Shitty Day

Children are disgusting:
While reading this post, keep in mind that I love children. I was a nanny, I taught preschool and all of my money in high school came from babysitting so I understand how gross and slimy kids can be but this takes the cake. It was breakfast time so the lobby was filled with people! Even the meeting room that we use for extra seating during busy weeks was almost full, so there was no way this was getting past anyone. I noticed a toddler walking around by himself, but assumed his parents must be in the lobby somewhere keeping an eye on him because that's what any good parent would be doing, right? A few minutes later, I see an old lady staring at something right below the desk and looking horrified. I ran around the desk to see what was wrong and there he was! The toddler was in the middle of the lobby, pants to his ankles, bunked over letting the shit just fly out of his ass right on the marble floor! HE WAS SHITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LOBBY! And not just a few solid terds either. This kid had some runny, squishy, green crap exploding out of his asshole! Can you even imagine? I didn't know what to do because first, I didn't want to grab some random child and second, I didn't want to grab some random child with shit gushing out of his asshole! I thought his parents would be rushing over, but the longer I waited, I realized that they weren't coming. It was up to me to stop the shit water fountain that was this little boy's balloon knot. Everyone was doing one of three things: gasping, gagging or laughing hysterically. The ones laughing were mostly men, while all of the women looked so disgusted they didn't even want to eat anymore. The little boy didn't even seem to register that what was happening was wrong because the more the men howled with laughter, the bigger he grinned and the more he shit!! I couldn't pick the kid up during his dookie making business so I just had to concede and let it happen. I prayed that someone would turn up and claim him as their child but that didn't happen until maybe 15 minutes later and he had his last little squirt of sickly colored diarrhea. This woman came down the hallway and said, "Oh thank goodness he's down here! He wandered off from us." It was like she didn't even see the massive poop parfait her son had just left in the lobby and when she finally acknowledged it, her response was, "He does stuff like this all the time! Isn't he the cutest?" I don't give a fuck how cute you think a kid is, but there is NOTHING cute about some kid defecating in a hotel lobby. I wouldn't even let my dog shit in the floor, much less my kid! Not to mention if there are 70+ people watching him do it!! After everything that happened, she didn't even offer to help clean it up! She just walked away to eat her breakfast while the janitor cleaned it up. All I can say is, today I learned a whole new meaning to "having a shitty day."

Oh, Don't be Ants at a Picnic!

Ants in your pants... er... room, rather:
So I know I haven't posted in a while but I've been busy getting promoted!! Yay, right?! Wrong! Sure, they pay me more but I really don't think they pay me enough. When you get 'Manager' added to your name tag, it really seems to bring the crazy out in people. They immediately start demanding money off or complaining about the tiniest things because unlike the other employees, I no longer have my safety net of "Oh, I'm sorry! I'm not authorized to take 50 cents off of your bill, you cheap asshole, you'll have to talk to a manager!" I still work my desk shifts 3-4 times a week so the wackos make sure I'm more than entertained on a daily basis. I was working the evening shift last night and this man approached me with a complaint about having "two ants in his room." Obviously, having ants in your hotel room is not okay but I was confused that he said "two," implying that he actually counted them. Not only did he specify the number (two) but he had also taken a picture of them (on the window sill) to make sure he had enough evidence to get his room discounted. Of course, I discounted it and apologized but thought nothing else of it. He came back down around 2 hours later and I swear to God, what he said next made him the biggest screwball ever in my opinion. "I wanted to make you aware that I followed those (TWO!) ants to find out where they were coming from and it looks like they're crawling in from the window sill and just staying right along a path in front of the air conditioner." I just stared at him with a blank expression on my face. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy that he had ants in his room even if it was only two, but the fact that he actually went back to his room and FOLLOWED the ants to find out where they were coming from and going blew my mind. Are you kidding me?! I told him I'd make sure the maintenance was informed about the little guys and apologized again. You'd think it was over, right? No. For the rest of the night, every single time he walked through the lobby, he updated me on the ants and their progress from the window to the air conditioner and back again! Thank you, freak, but I don't give a shit about these ants anymore. At this point I had already taken half off his room, offered to move him and told him someone would be in the room tomorrow to assess the situation (if you can even call it that). My only wish was that the ants would get all their little ant friends together and carry their stalker far, far away. Whatever. Just another weirdo!

