I am the hotel desk clerk. If you want to leave your 14 year old daughter alone in a hotel, you are solely responsible for whatever happens to her. Anyway, I grabbed the cordless phone and told her I'd run up to the room and knock. She told me if I got no answer after knocking, I had permission to go in. When I got to the room, I banged as loud as I could for about 5 minutes. After no response, I opened the door and saw what looked like a person in the bed. I walked over to the bed and the girl was asleep. I lightly shook her and scared the living shit out of her by doing so. When she opened her eyes and saw me, a complete stranger, shaking her she must have thought I was surely a murderer. I explained to her that her mother had been frantically calling the hotel trying to make sure she was ok. About that time, the door flew open and this lady came running in and grabbed the girl. She was hugging her and asking why she didn't answer the phone, so I just started to walk to the door and make my exit. All of a sudden the mother of this girl says, "YOU STOP RIGHT THERE." I turned around and said "Excuse me. Did you need anything else?" Her response, "YES, ACTUALLY!!!! I need you to know that this is the hotel's fault and you should be glad my daughter was ok and still in the room because if anything had happened to her, you'd have a lawsuit on your hands." I was SPEECHLESS. How the fuck is it my fault your daughter fell asleep and didn't answer the phone?!?! I just looked stunned for a moment and she continued with: "The phone in this room probably isn't working and that's why she didn't hear it?!?! MY DAUGHTER WOULD NEVER PUT ME THROUGH THIS. IT HAS TO BE THE PHONE!" Thank God I grabbed the cordless before leaving the desk. I very politely said "I do apologize if the phone is broken. Just a moment and I'll test it out." I dialed 7+318 and... RIIIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING. Take that bitch. The phone was as loud as it could be. She just stared at it and then looked at her daughter. Instead of apologizing to me for threatening a lawsuit and blaming me for her daughter's nap, she just started yelling at the girl. "HOW COULD YOU SLEEP THROUGH THAT? YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET A SWIM SCHOLARSHIP LIKE THIS, MADDIE!" What a bitch. I went back to my desk feeling so bad for that little girl. They exited through the lobby about 10 minutes later and you could tell the daughter had been crying and the mom didn't even look my way. I want my kids to be successful in whatever they do, but I will NEVER treat people that way to make it happen.







Monday, March 5, 2012

You Catch More Bees with Honey, Honey...

Being kind to unkind people:
Someone once told me that you should always be kind to unkind people because they probably need it the most. Well, I call bullshit. The biggest assholes I deal with on a daily basis are rich, arrogant pricks that think they should be treated like the only guests in the whole place. I've had people take my head off for being on the phone when they walk up to desk. Because, you know, I'm supposed to be fucking psychic and know you're walking up to the desk at the exact moment someone calls. I don't know when the human race became so entitled but I pray on a daily basis that I never treat a person the way I'm sometimes treated. The worst part of my job is that I can't just go psycho and tell all the dicks that come in that they're... well... dicks!! I had a cunt (I don't like that word) "lady" once call to make a reservation and I was going through the motions... date of arrival, how many nights, last name, address, credit card... and I asked her to repeat the last 4 digits of her card because the phone made a crackling noise. Heaven forbid this crazy hag had to say 4 fucking numbers one more time. She went off and asked if our hotel was one of those "equal opportunity places that hired retards" and if i was "stupid or something?" I just replied "I apologize ma'am, I couldn't quite hear the last few digits." I mean, people say stuff like this to me all the time and where the hell do they get off treating people like a piece of shit that got stuck to the bottom of their shoe?! It doesn't matter if they're standing in front of me, on the phone or in an email... they're just hateful! If I was out at a restaurant and someone asked me to repeat my order because it was a little hard to hear me, I wouldn't throw my drink in her face and ask if she was fucking retarded, now would I? No normal human being would!! Or maybe being raised in the south was my saving grace because (not to offend) but about 90% of the rude people I encounter on a daily basis are from above WAY ABOVE the Mason Dixon line. I get a few obnoxious southerners sometimes, but it's not nearly on the same level. Here's the thing, I and the rest of the hotel employees, sometimes make mistakes. I get that. If we make a mistake, I go out of my way to fix. If you're a dick, I'm taking 10% off and calling it a night. I'm not bending over backwards for someone who is going to stand in my face and verbally abuse me to make themselves feel so high and mighty. Guess what! If you are nice to the hotel desk clerk or the manager, there's a good chance we'll "accidentally" upgrade your room at no extra cost. We might even throw in a few free snacks from the market or sometimes, for my really great guests, I'll slip them a comped stay their next time in town. If you're calling me the B word and pounding on the counter until you're blue in the face... there is no way in hell I'm giving you any of those perks. I'm a person. Just because I happen to be working at the hotel you're checking into and just because you're paying $130 a night doesn't mean you can treat me like anything less than a person. It would do some people in this world a little good to remember the golden rule:


TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WISH TO BE TREATED.


or perhaps....




Sunday, March 4, 2012

Killer Smells

Parenting at it's finest:
As I'm sure you may remember from previous posts, the hotel I work at is a smoke free facility. And as you may remember from those posts, people do break the rules and smoke in their rooms, completely disregarding the no smoking signs posted everywhere. We do the best we can to get rid of the smoky smell when someone decides to be an ass-hat and break the rules but sometimes it just lingers. Recently, someone smoked in a room and we did charge them the $250 fine that goes along with being an inconsiderate jackass but we were having such a hard time getting the horrible stench out. We used the ionizer, opened windows, sprays, etc. and nothing was working. We left the room out of service for a few days hoping the ionizer would do the trick, but you could still sort of smell it. We finally had to put the room back in service and hope for the best. Being a nonsmoker, it was very noticeable to me but a lot of the employees that smoked, couldn't really tell there was a smell, so I figured I would try to put a smoker in the room as opposed to a nonsmoker. Of course, this was super tricky because it meant I had to be extra observant when guests came in and look for any sign of cigarettes, lighter, matches, etc. Finally, a lady came in with her son and she had a cigarette case in her hand. I hit the jackpot and it was going to be OK... or as it goes with my luck, the worst mistake ever. The lady came back down to the desk and complained of the smoky smell. Alright, so my plan didn't work. Not only did she complain about the smell but she starts in on "I thought this was a no smoking hotel!!" I point out that we are nonsmoking but sometimes guests don't care and smoke anyway. She looked annoyed by my answer like there was no way people would actually smoke in a nonsmoking hotel! But what else was I supposed to say? She's a grown ass woman... she has to know that there are people out there that lie, cheat, steal and what have you. It's not like I was breaking her faith in the human race at the innocent age of 40-something. Anyway, she proceeded to tell me that her son has asthma and it's really harmful for him to be around cigarette smoke. I apologized for the inconvenience and offered to move her to a new room. She went on a rant about how they had already unpacked and she didn't feel like moving. Ok, first: there's no way you unpacked all the shit you brought in 2 minutes because that's how long it took you to come back downstairs from the room. Second: even if you were completely unpacked, your son's health condition might be worth you repacking and moving to a new room, you fucking moron. Don't come get in my face and go on and on about your room being potentially harmful to your son and then not want to get the EFF out of it! I had this woman figured out though -- she didn't want to move, she just wanted a discount. A discount that she wasn't going to get from me as long as I had a perfectly good room to put her in that wasn't a death threat to her asthmatic child. She continued to complain, asked for the manager, told her it was me and she finally took the upgraded new room. The next day as I was sitting at home enjoying a glass of sweet tea, I get a text message from one of my front desk employees: "You know that lady you had to move out of the smoky room? Well, she's loading up her car and smoking a cigarette right beside her son." ..... And this is why I hate people.