You know you want to eat that muffin:
I have to admit, one of the best things about working as a hotel desk clerk is people watching. It's so fun to watch people when they think no one's looking, but sometimes it's incredibly gross. For instance, there was a guy standing in one of the hallways for at least 5 minutes just picking his nose and examining each booger. It was totes disgusting! Between the security cameras and people walking through the lobby, I see everything. I see people pick wedgies, scratch their asses, randomly sniff themselves, fall, run into things.. the list goes on and on. One morning, I was at the desk just "observing" people during breakfast hours and by that I mean, I had my nose crammed in a book and would only look up every few minutes. It just so happens I glanced up at precisely the right moment. Everyone had cleared out except for one really old man. He was wandering around checking out everything on the bar and it seemed like he was a little overwhelmed with his options. After several minutes, it looked like he had finally decided on a muffin and some yogurt. He picked a table, sat down and then just stared at his plate. I can't be sure if he did this on purpose or if it was an accident but I swear to God it looked like he swatted at the muffin. Whatever the case may be, the muffin landed on the ground and was there for a solid minute before the old geezer finally picked it up. The five second rule clearly doesn't apply when you're a 99 year old man. He looked at the muffin for about 30 more seconds then gobbled it down. I immediately stuck my face back in my book because I knew I was about to lose it and start cracking up. This old man was so ridiculous. He stayed in the lobby for a long while just putting things on his plate and staring at them for a long time before devouring them. Maybe he was giving himself a pep talk to get up enough courage to eat the food or maybe he was just a crazy old man. Regardless, I love him and I wish he ate breakfast here every single day. :o)
Hotales
The Life and Times of A Hotel Desk Clerk
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
One Smart Cookie
Remembering where you need to be is rocket science:
As I've said in my previous posts, I always try to be as cheerful as possible when I get to work in the mornings. It's hard, because I'm not a morning person and it's made even harder when I'm dealing with absolute ass clowns. I had a "gentleman" come in this morning to check in. First of all, check in is at 4 p.m. but we had some rooms ready so it wasn't a huge deal. Then comes the ordeal. I can't find his name in the system and the confirmation number he kept repeating (as if saying it 15 freaking times is going to make your reservation magically appear) wasn't there either. I know for a fact this isn't one of our confirmation numbers because it's longer than our's and it starts with a different number. I asked him politely if he's sure he had a reservation with us. He proceeded to tell me he isn't a moron and he'd know if he'd booked somewhere else. I told him I could give a room and that there was no problem, but of course, that solution didn't satisfy him. He wanted to find his reservation and when he started raising his voice, I literally tried to give him everything he wanted. I even discounted the room rate for him but that was not good enough either. How on Earth could we lose his precious reservation and why won't his confirmation number work?! Then he told me he's pretty sure he was prepaid so I should give him the room for free. Suuuuuuuuure!! Let me get right on that. My boss would be totally ok with me giving you a room for free simply because you told me you had already paid for one, even though I have no evidence or documents saying so. He got all huffy when I told him I couldn't do that and then yells "WHATEVER!!," takes his keys and marches away to his room. One hour later, he came back and told me he had to check out. I had to ask if there was a problem even though I know he already hates me and that there was sure to be something else for me to deal with. Get ready for it, folks. He did have a reservation, JUST NOT HERE!! I couldn't stop smiling and he could clearly see how much of a dumbass I thought he was. When I asked him where his reservation was, he was reluctant to say but then admitted that it was in a po-dunk town about 30 minutes away. Absolutely, I realize that you meant to book your reservation here and can definitely see how you got us confused with Hooker's Delight Motel in Hobbitown, West Virginia, jackass!!! It's just so satisfying when they finally realize they are, indeed, as smart as a bag of hair and I was right all along. That's all for today but it's only 10 a.m. so who knows what else could happen!