Crazy Old People

Inappropriate granny:
Look, I love elderly people as much as the next person. Betty White is probably one of my favorite people on tv but after this weekend, I don't want to be around old people again until I'm one of them. The hotel was swarmed with, literally, hundreds of grandmas and grandpas due to a bird watching club and 50s decade reunion group. The reunion was for people that graduated high school in the 40s-50s so when I say old, I mean just that. These people were ancient. Can you imagine how frustrating it is to explain to an 80 something year old that their room number is their wifi code? I was constantly repeating myself, running up to rooms to show them how to operate the televisions and the remote, showing them how to use the guest computer to print stuff and even explaining to them they only had to hit 0 to dial the front desk. It was a nightmare. Finally, I had most of them checked in and doing just fine with their phones and televisions. One little old lady walked in and gave me the most refreshing perspective on old age. She walked up to the desk wearing a conductor's cap covered in sequins and glitter, cat  framed eye glasses, and a leather jacket. She looked like a granny right out of a biker gang, honestly, and she looked epic. I knew right away this was the kind of old lady I'd want to be. She made all kinds of inappropriate jokes while I checked her in and before she walked to her room, she turned and said "If you see a hunky 70-80 year old man who doesn't already have an old biddy on his arm, why don't ya check him into my room and give me a ringading so I can get down to my skivvies before he walks in, eh?" I laughed, obviously, and humored her with a "I'll see what I can do." About an hour later she walked through the lobby and made an inappropriate comment regarding the perkiness of my "bosom" and how she might be able to get her's that perky with some duct tape. Seriously, I loved this woman. She was the most fun and the liveliest out of all the old women there. It gave me hope that, I too, can be a cool old lady one day. 

Bird watchers unite:
The oddest group of elderly people staying at the hotel was the bird watching club. Seriously, they stood around in the lobby with their weird hats with flaps, fanny packs and binoculars FOREVER talking to me about guineas, guinea eggs, red birds, blue birds, fucking dodo birds... It went on and on and on. I was pretending to be interested, obviously, because they're guests, but I guess was pretending too well because then they started to talk to me about attracting a younger crowd to become members. They were asking me if I would be interested in joining or if I had any friends that might want to. What else could I do except take their brochures and say "I'll think about it, for sure?" It's not like I could tell them I would rather be stuck in an igloo during a blizzard with only the creepy houseman to keep me warm, than be caught dead wearing a fanny pack while having binoculars glued to my face in the hopes of finding some rare turkey breed. Seriously? When they all stopped congregating around the desk, this little old lady amongst them came up and asked me if she could "pop up to the roof" and see if she could get any good sights of birds from up there. HELL NO, GRANNY! We can't just let elderly women climb up to the roof to bird watch?! First, I need this job and secondly, I don't want the death of someone's grandma on my conscious when I go to bed at night. I happen to enjoy my dreams of rainbows and butterflies dancing on clouds. She was super pissed that I wouldn't let her go up there even after I told her it was a liability for the hotel and we weren't allowed to let guests or unauthorized people have access to the rooftop. The bird watching club finally left and I was forever haunted with the thoughts that when I get old and have nothing left to do, I might become one of those nut job bird enthusiasts just to pass the days away. Please God, don't ever let my life become that boring.  