As I've said in my previous posts, I always try to be as cheerful as possible when I get to work in the mornings. It's hard, because I'm not a morning person and it's made even harder when I'm dealing with absolute ass clowns. I had a "gentleman" come in this morning to check in. First of all, check in is at 4 p.m. but we had some rooms ready so it wasn't a huge deal. Then comes the ordeal. I can't find his name in the system and the confirmation number he kept repeating (as if saying it 15 freaking times is going to make your reservation magically appear) wasn't there either. I know for a fact this isn't one of our confirmation numbers because it's longer than our's and it starts with a different number. I asked him politely if he's sure he had a reservation with us. He proceeded to tell me he isn't a moron and he'd know if he'd booked somewhere else. I told him I could give a room and that there was no problem, but of course, that solution didn't satisfy him. He wanted to find his reservation and when he started raising his voice, I literally tried to give him everything he wanted. I even discounted the room rate for him but that was not good enough either. How on Earth could we lose his precious reservation and why won't his confirmation number work?! Then he told me he's pretty sure he was prepaid so I should give him the room for free. Suuuuuuuuure!! Let me get right on that. My boss would be totally ok with me giving you a room for free simply because you told me you had already paid for one, even though I have no evidence or documents saying so. He got all huffy when I told him I couldn't do that and then yells "WHATEVER!!," takes his keys and marches away to his room. One hour later, he came back and told me he had to check out. I had to ask if there was a problem even though I know he already hates me and that there was sure to be something else for me to deal with. Get ready for it, folks. He did have a reservation, JUST NOT HERE!! I couldn't stop smiling and he could clearly see how much of a dumbass I thought he was. When I asked him where his reservation was, he was reluctant to say but then admitted that it was in a po-dunk town about 30 minutes away. Absolutely, I realize that you meant to book your reservation here and can definitely see how you got us confused with Hooker's Delight Motel in Hobbitown, West Virginia, jackass!!! It's just so satisfying when they finally realize they are, indeed, as smart as a bag of hair and I was right all along. That's all for today but it's only 10 a.m. so who knows what else could happen!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Verbal Punching Bag
The incredibly stupid woman:
It amazes me how much people expect me to know about every little thing. Of course I know where you can find a Mongolian Bar-b-que restaurant that offers Kosher and vegetarian options as well, and who doesn't know where Possum Trot Lane in the middle of Bumfuck is?! I had a lady come down this morning and tell me her friends in Room 411 weren't answering their cell phones or the room phone. So I suggested to her that they might be out or still asleep. Oooooh no! "Well, Cathy doesn't sleep past 8 so they must be out. Where do you think they went?" What else could I do except give her a blank stare? The only information I have on your friends in room 411 is that they are staying here for 1 night and that they booked their room online. Oh, but now that I know Cathy doesn't sleep past 8, I can tell you exactly where she is with her entire family, how long they'll be out and why they won't answer your phone calls. People are so stupid. I'm not even at the tip of the iceberg yet, folks. Not even 30 minutes later a group came by to check out of room 411. During the checkout, I say "Oh, I think your friend over there was trying to reach you." Lo and behold, now I'm the moron. "Um.. we don't know that lady." Turns out, the idiot had been calling room 411 but her friends were not staying in 411 at our hotel. They were staying in 411 at the hotel across the street. What a fucking tard.
Sure you can yell at me:
I'm at work and breakfast is over. I thought I was in the clear and sat down to read one of my books. Ah, the silence is like a mini vacation from all the nutters I have to deal with everyday. Right when I'm good and relaxed, the phone rings. Surprise, Surprise. It's the same crazy guy that's been yelling at me everyday for almost a month. Let me just give you a little background on this nut job. He booked an online reservation that was prepaid and had a no cancellation policy. He called me a while back to cancel and when I explained that he couldn't and that his card had already been charged, I'm pretty sure he actually lost his mind. He proceeded to yell curse words at me and then actually said: "I hope my son does get into school here so I can purposely stay away from your hotel and you, you stupid bitch." Oh yes, because it's my fault you decided to book a non-cancellable room and then cancel. Gotcha. He also told me he wanted to talk to my manager about my attitude because I didn't "sound upset" about his situation. What a jackass. I hope his son doesn't get into college anywhere and leaches off of him until he dies. Anyway, the story doesn't end there. This same guy has been calling and harassing the hotel for about a month to try and get his money back and every time he gets shut down, especially now that he's being so ridiculous about it. Clearly he has never heard of catching more flies with honey than vinegar. His latest move was to call his bank and tell them it was a phony charge and that he has never stayed at this hotel. The last part is true (thank God), but he did make a prepaid reservation. When the bank called to verify this information, my manager was already on top of it and faxed over several documents confirming that the charges were, indeed, valid. So this morning, guess who calls! Mr. Nutso! He immediately starts yelling at me and telling me we had no right to fax documents to his bank (even though we did) and he must have called me "BITCH" about 10 times. I stopped counting at 6. He also told me he hated the company that owned our hotel and he "sincerely hopes we get a bed bug and lice infestation and have to close down." I eventually hung up on him after I had heard enough and my manager is in the process of having his number blocked and putting him on the black list for our hotel. Cheers, crazy man. It's people like him that cause me to drink.
It amazes me how much people expect me to know about every little thing. Of course I know where you can find a Mongolian Bar-b-que restaurant that offers Kosher and vegetarian options as well, and who doesn't know where Possum Trot Lane in the middle of Bumfuck is?! I had a lady come down this morning and tell me her friends in Room 411 weren't answering their cell phones or the room phone. So I suggested to her that they might be out or still asleep. Oooooh no! "Well, Cathy doesn't sleep past 8 so they must be out. Where do you think they went?" What else could I do except give her a blank stare? The only information I have on your friends in room 411 is that they are staying here for 1 night and that they booked their room online. Oh, but now that I know Cathy doesn't sleep past 8, I can tell you exactly where she is with her entire family, how long they'll be out and why they won't answer your phone calls. People are so stupid. I'm not even at the tip of the iceberg yet, folks. Not even 30 minutes later a group came by to check out of room 411. During the checkout, I say "Oh, I think your friend over there was trying to reach you." Lo and behold, now I'm the moron. "Um.. we don't know that lady." Turns out, the idiot had been calling room 411 but her friends were not staying in 411 at our hotel. They were staying in 411 at the hotel across the street. What a fucking tard.
Sure you can yell at me:
I'm at work and breakfast is over. I thought I was in the clear and sat down to read one of my books. Ah, the silence is like a mini vacation from all the nutters I have to deal with everyday. Right when I'm good and relaxed, the phone rings. Surprise, Surprise. It's the same crazy guy that's been yelling at me everyday for almost a month. Let me just give you a little background on this nut job. He booked an online reservation that was prepaid and had a no cancellation policy. He called me a while back to cancel and when I explained that he couldn't and that his card had already been charged, I'm pretty sure he actually lost his mind. He proceeded to yell curse words at me and then actually said: "I hope my son does get into school here so I can purposely stay away from your hotel and you, you stupid bitch." Oh yes, because it's my fault you decided to book a non-cancellable room and then cancel. Gotcha. He also told me he wanted to talk to my manager about my attitude because I didn't "sound upset" about his situation. What a jackass. I hope his son doesn't get into college anywhere and leaches off of him until he dies. Anyway, the story doesn't end there. This same guy has been calling and harassing the hotel for about a month to try and get his money back and every time he gets shut down, especially now that he's being so ridiculous about it. Clearly he has never heard of catching more flies with honey than vinegar. His latest move was to call his bank and tell them it was a phony charge and that he has never stayed at this hotel. The last part is true (thank God), but he did make a prepaid reservation. When the bank called to verify this information, my manager was already on top of it and faxed over several documents confirming that the charges were, indeed, valid. So this morning, guess who calls! Mr. Nutso! He immediately starts yelling at me and telling me we had no right to fax documents to his bank (even though we did) and he must have called me "BITCH" about 10 times. I stopped counting at 6. He also told me he hated the company that owned our hotel and he "sincerely hopes we get a bed bug and lice infestation and have to close down." I eventually hung up on him after I had heard enough and my manager is in the process of having his number blocked and putting him on the black list for our hotel. Cheers, crazy man. It's people like him that cause me to drink.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
The Life and Times of a Hotel Desk Clerk
Hey folks! My name is Brooke and I have finally decided to share my experiences as a hotel desk clerk with YOU. While reading some of these stories, some of you might start to think I'm just a hood rat working at some sketchball motel in the middle of a backwoods ghetto. Let me be very clear: I am not a hood rat working at some sketchball motel. Quite the opposite in fact. Yes, the hotel I work at could be construed as being sketchy after all the stories I'm going to spill, but it's actually a pretty nice 3 star hotel in a small college town. I see people from all walks of life every single day, each with their own laughable and sometimes god awful personalities. Most of these Ho-Tales are going to be about the guests, but don't forget about housekeeping! We have such a colorful housekeeping staff at the hotel that I hear and see more crazy shit go down in the laundry room than you could even wrap your head around. I have only worked in the hotel business for 7 months and all I can say is people are nuts!