Mutants on the Prowl

Lurker:
Oh.my.God. Today was probably the most uncomfortable I have ever felt at work. During breakfast hours, I noticed this really ugly, mutant freak staring at me. Now, normally I would never say such mean things about a person, but wow. This guy totally creeped me out. He did not ONE time look away from me. I would busy myself and look up and there he was, staring away. I could feel my entire body tensing up because it was making me so uncomfortable, but I ignored it as much as I could and finally I glanced up and he was gone. Or was he?! No!! He had sidled up to the desk without making any noise and scared the shit out of me. I actually jumped and made a small shrieking noise but managed to pull of an awkward smile and ask him if he needed help with anything. He just stood there with this smirk on his face like he had just murdered someone and gotten away with it. After a solid minute (it's a long time if you're standing in silence with an axe murder who is eye raping the shit out of you), he started telling me he was in town for work. The whole time I was thinking how incredibly terrifying this man was and that I did not give a fuck why he was in town. He wasn't terrifying in the sense that he was a giant man that looked mean because he was actually kind of short. He was a little pudgy, bald and wore glasses but his face was BUSTED and his teeth didn't even look they could be human teeth. Maybe a weird fishy, serpent's teeth, but not a human's. I'm pretty sure he was an inspiration for an X-Files episode because GOD DAMN! Wait for it, people, wait for it. Apparently he had been watching me ALL WEEK. I almost died. He said "I saw you were wearing a button down shirt on Monday and Tuesday and a t-shirt today and yesterday." My heart fell to my toes. How could I have missed a mutant such as this staring at me all week?! I explained that I wore a t-shirt on Wednesday because I spilled coffee all over myself and made a joke about being clumsy and then asked him one more time if everything was ok or if he needed help. He just laughed and replied with, "Yeah, I think I saw you trip in the hall on Tuesday." WHAT.THE.FUCK. Apparently, I have the ugliest stalker in the whole world and he lurks around so as not to make his presence known. I was so weirded out, I just pretended I was getting a call so he would stop talking to me. Unfortunately, he stood at the desk until I hung up on my fake caller. When I started to go in the back room and pretend to be making copies, he said it. He said the creepiest thing a stranger has ever said to me. "I notice you wear a sports bra with your t-shirts but a regular bra with your button downs." ALERT.ALERT.CODE FUCKING RED. I just stared at him and I know if I didn't already look nervous and uncomfortable, I definitely did then. I wanted that freak to crawl back into water ooze he crawled out of. He just kept staring and smirking and finally walked away after 5 minutes of me not saying one word and shuffling through papers like I was looking for something. After he left, I spent the entire rest of my day checking around corners, watching the camera like a fucking cop on a stakeout and constantly looking over my shoulder. I even made sure I didn't go in the stairwell alone just in case he happened to pop up. I saw him when I was helping one of the janitors clean up some coffee and completely ignored the fact that he even existed. I could just feel him staring at me though. When I went back to the desk, he lurked around the corner again and did his uncomfortable eye raping/smirking combination until I was forced to ask if he needed anything. He said no and just kept standing there. It was like the morning all over again!! When he decided he had made me fidget enough, he said "We're all going to this little cafe downtown if you want to come when you get off." HELL NO, UNCLE FESTER. I declined in the politest way I could because I would have gotten fired if I told him I didn't go on dates that ended with me being found in a ditch a week later after being tortured to death in his basement. I know this post is a little vulgar but I cannot put into words how incredibly nervous and uncomfortable this guy made me. If this was a Criminal Minds episode, he would be the creepiest, weirdest unsub ever. Anyway, the lurker finally left and I haven't seen him anymore but I just know he'll pop up when I least expect it.... and I'll be waiting... with mace.