Let's start the morning off with a BANG, literally:
I got to work at 7 a.m. and like always, I try to be perky and just a giant ray of sunshine because I know that's the only way to get through 51 checkouts. Checkouts might be the worst shift because that's when all the complaints come rolling in, but nonetheless, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed. At exactly 7:34 a.m., these 3 people come to the front desk. My sketchball radar immediately started blaring. It's two guys and one girl. They were all 3 high out of their minds, which was obvious to see and smell. One guy was around my age (mid 20s) and the other man was straight up grandpa status. I wanted to tell him to go home, change his depends and stop trying to roll with the youngens but for obvious reasons, I couldn't. The girl that was standing quietly in between the two of them looked like a crackhead. Not because she was shady but because she was about the size of broomstick and being all twitchy and shit. She was also super paranoid of me having her ID on file, which is standard protocol when people pay in cash, which they did because they claimed to not have any credit cards for me to put on file to use for incidentals (sketchball radar gets louder and louder). Anyway, the younger guy started telling me he needed a room but I couldn't really understand anything he was saying because he was mumbling and talking so low, so the old man stepped in. Apparently they needed a room for just a few hours (radar: BEEP, BEEP, BEEP). So I offered them the half day rate, which they accepted and decided to pay in cash. I'm thinking... alright... almost there, just get them a room and some keys. So then I ask, "Would you like a room with one or two beds?" This is when the younger guy decided to step back in, "Yo, we just need one bed so we can get our freak on, y'know?" WHHYYYY? Why is it always me?! First, I don't know because I don't check into hotel rooms for 2 hours at a time to have some guy dog me out. Second, that poor girl. I'm positive she had a train ran on her and I don't know who I feel worse for. Her for being in such a terrible situation or me for knowing there was a man my age and a man my father's age running a train on a crackhead that couldn't have been more than 18 or 19. Seriously, that is one room I didn't want to have to inspect when they checked out.
Bitch:
So a few hours later, breakfast started clearing out and I was trying to get all of the paperwork in order. All of a sudden, I heard a loud crash and looked up to see what all of the commotion was. This lady was apparently trying to carry a few cups of coffee out to her car when she dropped one of them. What does she do about this accident? She looked at me and said "Oops!" and just kept walking out of the door. Sure, I'll be happy to clean that up. Bitch! I hope she spilled the other coffees in her lap while she was driving down the interstate.
That's really all I have for tonight, but tomorrow is a whole new day. Until then... :)
Let's start the morning off with a BANG, literally:
I got to work at 7 a.m. and like always, I try to be perky and just a giant ray of sunshine because I know that's the only way to get through 51 checkouts. Checkouts might be the worst shift because that's when all the complaints come rolling in, but nonetheless, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed. At exactly 7:34 a.m., these 3 people come to the front desk. My sketchball radar immediately started blaring. It's two guys and one girl. They were all 3 high out of their minds, which was obvious to see and smell. One guy was around my age (mid 20s) and the other man was straight up grandpa status. I wanted to tell him to go home, change his depends and stop trying to roll with the youngens but for obvious reasons, I couldn't. The girl that was standing quietly in between the two of them looked like a crackhead. Not because she was shady but because she was about the size of broomstick and being all twitchy and shit. She was also super paranoid of me having her ID on file, which is standard protocol when people pay in cash, which they did because they claimed to not have any credit cards for me to put on file to use for incidentals (sketchball radar gets louder and louder). Anyway, the younger guy started telling me he needed a room but I couldn't really understand anything he was saying because he was mumbling and talking so low, so the old man stepped in. Apparently they needed a room for just a few hours (radar: BEEP, BEEP, BEEP). So I offered them the half day rate, which they accepted and decided to pay in cash. I'm thinking... alright... almost there, just get them a room and some keys. So then I ask, "Would you like a room with one or two beds?" This is when the younger guy decided to step back in, "Yo, we just need one bed so we can get our freak on, y'know?" WHHYYYY? Why is it always me?! First, I don't know because I don't check into hotel rooms for 2 hours at a time to have some guy dog me out. Second, that poor girl. I'm positive she had a train ran on her and I don't know who I feel worse for. Her for being in such a terrible situation or me for knowing there was a man my age and a man my father's age running a train on a crackhead that couldn't have been more than 18 or 19. Seriously, that is one room I didn't want to have to inspect when they checked out.
Bitch:
So a few hours later, breakfast started clearing out and I was trying to get all of the paperwork in order. All of a sudden, I heard a loud crash and looked up to see what all of the commotion was. This lady was apparently trying to carry a few cups of coffee out to her car when she dropped one of them. What does she do about this accident? She looked at me and said "Oops!" and just kept walking out of the door. Sure, I'll be happy to clean that up. Bitch! I hope she spilled the other coffees in her lap while she was driving down the interstate.
That's really all I have for tonight, but tomorrow is a whole new day. Until then... :)
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