Wally Z., Father Earth

Hippy in a suit:
A few days ago, I met the most interesting guest since I've been working here. Now, when I say interesting, I don't mean the funniest, smartest or weirdest... I just mean he was, well, interesting. He was an older man wearing denim bell bottoms that were dyed red at the shins, a t-shirt that looked like it might have been made out of paper, a red bandana with yellow flowers tied around his neck and a knitted shawl that was so big it nearly consumed him. The oddest part about his wardrobe was the fact that he wore a name tag reading: "Wally Z., Father Earth." Now, I tried not to judge but the only thing going through my head was "old hippy that never let the dream die." When he walked over to the desk, he was very polite and said he just had a few questions. He fired off question 1, "Where's the pool?" Obviously, I pointed him toward the pool. Then he said, "I forgot my suit." I assumed he meant his swimsuit since he had just asked me where the pool was but when I started telling him that Wal Mart or Target would probably have men's swimsuits, he just shook his head and responded, "I'm here for a wedding and I left my luggage back at home, including my suit. Where might one purchase a suit?" I was a little surprised that such a strange man in such a strange hippy outfit would be caught dead in a suit but I started rattling off mens' stores in the area, when he abruptly stopped me. "No ma'am. I don't shop at department stores. I would like to purchase my suit from the Salvation Army or a Good Will." Ok.. I'm not hating on him for shopping at the Good Will. Hell, I bought stuff from there last weekend, but don't come and ask me where to buy a men's suit for a wedding and then act surprised when Good Will isn't my first suggestion. I gave him the directions to a few thrift stores and then answered a few odd questions for him, including the location of a local church. It was a Catholic church so I asked if he'd like me to give him the mass schedule as well and he replied, "No. I don't actually worship or believe in such things. I just like to go and watch the people." Umm.. that's a little creepy but ok. After I answered all of his questions, I expected him to go away but he just stood at the desk rambling on and on about so many things. It was quite entertaining to listen to him talk about why the fucking sky is blue and all that but I was really busy. Finally, he took the hint and left. After everything had died down, he came back and started chatting me up again. He had a pleasant speaking voice but I had no clue what half of the things he said to me meant or even what he was talking about sometimes. He talked about coyotes, mulch, sour gummy worms, and I'm pretty sure he even gave me a brief analysis of why corporate Amercia is ruining lives and destroying Mother Earth. I wanted to ask about his name tag when he was talking about Mother Earth (his wife?) but I never got the chance. He also just kept thanking me repeatedly for such a lovely breakfast and telling me what a good job I did. I had to keep reminding him that I don't actually cook or put the breakfast out, but I'd certainly let the kitchen staff know how much he enjoyed it. After talking to Wally for a while, I figured out that he didn't actually have a hotel room but was squatting on the sleeper sofa in someone else's room after they refused to let him wander around aimlessly or sleep outside all night. Finally, Father Earth took off towards the thrift stores in hopes to purchase a new suit. I was quite sure he wouldn't find a suit but maybe a sports coat and collared shirt. Several hours later, right before switching shifts, Wally Z walked in with 3 or 4 bags in his hand. He sprinted up to the desk, ignoring all the other guests I was trying to help and just starts pulling clothes out and putting them on the counter. He was so freakin' excited too and just kept saying "Look how much you've helped me!! I got an entire suit, socks, tie, belt and shoes all for $17! THANK YOU!!" First, I wasn't sure why he was thanking me. I only gave him directions. It's not like I made the suit or bought it for him, but I just kept smiling and telling him how nice it all looked because the other guests looked so fucking startled by this oddball. He was even holding the tie and shirt up to himself to show me how well everything matched. "I got a red tie so I could have a little flash and I've never been a flashy guy! I don't know what's gotten into me!" At this point, it was clear that he hadn't been around people or in society for some time now. He was finally the guy wearing a suit, staying at a hotel and having lunch with friends - something I was quite sure he had never done or at least hadn't done in a really long time. I had to laugh and was actually happy for him because God knows, it would take a lot more than $17 worth of clothes and a free hotel breakfast to make most people happy. When I finally got him to stop scaring the other guests, he asked if he could hug me. I was a little reluctant because it's super weird to hug a guest, but he just seemed so happy with me (still not sure why) and he just kept insisting. So, folks, I hugged Wally Z., Father Earth. There are so many things I don't know and probably will never know. Like, whose wedding was he going to and how did he get invited? I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a permanent address and probably lives in a brush shelter like Cody Lundin did. Also, why did he wear a name tag and call himself Father Earth? So many mysteries that came with Wally, but I do know I will never, ever forget him and I'll be continuously hoping for another encounter with him one day. What a good day that will be!